Wow. Either you have to pay for the whole thing according to their requests or there is no party at all? Looks like there won’t be a party.
And agreed, you owe an apology to no one.
If anything, THEY owe YOU an apology.
Count Blucher FTW.
I almost agree, but I think it’s the wearing of the seriously ugly dresses that needs to change. Why do brides even ask their close friends and relations to wear ugly dresses at all? What about matching dresses is even fun?
Classic Bridezilla. Unbelievable. You have my sympathy, fluiddruid.
–emilyforce, who managed to get married (and enjoy it!) without straining anyone’s budget, guilting anyone into paying for anything, telling anyone what to wear, or pitch any fits except that one really tiny one I had in Kinko’s when Mom was freaking out about the programs maybe being late
I’m supposed to apologize because we asked to meet with him specifically, not with her, and she felt that we were “close enough” to all meet.
For clarity, I have seen her socially about 4 or 5 times since we originally met in December(ish). Our mutual friend has met her only once or twice.
My opinions about this are mixed. While I on one hand want to call them out for all of the problems (you asked for a gigantic expensive party, she never contacted us about it despite seeing both of us socially, etc.), I recognize that if he has to choose between his wife and his friends, he’ll likely pick his wife. As such I’m thinking about failing to respond at all and ignoring it.
I can see the appeal of having everyone match, to an extent. Either in color, or style, or color theme. (Pastels only, for instance.) And I can see dresses that are appropriate to that venue only, though it would be nice if they could be worn to other places as well. But to make the bridesmaids pay for it? That ridiculous.
If I ever get married, the only thing I’m going to ask of my guests is that they bring their own sunblock and beach towels. The hot dogs and potato salad are on me.
Well, of course you should apologize.
Tell them that you’re terribly, terribly sorry that they didn’t consult you about your financial capabilities before planning a blowout they expected you to pay for. You find it utterly distressing that their dream stag party won’t come to pass because, darn it all, you just didn’t have the foresight to save up over the years in order to meet their expectations.
And then tell them where they can put their unreasonable expectations and what you think of people who put a price tag on friendship.
Honestly. :mad:
**Dear Bride:
Though it is totally out of my control, I am truly sorry that you are a moron.
fluiddruid**
However, what **I ** am REALLY sorry for is everything you’ve had to go through here 
I can see her being upset that fluiddruid didn’t consult her as well. She wants to be in on her own wedding, after all. But hopefull she’ll have the brains to understand that it was a delicate situation and that he wasn’t comfortable talking to both of them at the same time.
I think that this can probably be patched up, if a little diplomacy is used.
Many of the above responses would be more fun. But this is probably what I would send.
"Dear [bride]
I’m sorry to hear from [groom] that you are unhappy with my wanting to speak just to him about the prewedding party. While I certainly look forward to knowing you better in the future, I am somewhat uncomfortable going into any detail about my finances (or lack thereof) with someone I have only seen five or six times. I also didn’t want to put [mutual friend] in a similar spot, when he has had even less contact with you. Neither of us had any intention to insult you, and I (and I’m sure he) look forward to getting to know you better, as such an important part of [groom’s] future life.
I wish we were financially able to swing the sort of party you and [groom] had envisioned. I hope we can still put together a more modest event that will be fun for all concerned."
Then ignore any response that isn’t conciliatory.
Wow!
If she’s only upset about being excluded from the potential future discussion, why is the whole party off?
I was trying to think of what I’d do in your situation but, honestly, it’s all so uncomfortable.
Good luck!
ETA: I agree with ENugent
Wow. :smack:
I think your definition of ‘close friend’ must be different from mine.
A ‘close friend’ to me is someone I’ve known for decades, who shows me kindness and consideration.
I’ve been invited to marriages of my close friends. They paid for everything, ibncluding my overnight accomodation.
Sure I have organised a stag night for a dozen male friends of the groom - but it was a delightful meal, which the groom offered to pay for (because he enjoyed our company). We insisted on paying for him (split between 12 of us).
Your ‘friend’ clearly sees you as a bank and his bride sees you as a rude servant.
It’s possible that they are swept up in wedding fever, but it’s also possible that you are seeing their true side.
I’m always amazed at how many threads we’ve had on this board with similar types of problems. The general gist of the issue is often the same:
“My good friend, who i’ve known for years, is [insert completely dickish, unreasonable behavior here]. I really don’t want to put up with this, but i don’t want to ruin our friendship over it.”
Well, the people i consider friends don’t treat me like shit, and if they did, they would no longer be friends.
I was once invited to a bachelorette party. I was not a bridesmaid. The bride and I both lived in New York, but much of the wedding party lived in DC, so they decided to have the party down there.
Again, I was INVITED. I received a paper invitation in the mail. So I did not expect to be involved in the planning or decision-making.
I paid to take a train down there. I knew they had hired a limo, but they wanted me to take a cab out to meet them, instead of picking me up at the train station in the limo. Add $30 tot he train fare I had already willingly paid.
As soon as I arrived in the cab, we pile into the limo and leave for the bars, many of which were right near the train station I had just come from. We had to pay a $10-$20 cover at each bar we hopped into. One bridesmaid was making all the decisions.
A few weeks later, said bridesmaid sent an e-mail out to all the guests who were not in the wedding party, telling us how much we owed her. It was over $100 each! I knew the limo, which we were not warned ahead of time that we’d have to pitch in for, was only $400, and there were EIGHT people in the wedding party. SO I wrote back, asking her what this money she was asking us for was to cover.
She sent me back an itemized list of all the expenses. This list included spa treatments that the wedding party and bride had gone to before the party, before the other guests had arrived. The list even included the cost of the invites we had been mailed, and the postage to mail them to us.
I pointed out to her that we guests shouldn’t have to pay for events we did not partake in. She assured me that the wedding party was pitching in even more than she had asked the guests for.
It was appalling. In the end, each guest did give her money, because we all thought that no one else had a problem with it and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But none of us gave her as much as she asked for, and we all STILL talk about how out of line she was whenever we get together at other weddings.
Enablers.
Seriously, if people refused to put up with shit like this, and left the selfish assholes to foot the bill, it would happen far less often.
fluid,
Sorry man. I don’t have a hell of a lot to add other than weddings can suck. I was in one party where the bride went all bridezilla, and the groom didn’t have the guts to really tell us what he wanted for the bachelor party (and ended up telling a stripper, “I SAID NO.”) Sorry to hear that your friend is letting his fiance’ tell him how to run the bachelor party.
Dear best friend,
Thank you for eloping to Las Vegas and not putting me through the hell that other people put their friends through. Thank you for expecting only a night out in Vegas for a party and having a very small wedding. I promise not to put you through hell when I get married.
Much love,
Antinor01
Couldn’t agree more. Does no one ever tll these people to fuck off?
In her mind, the script probably now calls for you to come calling hat in hand, all contrite and offering to do anything they want. Don’t play into it.
I hink ENugent’s letter is still too conciliatory. Someone has to tell these people they’re being out of line.
Well, I really don’t think we need to totally assume the worst here. Some of this communication was being filtered through the groom, so who knows where a lot of this came from. I’ve talked on the phone, again, to both the groom and our mutual friend tonight. I really don’t think they meant to come across as so grabby - my impression is that it’s half poor communication (e.g. the liquor expectations seem to have just come from the groom, who wasn’t really thinking about what he was asking for) and half just trying to assign out ‘tasks’ because they’re up to their ears in wedding everything. Why people typically try not to get married so quickly, case in point.
In any case, I’ve made it clear that I don’t think I need to apologize, because I don’t think I did anything wrong, but that my intent wasn’t to offend or leave anyone out - it was to avoid bringing in someone who, despite getting along with quite well, I just haven’t known very long. The groom made it clear that it was never intended to come across as grabby as it did, and that the bride actually suggested paring back the party before we even met up over the weekend. Frankly I would be just as happy if we all dropped this and forgot about it, but the groom seems to think we all need to get together and ‘talk it out’. I’m very hesitant as I’m tired of re-hashing the whole situation and I don’t see that it will accomplish anything to put everyone through another uncomfortable episode.
I don’t want to put their feet to the fire, I don’t want to try to call them out - I just want this to all go away, and I want to stop being anxious about this all the time.