Declining a Bachelor Party?

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

My friend is getting married; he’s having a “destination wedding” at Disney World. So, I rented a room for 3 nights down there, and booked round trip tickets. Done.

Now, he’s planning a bachelor party. He wants us all to fly somewhere, reason being that half of the party would be flying in from out of state, so we might as well all fly (the groom, myself and another person all live in Chicago, 3-4 other people live somewhere out of state). The current plan is Lake Tahoe.

Anyway, with airfare and house rental, this is looking like $800 for the weekend. Beyond being annoyed that I’m supposed to book two tickets for this wedding, I really don’t have $800 lying around. I’m going to Europe for 2.5 weeks, closing on my condo (with closing costs), plus there will be other weddings with gifts, etc.

[ul]
[li]How much would you expect your groomsmen to pay to do a bachelor thing?[/li][li]Is it rude to ask for a change of plans/venue? Or is it best to just decline if I can’t afford it? [/li][li]Any other thoughts? Similar stories?[/li][/ul]

I’m just kind of frustrated and bewildered right now. If/when I get married, I’d probalby just have a party at a club somewhere. $20 cover for everybody, drink or don’t, stay as long as you want. Maybe I’m unrealistic…

#2

I wouldn’t go, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect friends to buy two tickets to attend a wedding and the festivities. It is rude to ask for a change, though. The polite response is to just say you can’t make it.

And politeness forbids me from explicitly commenting on how I would feel about a wedding at Disney World.

#3

The age-old question: Do you go into debt because your friends have lots of spare cash? The answer is no. Live within your means.

#4

Uh, and room and board at Lake Tahoe is EX-PEN-SIVE. They have locals discounts, which I qualify for, and they’re STILL expensive.

That’s outrageous, I think. Most people wouldn’t even have people fly in for a wedding except for very close family members. Why can’t he have the wedding in Florida, just prior to the wedding? I’m not going to claim to be some all-knowing guru of bachelor parties, but that seems much more acceptable to me.

~Tasha

#5

This is the second “destination bachelor/bachelorette party” I’ve heard of. Funny thing is, I heard about both of them in the context of a wedding attendant complaining about being obligated to go to them. Just something to think about, if you’re planning your wedding…

I personally think $800 is way out of line to expect your attendants to spend on the whole wedding, let alone just on the bachelor party.

By the way, Tower Dweller, no state or country that I know of requires a bachelor party (or a bachelorette party, or a bridal shower, or even a big wedding) to take place for a marriage to be legally valid. Those people who get married at city hall and go out for an inexpensive dinner afterwards are just as married as the ones who spend $30,000+ on their weddings.

#6

Just say you can’t make it and/or you don’t have the time and/or money to spend a weekend in Lake Tahoe at that time. If you friend were from California and had a bunch of friends who were driving there, I could understand his plans, but from Chicago to Tahoe and then from Chicago to Disney? It’s too much. Does he work for an airline and get free tickets?

#7

It’s totally reasonable not to go. I had my bachelor party in Las Vegas, as all of my groosmen and friends were scattered around the country so everyone’s flying somewhere. Some people couldn’t make it, but it was cool. The whole thing became 100% optional once it wasn’t a local event – I can’t imagine expecting anyone to travel for a bachelor party.

#8

You should politely decline. If he knows you well enough to make you a groomsman, he knows your circumstances and will understand.

#9

Exactly. As best man, you’re obligated to attend the wedding. Anything else is entirely optional according to your means. Certainly you should not spend anything that would lead to resentful feelings towards your good friend and his happy event.

If pretty much everyone has to travel for the wedding anyway, it blows my mind why he wouldn’t plan the bachelor party for the same location a day or two before the wedding. If he wants plenty of time to recover, he should have either warned everyone to book a couple of more days in Florida, or have the party in Chicago and assume only his local pals - and well-heeled out of towners - would show up.

It’s his party, and he should have it wherever he wants, but it is extraordinarily inconsiderate for him to want “[you] all to fly somewhere,” unless he’s willing to foot the travel/lodging bill himself. Does he think you all are made of money and time?

If he asks your opinion, recommend that he have the bachelor party at the same location as the wedding so more guests can participate. If he doesn’t ask, then keep your advice to yourself but decline whatever invitation you cannot afford. And tell him why.

#10

Correction:

As [del]best man[/del] groomsman, you’re obligated… :smack:

The rest of the post still applies.

#11

Do I read that the guy getting married is the one planning the bachelor party?

I know that when I was best man for my brother’s wedding, his frat buddies asked to plan the bachelor party (to which I quickly agreed) – but I have to think that Miss Manners would have something to say about the groom planning the festivities to congratulate himself.

:dubious:

#12

Another vote for decline regretfully.

Man, I’m so glad I just eloped and got it over with.

#13

That is strange. He sounds like the bride, and a silly spend thrift bride at that.

#14

That is strange. He sounds like the bride, and a silly spend thrift bride at that.

#15

I’d say, “Sorry, can’t go. I’m tapped out.” It’s pretty much the only polite way to let him know why you’re not going. And generally, attendants are expected to attend the bachelor party (actually, they usually throw it), so you probably do owe him an explanation.

#16

[QUOTE=Tower Dweller]
[ul][li]How much would you expect your groomsmen to pay to do a bachelor thing?[/ul] [/li][/QUOTE]
Very, very little. We kept my wedding cheap (mainly because I paid for it all myself); for my bachelor party we went to a local bar where I’m known and shot pool and got drunk. It was great.

[quote]
[ul][li]Is it rude to ask for a change of plans/venue? Or is it best to just decline if I can’t afford it? [/ul] [/li][/QUOTE]
I’d say just decline; it’s the groom’s party, so I think you’d be a bit out of line asking him to change it for you. On the other hand, if he asks why you’re not going, feel free to tell him.

[quote]
[ul][li]Any other thoughts? Similar stories?[/ul] [/li][/QUOTE]
I think it’s a bit tacky of the groom to plan a bachelor party that’s so expensive, assuming he knows that a lot of the invitees don’t sleep on mattresses full of $1000 bills. But, again, it’s his party, and he can be tacky if he wants to; I’d just decline politely and wish him a good time.

#17

A social invitation is never a gun-held-to-your-head requirement[sup]*[/sup]. Destination social events are even more so, due to the expense. I vote for politely decline the invitation to the bachelor party.

[sup]*[/sup] Unless someone actually is holding a gun to your head. In which case you might want to listen very intently to the invitation.

#18

Sorry, my OP was probably a little confusing - I’m not even a groomsman! Although from what I understand, there are no groomsman at all, so I’m just as much a groomsman as anybody. I’m kind of salty on the whole destination wedding right now too, but that’s budgeted and booked, so whatever.

tashabot thanks for the heads up on Lake Tahoe. I was wondering how it was up there. I was pondering if I would go somewhere cheaper, but I think I’m leaning towards not. I feel bad if it makes him not be able to have his trip, but there’s just too much going on.

The world will keep on spinning.

Thanks for the insights, everybody. And jackelope, you can totally plan my wedding. :slight_smile:

#19

I told my boyfriend that if we ever got married we’d have to elope, and because we live in Nevada, there had better be an Elvis involved.

Probably why we haven’t gotten married yet. :smiley:

Tower Dweller - no prob. Tahoe is expensive for everyone even if they’re just visiting. I don’t know how the people who live there get by. Houses routinely go for a half mil for a one-bed one bath without a garage. It’s rediculous.

~Tasha

#20

That must be why there are so many places to rent there. Split 6 ways, I figured ~$130 for my share for the weekend, which is fine.

Wait. That’s 6 dudes in a 4-bedroom house. Nice. :dubious: