This is just an idle question that came up shortly after Mr. Athena and I RSVP’d for a wedding. We have every intention of going, or I wouldn’t have RSVP’d. I was just curious as to the etiquette surrounding bowing out of an event that you RSVP’d for.
Obviously it’s rude to just decide not to go to an event you said you’d be attending unless you had a good reason. But what’s a good reason? Let’s say you RSVP’d and ultimately couldn’t go because of one of the following reasons:
death in the family
horrible illness. Let’s say you wake up the morning of the wedding with some sort of food poisoning that makes you unable to be farther than 5 feet from a toilet.
work-related issue: Big Important Client X has huge horrible problem that requires you to travel across the country to fix. Now.
job interview: you have been out of work for a while, and you finally get an interview but it’s right smack in the middle of the wedding and you can’t change it (hey, it’s hypothetical!)
Are all those reasons valid and acceptable for bowing out? And how does one bow out exactly? “Hey Jane, I know I said I’d be at your wedding, but hell if I’m going to skip out on this job interview just to see you tie the knot.”? OK, maybe that could be worded better. But there has to be some guidelines on when this happens, what are they?
If something unexpected comes up, like death in the family or horrible illness, then you should unaccept the invitation as soon as possible. On the other hand, the big important client might just have to wait a day, and you can ask to reschedule the job interview, so I don’t think they are acceptable reasons.
Death in the family and horrible illness have always been acceptable reasons for bowing out of an event at the last minute. Presumably you’d have the good manners to notify the host at least just before the wedding takes place, or at least have a mutual friend tell them at the ceremony.
Job interview? I guess if you’re close enough to your friends to be invited to their wedding, you’re close enough that they know you’re unemployed and you really need to go to the interview. That’s a pretty hypothetical stretch, though.
Big Important Client emergency? If you had already traveled across the country and couldn’t get back for the wedding, perhaps. If you client called you the day of the wedding, I think most people would tell the client they’d get there ASAP, and the AP part would include booking a flight for after the wedding.
What wouldn’t be acceptable? Ditching one wedding for another.
I think a death in the family or emergency are no-brainers. Of course, you have to attend to those immediately and not go to the wedding. A job interview is somewhat understandable, especially if the potential employer is simply unable to reschedule. I think the sketchiest is a client emergency, mostly because most people can work from anywhere nowadays, so unless you’re in manual labor or the client requires you to close a deal in person, you don’t really need to be there physically.
And now for a huge nitipick, but…
Are you saying you only RSVP if you’re planning to attend? Or is saying that you wouldn’t have RSVP’d if you weren’t planning to go shorthand for, “I wouldn’t say I was going to go if I wasn’t planning to do so, and I would’ve RSVP’d in the negative if I couldn’t make it.” In other words, some people think RSVP means, “Only reply if you’re going to come.” Drives me crazy - dangit, I need to know if you’re not going to come, too, especially if it’s something like a wedding!
Any of those reasons are valid if you are just a guest (if you are a member of the wedding party, just the first two) and you let them know as soon as you know with a phone call. With the “I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to come after all … my father in law passed away last night.”
If you wake up sick the morning of the wedding, they probably don’t need to know unless you are in the wedding party. Call someone you know is going and let them know. They can mention it on the way through the reception line.
I was bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding in February and the partner of one of the other bridesmaids became sick the day before and couldn’t attend. I thought she(the bridesmaid) handled it perfectly. He was far, far too ill to come - food poisoning - and she didn’t call ahead, just turned up, took the bride to one side, explained in one sentence he wasn’t coming, and asked what she needed to do to help the bride. No need to make a big deal out of it, over-apologise, string it out…just state the facts, and move on to make the day go well.
This is the central point, I think. Etiquette says that you’re not supposed to bow out of an event that you’ve accepted simply because you’ve since been invited to something better. By contrast, all of the items you’ve suggested in the OP are different in nature and thus possibly justified excuses; they’re not just other social events.
You are entirely right; I didn’t mean to say in the OP that I only RSVP if I’m going. I was just using the shorthand. In fact, that’s what spurred the conversation - I was filling out the RSVP, saw the checkbox for “I’m not coming” and started thinking about what I’d do if I said I’m coming then couldn’t make it.
I think I’d probably still try to get in touch with the bride or groom (or someone close to them) as soon as possible, even the morning of the wedding. They may not need to (or be able to) change anything, but that’s for them to decide, not me.
I would say that the job things aren’t really acceptable excuses to not go to a wedding you have accepted an invitation for. A wedding is not like a birthday party or something; it’s (for most people) a once in a lifetime big deal. Well, maybe the interview that you can’t change. An interview only takes a half hour or so; I’d talk with the couple and work something out (go to reception, but not ceremony, etc.). Getting a better offer is definitely NOT a good reason.
There were a couple of no-shows at our wedding; one didn’t get permission to take the night off work, and I really wish he’d told us beforehand - we could have invited someone else. Another friend ended up in the ER with severe anemia, dehdration, etc. (aftereffects of chemo/tamoxifen); I didn’ t hear from her for a long time afterward, but obviously in those situations one cuts the person some slack.
I’d say that up until the day before, I’d want to know if you suddenly couldn’t make it, but on the day of, there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do about it, and I’m a little busy, anyway.
my problem is always being invited to a wedding wherein i don’t know both bride and groom (or both grooms.) i attend only those wherein i know the couple. in the former case, i don’t think it’s that serious an invitation. a light excuse will do.
Um, no. They already have you down on the guest list, they’ve already paid for everything, and planned for a certain number of people. Bowing out at the last minute, just because you don’t know them (and why would you go to a wedding where you don’t know the couple?) without a good excuse isn’t cool. Athena, I’d say the first two are obviously good ones – no one will be upset! The others, I’d judge on a case by case basis.
Whether to go or not is going to be a function of how close you are to the bride / groom, and the consequences of missing the interview / job thing.
I have attended meetings where “the boss” is only seeing people while he is stopping over at an airport for example - and if this was a second / third “confirmation” interview then what would happen?
Or if the boss said “get there now or be fired” (it does and has happened).
Really? Around here, the parents of the bride/groom are at least as involved in the wedding as the couple are. After all, the parents are often the ones paying for the party. So the friends of the parents get invited as well, to share in their happiness at marrying off their kid.
I would disagree with this. Anytime before the day, definitely the bride or groom should be contacted, but they have more than enough to think about on the morning. Someone else (best man/bridesmaid/family member) should be asked to pass on the message at an appropriate point.
On the OP I agree that the first two reasons are definitely acceptable and the others depend on circumstance. I would also add serious acute illness of a close family member to the list of possible acceptable reasons not to attend.
