So we’re throwing our annual SuperBowl party. I sent out the invitations a few weeks ago, with the customary note to RSVP by Friday prior. Since many of our friends have college kids, I also included a note to let me know if the college kids would be coming and/or bringing friends.
Anywho, today I received two declines. One was at 9:00 this morning for a family of 4, the other was a few minutes ago, for a couple who has 2 college age boys.
I mean, seriously, people. We’ve put a lot of time and effort into this party, and the ONLY thing I ask of you is to communicate to me in a timely manner whether you’re going to come over or not. It’s really nice to know if we’re having a crowd of 15 or 25, so we know approximately how much food and drinks to provide. To decline the day of the party is too late to adjust any of that because I went shopping on Saturday. That’s why I asked you to RSVP on FRIDAY. Barring unexpected circumstances (e.g. you woke up sick), declining 3 HOURS before the party is RUDE.
I’m a landlady with an apartment to rent. I run into something similar. Someone says they will be there at 2:00PM to see it, and they never call, don’t show. So after an hour I feel I can leave.
I come back and there’s a message saying they couldn’t make it, and sorry. Or sometimes never any word at all. Why couldn’t they call in a timely manner?
And I agree with you, the OP. Is it so much trouble to respond one way or another to an RSVP?
My understanding is that RSVP means you need to tell the host/hostess whether or not you are coming. In other words, a reply either way is needed so the host/hostess can appropriately plan the amounts of food/beverages to buy and prepare.
But as you discovered, a deadline is meaningless if you make no assumptions about those who didn’t respond by the deadline. In your case, it appears that you planned for them to attend, and now you bought too much food/beer.
Well, that’s a choice as to how to respond to the folks who thoughtlessly don’t respect the deadline. Like the OP, I’d rather have too much food then be caught short. Depending on the event, not responding might mean you’d be turned away at the door.
if it was critical, I’d probably have called and followed on the ones who didn’t respond.
The bottom line is that an RSVP is a call for a response. The problem lies with folks who choose to not respect the request and deadline.
A Super Bowl party isn’t the usual type of thing to request an RSVP for. It’s not like you’re serving dinner and have a limited number of seats, and you can expect guests to bring some of the refreshments and booze with them. It’s also not an occasion where people make definite plans early, people are often invited to more than one party, and for a couple or group the decision about which party to go to is made fairly close to the event. They certainly are unlikely to know if college kid friends will actually attend or not. I think it’s the type of party where you are required to prepare for the number of people you invite, plus a few more, and you just have to understand the possibility there will be more or less people than you plan for.
It’s still inconsiderate not to respond if requested when you plan to attend, and also to some degree if you don’t plan to attend, but I think a lot of people believe it’s unnecessary to respond if you are not attending. I don’t know what the experts on etiquette say about the latter case.
Oh, I agree, the no-shows are rude for not responding. But unless this is the host’s first social event, planning should include the knowledge that some of your guests won’t respond either way by the deadline, and plan for what to do in that event. I agree with you, it is better to have too much than too little.
I actually do serve dinner. Yes, it’s just chili and Subways, but minus 8 people would mean 2 pounds less of meat (1/4 lb per person) and one foot less of the party sub. We also have a limited number of seats in the normal layout of our living room. What precipitated this rant was the fact that my husband and his friend just spent a half hour lugging up a third couch from the basement so that everyone would have a comfortable spot to sit. Had I known that 8 people wouldn’t be coming, I wouldn’t have asked him to do this.
Two days is pretty damn close to the event. It’s not like she wanted to know by New Year’s, or even last weekend. By the Friday before a Sunday party, you’ve had plenty of time to evaluate your options and make a decision. And by Friday night your kids have either made it home (with or without friends in tow) or have at least called to say they’re coming in. You can, at the very very VERY least, call the host and say “We might pop in for a while, but don’t plan on us.”
And planning for everybody you invited plus a few extra when only half the roster plans to come is a waste of time, money, and energy. That’s a lot of money spent on food you didn’t need, a lot of extra fridge Jenga played to accommodate the food you didn’t need to buy, a lot of extra prep and cooking time and a lot of extra dishes to wash, a lot of extra leftovers to store, a lot of extra furniture juggling to make space/arrange seating for people who never intended to be there…it’s an unmitigated pain in the balls, and the only people who think it’s no big deal are people who have either never hosted a party themselves, or whose idea of hosting is saying “There’s chips and pop over there if you want any; sit down wherever you can find a spot.”
Here’s the part that has me confused: Did you not hear from them at all by Friday? Then that’s the part that I would have beem grumpy about, not the fact that they did, eventually, tell you they wouldn’t be coming. You make it sound as though that was the offense, and if you’d never heard from them at all you wouldn’t have complained.
Both types are annoying, though my friends that RSVPd 3 hours prior have attended all of the end of season and playoff games (4) we’ve hosted this season. So I just assumed they were coming.
All went well with our party, so it’s all good. I just needed to vent. Part of the reason I was so grumpy was because we’re worn out from hosting all these parties.
