Dear Ex-Friend: Screw You. (long)

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Ex-Friend:

First of all, I know it’s been a couple of months since this confrontation happened, but I’m still really fucking pissed off at you.

You were always someone I looked up to and admired. I considered you one of my closest friends (despite the fact that we almost never saw each other due to our schedules). You always seemed so with-it, so logical, and yet really cool. I was glad you were my friend.

So when I got engaged, you were one of the first people I told. In fact, I was hoping you would be a part of the wedding party. So imagine my surprise when you suddenly seemed to disappear. You didn’t even bother telling me that you had gotten engaged FOUR DAYS AFTER ME. I found out through some person you met on a website.

A few months later, after several brushed-off attempts to talk to you, I finally decided that while you may really be busy, it seemed like there was something else going on. I contacted you with an earnest, heartfelt attempt to reconnect, asking if I had upset you in any way.

Turns out I had. Not by anything I’d done; you had “distanced” yourself from me because…wait for it… I HAD GOTTEN ENGAGED.

WTF? You said it was because you were dealing with your own issues since you were feeling inner bitterness that you had been with your boyfriend for 7 years and he hadn’t proposed yet. Okay, that’s fine, I can feel for you. I don’t know why he waited that long, but maybe it had something to do with the fact that you had said on more than one occasion that you didn’t need marriage, that you two were already married in every other way. But that’s neither here nor there.

But you got engaged FOUR DAYS AFTER ME. So why keep “distancing” yourself? And furthermore, when did this become a fucking competition? It’s not like you and I had shared any conversations about how we were dying to get married, or something. What the fuck happened here?

So I tell you that I’m sort of hurt that something like this has come between our friendship for this many months, that I don’t understand why it continued after YOU got engaged, and your response, basically, is:

“Well, I SAID I was sorry.”

I’m flabbergasted. You basically told me that was how it all went down, and you’ve never contacted me since. And as far as I’m concerned, that makes you a shitty fucking friend, and not much of a good person. And I wish I could just forget it, but your blatant disregard of my feelings kind of leaves me wondering how the hell you had me convinced that you were a thoughtful, with-it person in the first place.

You’ve gotten married since. You apparently check my blog regularly but make no attempt at actually contacting me. I don’t know what happened with you, but I definitely feel like I got kicked in the face for no reason at all.

So thanks a lot.

-Carlyjay

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One thing I learned in a really nasty, nasty way, is never ever look up to a peer. Undoubtedly they will find some way to kick themselves off the pedestal as hard as they can.

3

If you want to lose even more friends, ask some to be in your bridal party. My wife doesn’t speak to three of her four bridesmaids. They were mad at her because she wanted everything “her way” on our wedding day. The horror!

Oh, and congratulations! Now go elope.

4

Why are you so stunned? This is pure human nature. The status quo is OK unless your friends start moving past you. It happens with babies, weddings, car buying, house purchases etc. Why do you think things tend to cluster and things happen to groups of people all at once, instead of being spaced out as you might expect.
The power of “She’s got one, now I want one, and you have better deliver big boy” drives a lot of social decisions and actions.

5

While I always knew this to be true, I never thought it would bite me on the ass. I guess I thought I was special or something.

My sister just had her second child, and my wife has started to hint around about having one too. I thought we resolved this little issue years ago.

6

I guess all of you are right, it just really sucks. I thought some people were beyond this sort of behaviour. I mean, we’re almost 30. Actually, she IS 30. And always seemed intelligent and above this sort of ridiculous behaviour.

Neither of us were ever the sort who talked about weddings. We never competed about anything in our friendship, ever. And suddenly this is a huge problem. I know LOADS of people who have gotten engaged and married, and I’ve never been anything but delighted for them. I didn’t think it was too much to ask that one of my closest friends would do the same for me.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. What a horrible person.

7

Buy her a dog.

Seriously. Nothing gets me more angry than this “get in line” policy when it comes to kids. It’s a CHILD, not a fashion accessory! I’m not saying your wife fits in this category, Ex, but it sure chaps my hide.

8

Friendship really is a two way street. You can be the best friend you can be to anyone, and some take it for granted and treat you like shit in return. Those people are fit to be described as “friend”, and in my eyes, they’re barely “human”.

9

Sounds like you’re better off without her. I do my very best to not socialize with people that act like life is a competition and then behave like children if they are ‘losing’.

Congrats on the engagement!

10

That is ME. That is SO TOTALLY ME. I can be your next best friend. Plus, I’m glad you are engaged. Trust me, I have to beat the women off with a stick. And they really hate it.

11

That’s why we have lomg, detailed discussions about it. Most of my concerns involve what I perceive to be my potential shortcomings as a father.

She thinks I’d be good at it; I’m not do sure.

12

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it sure sounds like you got engaged, she panicked and threw out an ultimatum to her boyfriend. Now she feels embarassed about it, and somehow blames you.

One of my friend’s reaction to the news of my engagement wasn’t “Congratulations,” but “Omigod, you can’t get married and leave me as the last single woman in our group!” Yeah. She had a really strange almost-but-not-quite-jealous attitude throughout the wedding prep, too. We’re not close anymore. :slight_smile:

13

Well, the stupid thing is, her fella had apparently been planning to propose for months. He had it all planned, and did it as planned four days after my engagement. AFAIK, she never said anything to him about her issues, or about how she felt over my engagement. She just… freaked out.

Now, I could understand a minor freak-out. I can understand underlying feelings of sadness if you really want to be married to your long-term man and it hasn’t happened yet.

But she DID get engaged. She got engaged FOUR DAYS LATER. She got married two months ago. It’s done, she’s married, nothing to “distance” yourself over anymore, right?

Wrong. She hasn’t contacted me since I originally tried to talk to her about it.

14

“She thinks I’d be good at it”

The above section is the only part that matters. I think you’d best start looking at cribs, and I don’t mean MTV cribs.

15

Gah. A nightmare that I have experienced myself. The so-called best friend had two kids and I had none. I was so excited when I got pregnant that she was the first one I called.

Yippee!!! Right?

Wrong. She made a snide comment and got off the phone. WTF?!?

Turns out that she wanted a third and me getting pregnant was some kind of personal insult to her. :confused: I didn’t even know they were trying again.

And besides, I don’t care enough about anyone to get pregnant just to spite them…

We are friends again, but it has taken years and it is not the same. I will never get over the initial bullshit or the bullshit that followed.
PS- she got pregnant with her third shortly thereafter, and “all was forgiven.”

:rolleyes:

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I’m guessing it is worse than you think. It is probably not a coincidence that her engagement occurred 4 days after yours. If you were to interrogate her fiancé Jack Bauer style, he’d probably admit that she pressured him pretty hard after learning of your own engagement. Ergo, she is now engaged, but still feels resentment because her engagement took coercion. Just my guesswork based on the facts.

17

I think that’s weird. I understand bitterness and anger over waiting for a proposal that you feel is never going to come (in fact, I’m there!) and if you’re in that place, having one of your best friends get engaged can certainly put you over the edge. However, I would imagine that getting engaged yourself would put an end to that bitterness and anger. That’s why I agree with Waverly. She probably had to put the hammer down on her man to get that proposal (the timing just seems way too suspect) and is embarrased about it. She probably also can’t get over the fact that your proposal was completely voluntary, whereas hers wasn’t.

Good riddance.

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Agreed. Probably not the kind of person you want to be close with anyway - we all know you’re far too lovely to be taken for granted CarlyJay.

It’s like middle school all over again: people one-upping each other by dating each other’s exes. Oh wait, that’s last year of high school for my group :smack:.

19

I’m sorry your friend reacted the way she did, Carlyjay. I had a somewhat similar situation about two months ago. When I got a big promotion at work, the first person I told was one of my office friends. Instead of congratulating me, she complained that the job was “handed” to me when I should have had to compete for it (against her, presumably).

People can do incredibly stupid and petty things when they’re jealous. I’m thinking that Waverly has it right: there may have been some coercion involved with your ex-friend’s marriage proposal, and she’s upset that yours was genuine. Don’t let her ruin this for you or make you feel guilty.

Congrats on your engagement! :slight_smile:

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Wouldn’t a Jack Bauer-style interrogation carry a significant risk of leaving said fiance short a couple of crucial marriage-related parts (at least)?