Ok, ok, I’m freaking out. I don’t want to go completely Bride-zilla but I can fell it bubbling up. . .
Some background info: My mother and I don’t have the best relationship. I’m the ultravoilet sheep of a flock of black. I go to therapy, I take medication, I work in a exciting but kinda gross field and I’m marrying a wonderful man. I don’t drink to excess- like my brother. I try not the dwell on the past - like my mother. (I try not to manipulate people. . . I’m not loudly bitter about how unfair the world is. . . )
must. stop. bitching.
Anyway, I get an email from my mother, Bobbi:
“Please tell the caterers to set two extra plates. I am bringing two friends because my on-again-off-again boyfriend does not want to go to the wedding and I want to be around friends.”
Bobbi isn’t paying for the wedding. My fiance and I are.
If she had asked, I would have happily let her bring a friend. Now I’m pissed off.
Her mother (who I haven’t see in 20 years), her son (my brother) and her grandson (my nephew) will be at the wedding. Its not like she’ll be alone.
I wish she’d finally get the nerve to dump this guy who’s been stringing her along for years. and I wish I had the nerve to stand up to my mother.
It’s your wedding. If there is ONE DAY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE when you should have your way, that’s the one. Even if you plan on being a shrinking violet whenever she’s around for the rest of your life, you have to stand up to her with regards to this.
Where the hell is your fiancee, anyway? Get him to stand up for you.
I don’t want my fiancee to get near her. Years ago I was living with a guy my mother didn’t like. The two of them got into a knock-down-drag-out fight in the parking lot of were I was working. They were so loud, someone called the cops. My mother got into my boyfriend’s face a screamed,“You want to hit me? Go ahead and hit me!” over and over again. My father used to slap my mother around, that one time I could see why he did it.
Respectfully, “IT’S MY WEDDING!! I SHOULD GET MY OWN WAY!!” is the well-known, annoying call of the Bridezilla.
MOUSE, what struck me in your post was that if she had asked instead of telling you, you would have “happily” let her bring a friend. It’s seems like what’s bugging you is that she has imperiously ordered you to accommodate her two friends. And I totally get that – it would bug the crap out of me, too. But it does seem to indicate that the issue isn’t with the request but with how the request was made.
So I guess my feeling is that we all have to pick our battles, but I’m not sure this is a battle I’d pick. For better or for worse (there’s some wedding words for you), she’s your mother. She has indicated she will feel more comfortable at your wedding if her two friends could come. It doesn’t seem like it’s really a hardship for you to accommodate that. Your wedding day is almost guaranteed to be calmer and happier if: (1) you haven’t allowed your mom to pick a fight with you beforehand; (2) neither she nor you is in a snit, pissed off at the other; and (3) she’s not ostentatiously moping through the reception because she wasn’t allowed to bring her friends and so now she’s “alone.” She is your guest – and as the Mother of the Bride, she is one of the most important guests – and if you can make her feel comfortable without huge hardship to you, I think you should do so.
So as hard as it would be to choke down the way she’s approached this, my suggestion is to rise above it and to keep your eye on the big picture, which is you and your fiance having a lovely and happy day as you commit yourselves to each other. There will be lots of future occasions when you can draw a line in the sand with your mother; who needs that drama on their wedding day?
I don’t know if it’s done by all caterers, but the one I used had an agreement to serve a certain percentage over the final count, just to provide for unexpected guests. There’s no doubt that your mom is being an ass, but you probably expected that! Try not to let it stress you unnecessarily.
An exciting but kinda gross field, eh? I love those.
It’s also the well known and not-at-all annoying call of perfectly decent people. If you can’t tell the difference between someone who doesn’t want a jerk ruining their wedding, and some pampered bitch who wants Daddy to spend another seventeen large on a Cinderella carriage, not sure what I could say to better illustrate the difference.
Yep, I do organ transplant surgery on mice for research - hence the Mouse Maven handle. I love it I’m doing something that will improve lives. My brother is a chef, so his career is better for polite conversation. Glad to hear that your new dish is very popular. Oh, I’m not doing much. I got hearts that were rejected and I’m doing some path work to see what caused it. Did you know that mouse muscle looks a lot like raw chicken?
Thanks for all the advise and support
I am going to compose an email to my mother. In it I will say that I will see what the caterers can do, but I cannot promise anything since the wedding is a little over a week away.
Does she know nothing about weddings and caterers? I’m pretty clueless on such things, but I know that it’s usually difficult-to-impossible to make changes after you’ve decided something, particularly this close in time to the wedding.
I understand. I haven’t seen nor spoken to my father in over 10 years. When anyone asks about him, I say he’s dead. If a person is missing for 7 years, they’re legally dead; the fact that my father is walking around and breathing is just a technicality.
I usually don’t have much to do with my mother. 3 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, so we started a tenitive relationship. Now because of the wedding, I know why I don’t have much to do with her.
(My brother and I were raised by random relatives and were on our own very early in life. I hope to be able to entertain you all the stories of my warped family.)
That was my mantra in the months leading up to my wedding, too.
{{{Mouse_Maven}}}
This will be over some day, and you’ll look back and say “Gee, I’m glad I don’t have to do that again,” just like some of us say about high school or, yes, about our weddings.
Well, you certainly can’t illustrate the difference by posting this:
[quote]
It’s your wedding. If there is ONE DAY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE when you should have your way, that’s the one. Even if you plan on being a shrinking violet whenever she’s around for the rest of your life, you have to stand up to her with regards to this.
(Emphasis mine.) Classic Bridezilla thinking. She might avoid conflict with her mother under other circumstances but, damn it, this is HER DAY and by God if she’s not getting her way on HER DAY they she HAS TO – your words – have a fight with her mother. On her wedding day. No recognition that her mother is a guest at the wedding, and no recognition that giving in on something relatively minor might actually improve the day by making sure the bride’s attention and emotional energy are not taken up by mother-issues, when she ought to be making good memories and a lasting commitment to her husband.
But I don’t see why you responded to an opinion that was given respectfully with a big ol’ helping of snark. Not everyone’s going to agree with you all the time, you know.
The idea is to resolve the issue before the wedding. Actually, the ideal thing would be to start standing up to her mother just in general, wedding aside, but it would be nice to at least have some backbone about the wedding.
Giving in to jerks isn’t going to improve anything. If you give another inch, they want another yard. The OP’s description of her mother paints someone who’ll just keep taking and making demands. Sometimes appeasement doesn’t work.
Bridezillas are brides who TAKE - usually from their parents, who drain their bank accounts because little Princess Special wants a $150,000 extravaganza/ego statement. That’s not what this is about.
Mind you, I’m trusting the OP’s description of events as being accurate, but that’s all we have to go on.
I am stone-cold scared of my mother and I’m trying to work up the guts to face her.
