Wedding Woes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Warning: Whinning and bad behavior ahead.

I’m getting married in 5 weeks. Right now, I want to run off to Las Vegas by myself.

My mother, Bobbi, is driving me insane!!!
Bobbi has no money and I’m estranged from my father, so my fiance and I are paying for the wedding. (Since my beloved makes more than I do, its mostly his money.)

Months ago, Bobbi said she would pay for the flowers. She found a vendor she liked, we met and decided on what kind of dying plants I wanted. Since its a small group (30 people) the quote was very reasonable. In the back of my mind, the Little Voice was going, “You know what Bobbi is like. If she gets mad she will not pay for the flowers.” Well, I thought, if she does that then I will pay.

Next, we went dress shopping together. I found a nice dress at a very good price. Since I live with housemates in a place with 15 cats, 4 dogs, 3 tortoises, 3 hamsters, and a 55 gallon tank of fish, my mother offered to store the dress in her pet-free apartment. The Little Voice is back saying, *“If Bobbi gets mad, she will do something to that dress.” * Well, I thought, she’s my mother and I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I should have listened to the Little Voice and now its bitten me in the ass. Bobbi got upset that my fiance chose a table center piece. She said that disappointed her. Bobbi wants us to have some Southern wedding traditions (she and I are originally from Louisiana, but I have lived in Colorado for 15 years and she’s lived in Colorado for 12). Bobbi is sad that not enough of “her people” are invited to the wedding. I lost my tempter.

Me: Ryan is paying the lion’s share for this thing, so he can put whatever he wants on the damn tables! As for the wedding traditions, I spents years in High School trying to get rid of my accent, what makes you think I want to show off my poor-white trash roots! As for “your people”, I have invited your mother (who I haven’t seen in over 20 years) and her husband (who I’ve never met). I’m not going to invite your four siblings and the innumerable cousins they spawned because I do not know them!!

(A little background: My parents had me when they were 20 and in college. As far as I can tell, I was unplanned. They married, had my brother 18 months later, and then divorced when I was 5. Both my parents were the black sheep of their families because of this. Somehow that made a brother and I ultraviolet lambs.)

Now, the flower lady has not returned my phone calls. My mother still has the dress and I need to get it from her for alterations. I feel like an ass, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to be in this position.

sigh Stay tuned . . .

2

I’ve been through my own wedding and helped friends plan theirs. My advice:

Show up at Bobbi’s house and pick up the dress. If you bought it from a bridal salon, many salons will allow you to store the dress there until all alterations are done / you’re ready to wear it. If yours doesn’t, or you didn’t buy from a salon - does your fiance have his own place? If so, consider putting it in an opaque plastic storage bag and storing it at his place. Problem out the door.

If flower lady won’t return your phone calls - and still hasn’t - me, I’d assume she no longer plans to provide services and find someone else and deal with them personally instead of involving Bobbi. This event is too important to be stressing over whether Bobbi is going to sabotage it at the last minute or fail to pay, thus leaving you in the lurch at the last minute, whether intentional or unintentional.

*Get your dress from Bobbi’s place and find an alternate place to store it where you have unfettered access. If you’re having alterations done, there are professional alteration outlets that may also allow you to store your gown until you’re ready to wear it. Also consider your fiance’s place if he’s got his own pad.

*I’d put “flower lady” aside if she can’t be bothered to return your calls. That’s rather unprofessional. Go with someone else and deal with them directly. Eliminate the middleman (as it were) and there’s one less thing to stress about.

One thing I learned from friends during their wedding planning fiascos: I asked them if they’d put up with these kinds of shenanigans if, say, *I * were the one doing them.

Hell, they said, they’d give me the bum’s rush in nothing flat if I tried some of the crap on them that their mothers/fathers/siblings/extended family/in-laws were doing. Well then, why do you put up with it from them?

I know she’s your mother, but sounds like this is causing you a lot of stress and worry. Accept her as she is and gently remove her from planning and unless she gives you cash in hand or hand-delivers the funds to the florist (as you mentioned her finances are less than stellar) then I wouldn’t necessarily put much stock in any promises to pay for this or that. Things have a way of coming up and excuses have a way of getting made at the last minute.

Please don’t take this as an affront at your mother. It just sounds like the two of you might be at cross-purposes and sounds like though she is well-intentioned and just wants to incorporate some of her family culture into the wedding, the two of you don’t have quite the same vision for your big day. That can cause lots of hurt feelings and resentments, so plan it the way you want to and gently inform Bobbi though her offer of help is much appreciated, you and your fiance will take it from here.

Good luck, and congratulations. Have a wonderful wedding and please come back to tell us how it went! :smiley:

3

Thank you silver1. Nothing you said was an affront to my mother. You are right, we each have a different idea of what we want.

Parents have a strange power. They can make you feel like you’re 5 again.

(One day, if my writing skills improve, I hope to entertain the Straight Dope with stories about my crazy family.)

4

I’ve never understood how the person paying for the party can feel that they have a say in how the party is presented. But then, I’m all about running away to Vegas.

You’ll need to find out if your mom still wants to pay for the flowers. If she won’t talk to her, write her a note and tell her if you don’t hear from her by X date, you will assume she’s no longer interested in that portion of your wedding and you’ll have to go ahead and do that part on your own. And don’t let it ruin your party. You need to concentrate on staying within budget and having fun. Congrats!

5

Mouse, I have watched a great deal of people stress over things their family put them through just before what’s supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, and I have said, repeatedly, eff them–it’s your day.

I’m with silver–don’t put up with what makes you crazy.

6

Just chiming in with a me too. Get the dress and find somebody to do the flowers. If your mother must have something southern at the wedding, serve some cheese straws at the reception. Ain’t nuttin’ more southern that a wedding reception with cheese straws.

7

Thank you Kalhoun and Draelin. I’m getting very nervous and stressed, so I’m panicking.

I helped a friend with her wedding last year and now that I’m planning my own, it shocking to see how intense people get about these things.

This thought creeped into my mind, " Weddings are seen as a celebration of monogamy. Why do I feel like I’m getting f__ked by everybody?"

8

Now that’s funny. As long as you can keep your sense of humor, you’ll do just fine. :slight_smile:

9

Wow. I have never heard of cheese straws. I must be losing my Southern heritage.

10

Thanks :smiley:

11

Nah, you just don’t see 'em much outside the south. The dang things are good and addictive. If you’re serving alcohol at you’re wedding, especially beer, they are a good go with thing.

Why, yes, I do sometimes make a batch of cheese straws just for munchin’ while drinking beer. Why do you ask? :smiley:

12

Got a good recipe, swampbear? It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a good Southern wedding, and since Christmas. :slight_smile:

Really, don’t let your mom’s antics get you all hot and bothered. She’s not paying for most of it, so don’t let her control it. And definately rescue your dress. I mean, there’s no need to be rude or vicious to her, but don’t let her rain on your parade either.

13

I’d give the flower lady one chance by showing up at her place of business, in person, and asking whether she got your messages. If her “explanation” is inadequate, simply tell her that you’re sorry but you will have to make other arrangements. No fighting, no recriminations.

14

When that little voice tells you something, and the repercussions are kinda important (like your wedding dress), listen to it. You know as well as we do that you only have yourself to blame if you let things get ruined by people you knew would ruin them. No, you shouldn’t be in this position, but you put yourself in it. Now, shake yourself off and go fix things so you can stop worrying about them. :slight_smile:

You only invite people to your wedding that you want at your wedding. Your mother has no say in this, no matter how much of it she’s paying for. If she paid for all of it, it would be her gift to you to do with as you want. If she wants more Southern traditions, discuss them with her, and if they are okay with you, tell her to go ahead and do them herself (and if she doesn’t, no big deal).

And congratulations, and I hope you have a lovely wedding.

15

Oh jeesh. Wedding dresses. My MIL to be informed my WTB ( wife to be ) that she would pay for the dress. That was mighty nice of her.

This was 1985. She then informed said WTB that a wedding dress really shouldn’t cost more than $ 100.00, since that’s what she paid for hers. In…roughly 1950. :eek:

Incredibly, after a lot of anger and crying, I’m the one who found the dress. We were having an afternoon wedding, suit not tux. She’s not one for formal fru fru anyway. A girl I knew in college had an ivory dress she planned to change into on her wedding day. She never wore it at all. We bought it from her. For more than $ 100.00, might I add. However, it was the perfect dress for an afternoon wedding.

t&d is spot-on. Do a face to face, politely. Give the florist one chance. Then, go find another one.

Best of luck, and mazel tov !!! ;j

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