So is there some way we can go ahead and turn ourselves into brain-eating zombies? I know we can probably find some Haitian witch doctors in New Orleans to make some sort of weirdassed potion to do it, but '50s horror flicks have taught us that nuclear fallout/side effects can also do the trick.
I think we are already there. At least metaphorically.
Sure, Shoshana. You can be the sassy yet tough-as-nails femme in the leather drag. You’ll have to have Copaesthetic chained to your leg, though. Are you any good with crossbows? We can actually sort of cram together a bunch of archetypes at once (“and we pass the savings on to you!”). 
Blackeyes gets to be the burly, barechested leader with the iron mask bolted onto his skull. We will have to change his name to “Lord Humungous” or “Destructor” or something like that.
I, of course, get to be the guy with the mohawk and peg leg. I also want a sidecar so I can have a feisty wench wearing a German helmet with a spike on top riding shotgun.
Can I feast on Jennifer Lopez’s brains? I’m on a diet.
I’ve always wanted to be feisty.
Plus I like sidecars.
But only if I get to bring my shotgun and my knitting. It may be post apocalyptic, but nothing says loving like a hand knit sweater.
Pork Brains have 35000mg of cholesterol per serving. :eek:
I’d stick to skin eating.
Well, that would be a good way to cut down your cholesterol level – just pluck your own brains out with an ice pick, preferrably through your eye sockets, but ears or nose will suffice in a pinch. I’ve got an ice pick right here. Who wants to be treated first?
Starvation never works.
Besides, her ass would feed the SDMB for a month.
I’ll bring my compound bow and deranged killer attack dog.
to hear the neighbors talk thats what he is
Actually, I’ve rethought the midget chained to my leg, and decided to go with a leprecaun instead. So, I’ll have to have a crossbow, an eyepatch, a leprecaun who sings “They’re magically delicious” when I’m eating brains, and two hookers chained to the other leg that I can pimp out for gas.
Now, it’s off to Ireland to find me lucky charms…
Great to hear it dogbutler, skin eating mutant is definitely the healthly lifestyle of the post-apocalyptic future. Low fat, high fiber and protein, and lets face it, who wants to eat a grey lump of tasteless jelly when skin offers so many options (just think of the barbeque!). Its stress free also, we’ll be chilling in our sewer’s relaxing while the motorcycle gangs are road raging over who gets to strap on the midget today and the zombies are looking for the head they forgot to screw on. Its win win!
Hey! I’m currently attending Swarthmore (well, not at this exact moment, as I’m in the midst of summer vacation, but you know what I mean…). I’d be happy to, ahem, donate the brains of everyone in Parrish Hall, administration included.
If everyone starts cracking open everyone else’s heads and feasting on the goo within, there’s going to be a rush on blunt weapons. Since they don’t manufacture maces and such anymore, I offer RickJay’s Handy Guide To Implements Of Skull-Cracking and Goo Feasting:
- A BASEBALL BAT
Baseball bats make fine skull-cracking instruments. They’re commonplace, sturdy, and custom-made for swinging. However, eschew lighter aluminum models; you need mass and density to crack a skull. 30 ounces should be your minimum weight, but most aluminum models are less. Tape the handle for better grip or wear batting gloves.
- AN AXE
There’s really nothing like a wood axe if you want to go on a campaign of cracking people’s skulls. Not only is a good axe end-heavy and built for maximum skull-cracking power, but there’s a certain classic feel to it. Make sure you select a weight you’re comfortable with; axes come in a very wide range of weights. You don’t want something too heavy OR too light.
- A SLEDGEHAMMER
No skull-cracking tool gives you the sheer smashing power of a good old-fashioned sledgehammer. However, I personally feel the sledge doesn’t give the control needed; it’s simply too heavy. You don’t want a weapon that puts you off balance so the other guy can crack YOUR skull open. Also, you’d have to put up with so many Peter Gabriel jokes.
- CLAW HAMMERS AND MALLETS
Far more control than the sledge, a small hammer or mallet still delivers the cast iron destruction needed to get at that goo. The disadvantage, however, is that is requires you close with your victim more than with most other weapons. Not recommended.
- A BOARD WITH A RUSTY NAIL IN IT
Not recommended; though scary, and offering excellent weight-to-reach ratio, a board with a rusty nail in it will have difficulty cracking a skull. You’re trying to feast on the guy’s head-goo, not give him tetanus.
- A CROWBAR
Another classic skull-cracking implement, the reliable old crowbar lacks reach but has plenty of heft, control, and skull-cracking power. You really can’t go wrong with a crowbar in your post-apocalyptic arsenal. They hang nicely on a belt, too.
- A BOWLING PIN
You might be surprised at the usefulness of the standard Brunswick 10-pin bowling pin. A friend of mine once had a bowling pin he had stolen somehow, in his house. He told me that of the scores of people who had ever visited, every single one of the males had picked up the pin and every single one of them had said “This would make a great club.” Dense, heavy, and there’s a terrific comic potential in slaying people with a bowling pin.
- A ROLLING PIN
Great for braining husbands who come home drunk at 4:30 having blown two weeks’ pay on strippers, but lacks the density and weight needed of a good skull-cracker.
- A GOLF CLUB
Golf clubs have a great combination of reach, density, and weight, but they’re unbalanced, making a smooth swing difficult, and have a limited impact area. It’s hard enough to hit a golf ball sitting on a tee with the damned things; imagine how hard it will be to crack the skull of someone who’s running and waving their arms and screaming a lot.
- A WRENCH, CANDLESTICK, OR LEAD PIPE
Unless your last name is “Mustard” and you’re one rank below a brigadier general, too cliche.
Hope this helps!
How about a Popiel Brain-O-Matic? It slices! It dices! It wipes clean with a damp cloth!
Very helpful, RickJay. Next question: is a fork or spoon better for brain eating?
In my experience, the axe tends to deposit too many little skull fragments in the brain matter, making the subsequent consumption somewhat problematic. For comparison, if you like picking tiny bones out of your fish, then axe away. But if you’d prefer to go at the brains like you’re scooping double-handfuls of pudding, then stick to the crowbar. Very effective at cracking the bone and prying it off, with a minimum of fragmentation.
And here’s an important followup inquiry: What wine goes best with brain? Personally, I prefer a nice, spicy Gewurtztraminer, but I concede this will not be to all tastes. (And don’t say Chianti. That’s for newbies and posers. Chianti is to snacking on brains as white zinfandel is to singles bars.)
Me for a serrated brain spork.
I lived on Parrish 4th. A good cardiovascular workout climbing those stairs (though the smoke from Gil Rose’s then-office probably offset that). I’d be happy to eat Alfred Bloom’s brains–he was my advisor.
Am I the only who wants to nitpick this?
(seeing as the correct quote is “Is it really time to crack open each other’s skulls & feast on the goo inside?”)
(Man, I watch WAAAAAY too much Simpsons)
Did anyone else notice that this thread is above the
Umm… do I exhibit sociopathic tendencies?
one?
OK, so it isn’t. But it* should* be 
Damn, Blackeyes I was hoping from the title that this was a sequel to the Straight Dope Horror Movie Game. We’re both dead though. Almost everybody is dead.