I recently met a distant cousin who mentioned that he served in Viet Nam. I asked him how long he had been over there. He said that, since I was family, he’d answer, but that vets consider it bad form to ask this question. Why would this be?
No idea. Is he a genuine vet?
I know we have a few vets here who can answer far better than I, but it suggests to me a bit of angling to not answer.
One of my uncles was in Nam and will move heaven and earth to avoid talking about it to anyone who is not another veteran. According to family he’s always been an alcoholic but after the war he was worse, couldn’t hold a job, got in fights, etc. I’ve met plenty of other Vietnam vets who aren’t as bad as he is, but you can tell they were still traumatized about it.
It was an unpopular war (all the protests and stuff) during an unpopular presidency, a lot of young men were forced into it by the draft, and the kind of warfare it was just made it worse. I don’t know if the most shell-shocked ones just don’t like talking about it, or if it’s a “You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand” thing.
I’ve never heard this before, but I don’t hang out with vets, as they tend to be morose and unable to let go. I did my one year Macnamara tour and have no problem responding to the question. On the other hand, I wasn’t out in the shit like some of them, and I’m sure it dredges up bad memories to talk about it.
I understand not wanting to talk about it, but it seems it was out there from what the OP says. And, perhaps, I’m taking too much from it but it seems the question “How long were you there?” is the difficulty, not just saying you were involved.
My impression from the Vietnam vets I’ve known is that they just don’t like to talk about it, period. I don’t think the specific question of “how long” is offensive in itself; just the whole subject.
Ummm- from the OP
but that vets consider it bad form to ask this question.
This question.
This is not my experience. My father was in Viet-Nam, along with my uncle, and several family friends, as well as a photographer colleague of mine, and they all have no problem talking about certain aspects of their time out there. Hell, since I was a kid I remember my dad getting out the ol’ Viet-Nam photo album every so often to leaf through it. It would never occur to me that a question like “how long were you there” would be considered offensive in the least.
Now, what they all had in common is nobody ever talked about the action itself. Only once in my life, and I will forever remember this moment, about twelve years ago my father finally mentioned to me one brief story of being in the field under gunfire. But that was the only time I ever remember my father or his friends mentioning anything but incidental stuff about the war.
Of course, this is just my experience with a few vets. Your mileage may vary.
I’d wonder if he was a genuine vet, too. There are a LOT of American men in that age group who now claim to have been in the service, many, many more than actually served. And a lot of them have learned that preferring not to talk about it is safer than making more specific claims, which is how they frequently get tripped up. They want the honor that is now accorded Vietnam vets, even though they didn’t serve.
This is my take as well. I have read often about the reluctance of WW1 vets, WW 2 vets, Vietnam and Korean vets to “talk about it”. I often wonder if this, if not an invention, is a catch cry that has developed a cliche status in the media and has become an accepted meme.
Of course there will be those who served who do not wish to discuss it for very good reasons. I have found that all the vets (going back to WW 1 vets) have been happy enough to recount their experiences, if not of battle, of the times and new cultures they encountered. Perhaps not volunteer but certainly not refuse to discuss.
And I believe the “refuse to discuss” theme is to some extent undermined by the number of books published about war experiences.
Again, I appreciate YMMV.
My father was in the Korean mess. He usually won’t discuss anything that happened, except for anecdotes. For instance, he’ll talk about the time that he and his buddies all got drunk, and they wanted bacon sandwiches, and they hoisted my dad up on someone’s shoulders to holler into the mess tent about their urgent need for bacon sandwiches. He will rarely talk about any action, though. He has talked about some tactics, and he was deeply impressed when I pointed out the biggest flaws and what should have been done. Then I spoiled it for him by saying that it was because I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, and said that D&D had started out as wargaming with magic added.
What honor would that be, exactly? Honestly, I’ve never understood. I’ve never felt honored, only used. The only time I become annoyed is when some self-important asshole decides to enlighten the room with his views on how the war should have been fought or dismisses it all with a flippant comment. I almost came to blows with another military guy when somebody mentioned Vietnam and he laughed and said “oh, right, Vietnam: that’s the one we lost, haha.” To dismiss those who die so lightly is just not right.
ETA:** Lynn**: the only comments above directed to you were the first three. The rest is soapbox.
I think it depends on the individual. I know a combat vet who does not mind talking about it. He thought the Vietnam war was stupid. He occasionally has nightmares.
My father was in Korea when it was hot, and he does not talk about it except for a couple of times he pulled one over on the brass e.g.: his sister would send him a monthly loaf of SF sourdough, hollowed out containing a bottle of scotch. Dad still has nightmares about the war.
For a while, there, it seemed like being a Vietnam vet was trendy, and was a guaranteed card to play if you wanted some sort of respect but weren’t otherwise going to get it.
And I happen to agree with you, most of those who fought or otherwise served in Vietnam were used, not for the defense of America, but for various selfish reasons.
People who really don’t want to talk about a topic use the clever strategy of not volunteering information that would naturally lead to follow-up questions.
It sounds like your cousin was laying a trap so that he could play the role of an offenderati.
If I meet any who is a Viet Nam Vet I assume he was there for 11 to 12 months, unless he tells me he did more than one tour.
I do not see asking someone how long he was there as rude. If you start asking about the battles he was in, that is different. My friends have told me some stories, I listen but have never asked.
Having a problem talking about combat is not just a Viet Nam vet issue. My Father in Law was in the Marines during WWII. I have heard some of his stories about WWII but very few about his combat times. Infact we, my wife and me, are not sure what battles he was in other than he fought on Iwo with the 4th division.
Many combat vets are reluctant to talk about their experience with outsiders. I have a very good friend that was in 'Nam. With the lubrication of beer, campfires and the fact that I’m a (Non-Combat) veteran he shared the following: one of his Purple Hearts was for being stabbed until “Someone stopped him” (Read: Brains on your shirt) and more than once, he saw pigs eating corpses.
It’s no wonder that they are reluctant to go into any detail about what they experienced. We simply can’t relate.
The OP didn’t ask what he experienced, he asked how long he was there.
That opens the discussion; it, almost inevitably leads to the details; which can be a Pain in the Ass.
Different war, but it matches my own experience with Spanish '36 Civil War veterans. The only time I heard a story involving shots it was from Grandpa and he was so angry he was shaking. I don’t count “your Da got made during some medical leave his Da got from taking a bullet, therefore y’all owe your lives to the anarchist who shot Abuelito” as “stories involving shots”.