Is it rude to make a party an "adults only" affair?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I think it is best to be clear about things with party invitations. I recall years ago when I moved to a country town, one of the locals, a big burly labourer came around to invite me to a party at his place.

“There’ll be heaps of drinking,” he told me and luckily I like a drink.

“Plenty of fighting probably,” he said but I can look after myself.

“Lots of fucking too,” he growled which was good news for someone who hadn’t had any for a while.

I asked when the party was set to start and he said, “Whenever you get there. It’s only you and me.”

42

Okay, but are they all incontinent and morphine-addicted?

43

This sounds good, but I’d guarantee there will be at least one clueless, self-absorbed couple who reads this to mean “If you need to hire a sitter, these will be the hours, but if your little precious is sooo special that you can’t bear to leave him/her at home, you won’t need a sitter, because you will bring him/her with you”.

44

As much as I like kids (got four), I don’t think having them anywhere near the hotel would be a good idea (for those who think having a sitter in a room or near the pool is a good alternative). If the kids know the parents are in the other room they will end up in the other room. And don’t underestimate parents.
You can pretty much guarantee that some of the parents will migrate into the children’s area too.

Specify on the invite that this is a dinner party for couples, with an RSVP to include the specific names of those attending (first names, with the intent that you will make name tags ahead of time with the person’s preferred name on the tag, (not Mr. Smith or John Smith, but rather Jack)). If the person is single specify that they can bring a date.
This way if you get an RSVP back with eleven names on it you can be sure to address that long before the party.

45

The etiquette answer on this is clear – it is not rude to invite only adults to a party. There is no etiquette rule stating that children must be invited everywhere along with their parents. None. Significant Others have to be invited together socially, but not kids. So, from an etiquette perspective, your party is fine as you have planned it.

Stating “Adults only” on an invitation, however, is against standard etiquette. This is because it’s exclusionary. You put the names of the people who are invited on the invitation, you don’t include a list of people who aren’t invited.

These are the etiquette answers. Now lets deal a minute with the real world. Might some people think you are rude for excluding their Widdle Darlings? Yep, there are people who will think so. I wouldn’t sweat that too much. Them thinking you are rude doesn’t make you rude.

More seriously – might some people try to bring their kids anyway if you don’t make it very clear that they can’t? Unfortunately, yes. You know your guest list better than we do – are adult only parties completely unheard of in your circle? If so, you may very well run into problems.

I think the best thing is to make the invitations rather formal looking. Use white or ecru cardstock with black printing and formal, third person wording. Also use formal titles in the addressing. That is to say, “Mr. & Mrs. Whosie Whatsis” for married people. If you have any non-married couples coming, or couples with different last names, or whatever, and you need to know how to address them formally, let me know – I’m an event planner and I’m good with formal addressing. I could help you with wording the invitation, too. It needs to be formal enough that it will be clear that this isn’t some backyard BBQ that kids wouldn’t be noticed at.

On the RSVP card, instead of a blank line, use one that reads ‘number attending.’ Not ‘number of adults attending,’ because some might think this means that kids eat free or someething. Just ‘number attending.’ If anyone writes in more than 2, you’ll have to call them up and say, “I’m so sorry my invitation wasn’t clear enough. I’m afraid this is a formal, evening party and we can’t accomodate children there.”

Keep in mind, too, that you will have people who do not RSVP. Even if you include stamped RSVP cards. This is the number one rudeness I see from the guest’s side – failing to RSVP. You will have to call some people and see if they are planning to attend. When you call, say “I hadn’t heard back from you about my party on the 8th. I’m getting the numbers together for the caterer, so I thought I’d better call and ask if you were going to be able to attend. … Oh great! We were really hoping to see you there. So I can put you down for two, then? … Oh no – I’m sorry for the confusion. I’m afraid this is a formal, evening party and we can’t accomodate children there.”

46

Speaking as the father of a 2 year old…

I might be mildy miffed to receive an invitation that said my son wasn’t welcome, but I’d get over that in a few seconds. Fact is, very parent KNOWS there are occasions where his kids would be out of place. If someone invited me and my wife to a formal dinner, we’d be crazy to bring our 2 year old along!

So, you should definitely find a polite way to phrase the request, but don’t worry about hurting your friends’ feelings. If they’re reasonably mature adults, they’ll understand- and then it’s their choice to stay home with their kids or to hire a babysitter and come to your affair.

47

Ding, Ding, Ding!! We have a winner. No more calls, please.

48

Sidetrack: Ok, I love how it’s common knowledge that if you’re name’s not on the invitation, you’re not invited. However, Only Mostly Dead and I were “invited” to a wedding this year when an invitation came to his parents addressed to his parents only. Now his mom knew that the bride had asked for our contact information so that we could be invited to the wedding, and I had already received an invitation to the bridal shower, but not our own invitation to the wedding. His mom called, and got a long list of excuses at the end of which the mother of the groom said, “Oh, on my list we have ‘Mr and Mrs Only Mostly Dead’s Parents: 6 people’” This would be his parents, us, his sister, and her boyfriend for those keeping track.

WTF??? Just goes to show you there’s no helping some people. They will assume the whole gang’s invited no matter what’s on the invitation. They may also send an invitation to you later on and want you to assume that your kids are invited. The best way (although a little tacky) is to stick “Adults only, please.” at the bottom of the invite.

49

I guess I’m unclear on why an RSVP is insufficient? If some one RSVPs for more than two, it seems a phone call would be in order with an “Oh I’m so terribly sorry, I will have a party where children are welcome, but I did not make concessions for them at this one. In the future, I might have a barbecue, where your children will be welcome, but I’m sorry, I simply can not accommodate them at this time.”

If they think that rude, then it’s up to them do decide whether it’s appropriate to add un-invited people to an invitation.

50

People don’t send RSVPs, that’s why, and then just show up randomly.

51

If they don’t send an RSVP, they should be called.

I’m assuming that this is not a 600 person affair.

52

And now I look at the OP who says it is 50 people (25 couples?). Certainly this is few enough people for a follow-up if an RSVP remains unsent.

53

It’s one thing to have a barbecue where there’s beer. It’s another to bring your kid to a cocktail party where the parents may decide to have some drinks and stop paying attention to their kids. At a barbecue there’s usually (at least, at the barbecues and family reunions I’ve been to) a few people who stay sober and kinda keep watch on the kids (I’m one of them). At a cocktail-style party, that’s not as likely to happen. And if you bring your teenager you know they’ll probably try to snag some anyway because it’s forbidden.

I never got to experience normal adult style socializing and drinking, and I turned out fine. I took my first sip of alcohol at 17, and waited until I was about 20 to even attempt to drink again, and didn’t start drinking on a regular, social basis until I turned 21. I just don’t believe that if you have a toddler or child under 10 it’s appropriate to take them to a party at a hotel where there’s going to be adults actively drinking (and a few possibly getting tipsy).

Plus, it’s an easy out - he could say that he’s concerned because there’ll be drinking there, for the kids sake. Makes him look better.

~Tasha

54

I don’t consider it rude and I’ve been invited to a few functions that were specifically adult only affairs. Nothing exciting, really, just some drinking and the hosts didn’t really want to have to watch their language or the subject matter. When I sent out invitations I lay out my policy on children. Feel free to bring them but I don’t take steps to ensure that they’re entertained. I’ve never had any problems.

Marc

55

“Because we will be having strippers, slot machines, cigar tasting, and bullet-catching contests, state law forbids anyone under 18 from entering the facility.”

56

Sadly, Mrs. D_Odds is one of those types who think an invitation means everyone, not just those named. Most recent example - a baby shower. Somehow, I lived 4 decades without ever being invited to a baby or bridal shower. However, as the younger set of cousins started getting knocked up, the invitations began. Mrs. D says to me that so-and-so is having her baby shower in a couple of weeks - my thoughts are, “That great, I’ve got the house to myself for a day!” Fast forward two weeks, as I’m putzing around, “Why aren’t you getting ready, we have the baby shower today!” Me, “Huh? I’m not on the invitation, am I?” “That doesn’t matter, it’s family.” “Yes it does. Baby showers are usually exclusively female.” Mrs. D, “No they’re not. I had men at mine (for my step-daughter).”

That last bit, of course, meant that all baby showers were unisex. I got to give a big “told-you-so” when we arrived (having lost the fight to stay home), but I was so pissed that I really didn’t enjoy it.

57

As a parent of two small children, I understand the compulsion some people have to bring their children with them. Especially for people that mostly hang out with other families, it becomes second habit to assume that children are welcome by default. I notice the same thing with some people and their pets - bringing their dog to someone else’s house without checking first (this has happened more than once at my house.)

Etiquette might be that only persons named on the invitation are supposed to be attending, but you can’t rely on that either. Back when I was single I more than once received invitations just addressed to my name, and when I would call the person to confirm they would say “are you bringing anyone with you?” or “Bring [insert girlfriend name] along!”

It’s not your responsibility to provide babysitters at the event, or help people find babysitters, or have a separate room for children. However, if you do, you have a better chance of the parents actually attending, and you will have fewer people saying they will attend and then not showing up because of problems with babysitting. It all depends what is more important to you.

I agree that it should be made explicit as possible - “adults only, no children under the age of …”

58

Is this an American thing? Growing up in Switzerland, whenever you go to a party, even an afternoon barbecue, people will be drinking wine or beer, and some of them will probably drink a little too much. I can’t imagine many partied where they would be no drinking (even though in my family my father only drank wine when there was company, and my mother never drank alcohol - when people come over to your house, or you go to their house, you bring a bottle of wine with you).

59

I think it varies. I just don’t, personally, find it appropriate to let an under-ten-year-old-child be around a bunch of people who’ve been drinking - I know that even after one drink I stop giving a shit about anyone else but me, and I know a lot of people who are the same. When my friends bring their kids around, we don’t drink, because they’re relatively young, and when my parents friends bring their teenagers around we don’t do it because we know they’ll want some. And while I don’t, per se, have a problem with teenagers drinking (they’ll do it anyway) I have a problem being accessory to it.

A lot of people get kind of violent when they’re drunk, too (and not just the alcoholics) which is another reason I don’t think it’s cool to let little kids be around it - they might inadvertantly get clobbered because they don’t know to stay away from the drunk guy who’s swinging his arms around.

Like I said, having a glass or two of wine (or a beer) with dinner isn’t a big deal. When it gets to the possibility that there might be drunkenness, I don’t find it appropriate at all, unless there’s going to be someone there who will definitely keep an eye on all of them.

~Tasha

60

Perhaps it is a cultural difference. I have read that in America people are more prone to swearing off all alcohol during the week and then engaging in binge drinking on the week-end, whereas in the european countries I am familiar with, people will drink moderately but all throughout the week. I am a little surprised to see these comments “I know that even after one drink I stop giving a shit about anyone else but me”, and even realizing that alcohol can affect people in different ways, that seems odd.

As far as the observation that “A lot of people get kind of violent when they’re drunk”, my experience has been that the people that get violent when drunk are the kind of people that are obnoxious and belligerent when sober. But maybe I don’t get out enough.