My husband was pretty much raised by wolves. His stepfather would bark orders, and his mother would race to do whatever it was. My husband does know how to say please and thank you, but he often doesn’t bother. So if we’re eating out, and someone refills our tea, I’ll say “thank you” when both glasses are filled. And then I’ll tell him, privately, that he needs to remember to do this. When we’re at home, and he falls into Caveman Mode and barks an order at me, I say “no”. He’ll ask why not, and I’ll explain that between his tone and omitting to say please, I don’t feel like it, and he can damn well get his own <whatever>. And if I bring him something, and he doesn’t say “thank you”, I’ll remind him that he needs to say this, or I’m less likely to bring him a treat next time.
But I don’t do this in front of other people, except for our daughter.
Yes, its rude for an adult to correct the manners of another adult - or of any child over whom they do not have responsibility. Kids get treated with the same respect as other adults and unless you job is to raise or help raise those kids, don’t correct their manners.
Not that being rude doesn’t have its time and place.
Reminding an adult to say please? Yep, it’s rude. But I can’t ever see someone doing that to another adult unless the requester was being a jerk in the way they were asking.
This has happened to me twice lately. The first time, I had strep throat and couldn’t have talked if I wanted to. The old lady saying “You’re welcome!” in a pissed off tone of voice made me feel even crappier than I already did.
The second time, I was about to say thank you, but the guy interjected another angry “You’re welcome!” before I got the chance to take a breath.
Now I’m sure there have been times when I’ve forgotten a “Thank you” or two, and I’ve been trying to work on that, but fighting rudeness with rudeness is just ridiculous. Doesn’t accomplish much.
That’s what I think. Which is why I categorized the matter in question as rude. But I’m not sure how to describe the situation I see often, the world can be a rude place, and sometimes rudeness is the way to navigate it. Is it really rude anymore when rudeness is appropriate for the situation, or do the rules change in that case?
^^ That! When I was younger, I had friends actually work to train me not to say please with everything! :smack: To their way of thinking, as friends the please wasn’t always needed, and to use it implied distance. :o
I was brought up to be pretty liberal with a please or a thank you. So I get things like at the shop:
“Could I have a box matches please.”
On being handed them - “Thank you.”
Hand over money, get change - “Thank you.”
But that’s just me. I don’t think I’d tell anyone else to say please or thank you. I don’t know that I even made much effort to teach my kids, they just learned by observation.
Etiquette says that we do not note breaches of etiquette by others. Exceptions exist for parents who are supposed to educate their children, teachers who must pick up the slack when parents fail, and those like Miss Manners and Emily Post who are tasked with being repositories of general knowledge on etiquette. And note that they do not, as a rule, rebuke people for bad etiquette, unless the person has already asked for their opinion in the matter.
Thanks for all the responses and views, I have found them very helpful.
As astounded as I am by the number of those who believe as long as they are not barking at you, the politeness is ‘implied’ by the ‘tone’, I certainly understand better why it’s falling into disuse. We live in changing times.
Of course, I’m in Canada, where someone not saying ‘Please’, stands out a little more, I think.
(Myself, if I fall out of the habit, while I may feel initially chagrin, on being reminded, in short order I would be grateful for correction. But clearly, that is just me!)
I habitually use “Sir” or “Ma’am” without thinking about it. It’s not all the time, but it’s a common verbal tic for me. When I was in Basic, a couple of the guys in my flight claimed that calling them “Sir” was rude, for the same reason.
One guy almost got belligerent with me over the issue, telling me that he’d start to get mad if I kept calling him “Sir”.
So I asked him if I should call him “Asshole” instead.
For some reason, the two of us never got along.:rolleyes:
My baby sister, in her early 30s now, frequently calls me sir. The ten-year age difference probably has something to do with it; she doesn’t feel as if we’re really the same generation. Oddly enough, she also says she appreciates the fact that I’m the only one among our siblings who doesn’t treat her as if she’s twelve.
Attribution, please?