I’ve been seeing a few articles like these being posted by gay Facebook friends lately decrying “sexual racism”. Gay men freely posting on Grindr and such that “I’m not into Asians” or “keep it white” yada yada. I see similar personals everywhere though. I had thought that personal relationships was the one place where it was okay to have defined racial preferences. Not so much because I think that intellectually it’s right(it’s not), but because it’s so personal and intimate that we can’t go judging people for having their preferences, and simply because I believe that 95% of people have these preferences. And if we acknowledge that these preferences are okay, then it’s okay to say them out loud. It makes less sense to infer that you’ll date anyone but then only pick certain candidates based on their race.
So is “sexual racism” or “relationship racism” something we should judge people for, or should we regard this area of life as too personal to interfere with? Mind you I’m not talking about government action here, as the government could never legally allow say, lawsuits because a woman turned you down ,I’m talking more about the social pressures that we bring to bear against people who openly express racist views. Seems that it’s still quite okay to express definite racial preferences for romantic relationships. Should this last bastion of open racism be stamped out?
There are many ways I could present my sexual preferences that have varying degrees of racial hatred/abuse woven into my words.
How we present ourselves (even how we present our sexual preferences/perversions) reflect our personality. If your personality is offensively racist, unsurprisingly, that is what will be reflected in your words/actions; true, no matter who you are screwing.
I am really into big tits. Like, really into them. This is a sexual preference of mine. Not one I’m going to use as an exclusion category, but given the choice, yeah, big tits all the way. Maserati is something approaching a perfect woman, IMO. I don’t think anyone is going to fault me for this; it’s just what I’m into, and a lot of people feel the same. Some men are really into skinny women, some women really like broad shoulders, some gay dudes are super into chubby, hairy guys.
Most of these traits are just as much genetic as a person’s skin color.
I find it very hard to take talk of “sexual racism” seriously. I mean, I get that it sucks for those excluded or objectified by it. That’s unfortunate, and we should be understanding of them and their problems. But to act like there’s something wrong with not being into a certain skin color, or facial features, or the like? Sorry, that’s not something I choose, any more than I “choose” whether or not I’m into certain body types.
“all women prefer men of their own race” seems like it makes the case a slam dunk to me. Maybe that’s why I’m primarily seeing these types of articles in the gay community? It doesn’t strike me as an argument that straight feminists would have much patience for and straight men would probably just shrug. But gay men already live with a lot of hurt and rejection in their lives and it probably sucks even worse to have other gay men not want you because of your race.
You know? What I think we’re seeing here, is a very petty and ugly psychosocial trend.
In short: people try to give themselves status by distancing themselves from whatever they think is at the bottom of their pyramid, and getting too close to themselves for comfort.
It’s the same with obesity. It’s mostly the insecure, unsuccesfull men who loudly boast: “I hate fatties, wouldn’t touch them with someone elses dick”.
Subtext: “I recognize fat women are the least popular, and perhaps I should choose between dating a fat women and not dating at all, and I DON’T WANNA, <insert tantrum> so that’s why I feel the need to loudly proclaim I hate fat women”.
This Cracked article recently highlighted that a very obese women had plenty of men sexually interested in her, even fetishizing her, but that none of those men were willing to admit so publicly. Fear of losing status.
So, in short, having preferences are okay. Loudly broadcasting those preferences shows you are an insecure asshole.
One thing I do agree with the writer of the article on though is that I don’t think racial preferences are hardcoded the way a breast preference would be. Racial preferences tend to be based more on environment I would think.
Sensitivity is an issue here I think, but I also think that if people have definite preferences that they should be stated up front. Just not so rudely. But if I was still in the dating market I wouldn’t want to waste my time messaging women who just weren’t going to be interested at all due to superficial issues like race, weight, income status, etc. Even attractiveness. I’m unattractive, so when a woman says, “Seeking attractive, fit male”, that tells me “no ugly dudes, no fat dudes” in a fairly polite way, so I’d steer clear and not waste anyone’s time.
It probably is some form of racism if you are intellectually consistent. Just like preferring a particular sex/gender/? is some form of sexism/genderism.
What people like of don’t like does not matter at all does it, how can you change that.:smack:
To have people in your face about such is just stupid.
It’s like food, a mate says this is the way to cook something and I say no I don’t like that at all, your wrong I hate it done like that and then he disregards what I have to say full on, talk about bloody ignorance.
Another new issue that’s coming up now is straight people’s reluctance to date transgendered. I do really wonder what kind of dating market there is for the transgendered. Seems to me that they are in an impossible situation unless they just deceive.
Obviously, it’s hard to control attraction and you like what you like. On the other hand if someone thought a celebrity was a beautiful Latina only to have their attraction change to revulsion when they discovered she was actually a light-skinned Black woman, I’d think they needed to do some soul-searching.
Why is this any different from say women who will only date “tall” men? It’s just another genetic factor out of a person’s control. Just because race is a protected class and height isn’t?
I’ve been pondering this topic for the longest time and I still am not sure whether the answer is “Yes, it’s wrong” or “no, it’s not.”
I’ll put in some random thoughts though, in no particular order of importance:
You can’t scold or shame people into being attracted to something they’re not attracted to. Shaming or scolding them is simply going to make them be quiet about it - but the preference is still there inside. Someone may pretend on the outside, “Oh, I have no racial preferences” in order to seem tolerant and non-bigoted, but deep down inside still think, “I will never ever date or marry a Hispanic person.”
Many people with racial preferences aren’t just concerned about their own preference, they’re concerned about what their family and friends would think. There is a lot of discrimination in Asia against black people, for instance - very racist attitudes. An Asian person may want to be in a relationship with a black person, but still shy away from doing so because of fear of condemnation and judgement from their Asian peers and family.
I think dating and relationships is perhaps the last arena of social interaction where this sort of racial preference is openly tolerated - even by many liberals. Even on the Straight Dope, there are some liberals (I won’t name them) who have argued in previous threads that racial preferences in relationships aren’t racist.
My own view is that it’s wrong, but that there are some things it’s just not cool to judge people over. Ideally, no one should discriminate on race in any aspect of their lives. I do think there are extreme cases. I have no patience for people who proudly say “I never date outside my race”, which is often not only a bit hateful, but ignorant as well, since most of these people don’t even really know what race is. I’m tempted to ask, “YOu appear to be of West African descent, so does that mean you refuse to date men of West African or Southern African descent?”, or “You appear to be Italian, does that mean Irishmen are not welcome?” In the US we have such a weird view of race that’s so expansive, yet so limited as well.
Okay, but OKcupid is taking a fairly large sample size. I see no reason why their findings wouldn’t parallel any statistical analysis of the actual "dating market. It’s not like OKcupid appeals to a certain demographic.
Attraction is what it is. Gosh, I don’t know how you can tell someone what to be attracted to; it’s akin to telling gay people they shouldn’t be gay. What, buddy, you don’t like women? That’s like saying you don’t like blacks. Why aren’t those equivalent? Some people like women with long hair, some with short hair. Some people like muscular men, some like wiry men. Some like this and some like that. If you don’t like white women or black guys or whatever, whaddya gonna do?
Your sexual preferences do not preclude you from being decent and fair to everyone else on the planet. I only have sex with one particular person, so in a sense I am not giving a dating shot to anyone on earth who is not female, white, Jewish, 5’3", about 120 pounds, has long brown hair, green eyes, has a math degree, likes 70’s prog rock, plays cards, and happens to live in the same house as me. Is that unfair?