My husband and I use letters when we get caught in that cycle (same argument, different words x 30). We both feel it’s a wonderful tool against making rash comments that can never be taken back. Sometimes it’s as easy for us as hanging up and using text messages. I once deflated a lot of building anger just by texting “bet you with you had gotten that unlimited text package now!”
Stupid text messages aside, writing actual letters work great for us. We both tend to hear what we want to hear, or at least hear it in a preconcieved light. Reading your loved one’s words gives you a chance to go over parts that particularly stung and see if the initial reaction is there after the initial reaction has faded. Writing does loose the emotion, and sometimes that fight needs the emotion taken away to kill its fuel.
…see if the sting is there after the initial reaction has faded.
Wow, you guys are fantastic. These are definitely things I’m willing to try.
Here’s something promising in the saga. She called me just a bit ago and while we were chatting she suddenly remembered she told a friend of ours to come over tomorrow for gyros from our favorite gyro place. I just said “Oh”, Then she said, “I’m going to call her back and tell her we’re going to have to do gyros another night.”
That is something. It made me feel good that she actually placed our conversation (relationship) first. It made me feel better that she did this without being nudged. This is new. I have to remember to tell her that it made me feel good. 
Notes and letters are great tools to let the other person know how you feel and what you are thinking without being interrupted or sidetracked with bickering over the same old arguments. In the letter, say what’s really on your mind, to the point, but without any sarcasm, belittling, judging or disrespect. Nobody can ever tell you how you should feel about a particular topic or thing, only you can. You just want your partner to listen how you feel about something, and invite him/her to express their own feelings about that topic/thing in the same format. Then agree on a time and place to discuss working out said topic/thing while observing fair fighting rules. Review those rules together before engaging your topic/thing is discussed. Most important…listen to each other…use an item to pass to each other which means that person is speaking while the other is listening so nobody is talking over or interrupting the other. Keep the volume of the conversation to normal. Take time to find things that you can agree on or resolve first before tackling the “heavy issues”. Once you get a few issues resolved, you will start feeling like a team again and willing to tackle the heavier issues that are plaguing the relationship.
Good Luck!
I’m asking this from the perspective of a former 3rd shift worker and realizes what a time crunch that puts on things. If/when this gets worked out, what plan will be put in place to ensure that you have time in the future to spend together, enjoy each other, and work on your relationship? Something to think about.
Also, I’m not opposed to the letter writing. The few times my husband and I have had very serious talks it’s been through e-mail because I feel like it gets my message across without me getting all crazy overemotional and I don’t forget anything I want to say. It’s worked for us, but I can’t say it would for everyone else.
Is she hispanic? Just when I was moving to Philly, I happened to read an article explaining that some cultures (the examples used were Spain and Italy) interruptions aren’t so much an attempt to take over the conversation as a way to say “I hear you” or request clarification (trying to take over the conversation is still considered rude); in other places (northern Europe), saying “a-ha… a-ha…” is seen as an invasion by barbarian troops.
I can confirm it.
Make that one of your first points? Maybe you need to learn to figure out when she’s asking a question because she needs clarification and she needs to learn to let you finish - before it becomes “let me finish damnit!”
Thanks for the link Yeticus, I am printing the rules out.
BoBettie, I’m not sure what will be put in place. One of the issues I have and have discussed with her many times is that we have to make time for us and only us. We’re rarely ever alone and if we are it’s for such a short time. I’ve addressed this many times and it does appear that she’s starting to understand the importance of this and make adjustments accordingly. It’s happening slowly, mind you, but it* is* happening so time will tell.
Nava, No, she’s not Hispanic. It’s (the interrupting) just something she does. It drives me as well as all of our friends batty, she’s aware that she does it and she works on it sometimes. I’ve been growing less and less tolerant of it and my lack of tolerance for it seems to be having an impact. I grew up with a father that did and still does interrupt incessantly and it drives me batshit. It’s also rude. Rather than get bitchy with her, I will listen to her speak, uninterrupted for sometimes 20 minutes about her day or whatever she may want to talk about. When it’s my turn, if she interrupts, I let her know that she spoke uninterrupted now it’s my turn. If she does it again, the conversation ends.
Anyway, I’m a little nervous about talking. I think it’s because I have some very serious issues to address with her and I want to be able to say what I need to say, and I don’t want to get overly emotional or accusatory. I also don’t want her to try to twist everything I say and try to turn the blame for her actions back on me. As I already mentioned she has a tendency to not want to have any discussions when they are about her actions. Another reason I’m nervous is that some of the things I need to talk about, if not remedied, could be deal breakers for me. Facing the reality that this relationship seriously has a chance of not working out is depressing. 