Hi all. I just wrote this, but haven’t sent it. I’m going to sit on it for a day or so, but wanted some input. The very brief back story is that I started seeing a girl this June. She was here for the summer working at the same place I was, but is finishing college this year in the Midwest. We both fell in love with each other, and have each visited the other in the past few months. She’s finishing school this May and is moving to the New England area at least, if not here to be with me (job dependent).
We talk on the phone occasionally, and on an IM regularly. Well, sort of regularly. Lately that’s been happening less frequently than it had, and I’ve been having a very challenging time keeping the relationship “active,” if that makes any sense. Anyway, I’m thinking of sending the following note; please tell me if anything in it is begging to be taken the wrong way. My intention is not to place blame or hurt her for the sake of hurting her. On the other hand, I want to be honest with how I’m feeling.
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Hey babe.
I started to get some things off my chest the other night, but I didn’t really get to formulate exactly what I was thinking, and we didn’t really have much time to chat. I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated lately, and wanted to talk with you about it. I love you. This isn’t me being angry, and I know that the things I’m frustrated with are not things meant to hurt me. But, I don’t like feeling the way I do, and so need to talk it through with you. Basically it’s about how we communicate. Being as far apart as we are, it’s really easy to lose quality communication without an intentional effort. And, being far apart, intentional communication is (at least I think) a fundamental part of keeping a relationship active. I feel like we’re losing some of that intentional communication, and I’d like to get it back.
I try to stay up every night until 2:30-3 sometimes for the chance of getting to talk with you for a little bit. If I make it that long and if you happen to get online it’s pushing 4AM before I get to sleep. It feels like lately I’m talking with you later and later at night, or not at all more often than not. Chatting on IM is certainly no substitute for actual face-to-face, but as you pointed out the other day, texting is no substitute for chatting on IM, but I feel like it’s becomming a substitute. I have things I want to tell you about my day, or ask you about yours, and it’s hard to remember what those are when I’m falling asleep at 2:30, and even harder two or three days later if that much time goes by between conversations. It seems like often there’s just enough time for a brief summary of the past few days before one of us is ready for bed.
I have no idea what you’re doing, usually ever. I want to know about your day, interesting things that happen, boring things that happen, how rehearsals are going, what you’re doing in your free time. Anything really, because I’m interested in you. I feel like I might get one or two little details if I am persistant about asking, and otherwise the answer is, “class, rehearsal, hanging with Emily.” At any given time I probably have no picture in my head about what you’re doing, and I’d like to! It’s a challenge to be interested in your life when I get so few pieces of information about it. The big stuff isn’t all that matters to me. I want the small stuff too.
I try very hard to keep you abreast of what I’m doing and what I’m feeling. I tried to communicate that a little bit the other night (in my after 2AM pretty-tired mental state), and your answer was, basically, “don’t worry, I love you. I’m ready for bed goodnight” (at least that’s how it felt to me). I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt a little put-off by your response. Not that I didn’t believe you, and not that it wasn’t really late and probably time for bed, but it felt like I finally had a chance to talk to you for a bit after quite a few days, and needed to share something kind of important, and you brushed it off.
For the last four or five months I’d gotten to talk with you practically every night, and then once this semester started it’s gotten progressively rarer and rarer. I know you’re wicked busy and have a lot on your plate. Maybe I’m spoiled by the amount of time I got to spend talking with you in the fall. But, I feel like I’ve been pushed to a back burner, and am now the last person on your list of people to socialize with.
We’ve never really talked about setting up a plan for talking with each other; we kind of fell into a pattern in the fall that seemed to work for both of us. And, clearly that pattern has changed, which is fine; schedules change and so on. But, what it’s changing to is something that is really not working for me. I love you, and want to figure out a way that we can talk regularly that doesn’t leave me passing out in front of my computer at 2:30 in the morning every night of the week hoping I might get a chance to talk with you, which makes me start to feel kind of pathetic, but then I feel like if I didn’t I’d get to talk to you . . . who knows when?
So, that’s how I’ve been feeling the past week or so. I love you. I love getting a text or two from you during the day. I love knowing that you’re thinking about me. More than anything or anyone before I want to be with you, and for this to work. I remember talking this summer a bit about being about the moment more than being about the future. Well, for the moment I can’t be with you in person, and so the moment is lacking in a way that it never lacked before. I have to look to the future because that’s where you are. So, I start to live at least a part of my day in anticipation of getting to talk with you in the evening. When that hope doesn’t get realized it’s disappointing to say the least.
Anyway, that’s a lot I know. Maybe we can find some time in the next day or two to chat about it?
Again, I love you. Trust me, if you weren’t immensely important to me I wouldn’t bother to bring this up.
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