Oh, and please bear with me here with the major self-pitying attitude. I’ve been looking over my finances lately-and let’s just say they ain’t too good. So forgive me if I’m a wee bit over-dramatic. Same with the health-thing. (They’re kinda-interconnected right now)
How exactly does this work? The math of the situation of one person living in a crappy apartment raising a child while two other people live at another location seems like it would be much more than three people living somewhere while raising a child.
50 years ago you could be pretty well set at 20 if your were an adult male. These days? You are lucky is you are finiancially independant until you are 30; by this I mean having some disposable income; not paycheck to paycheck.
How does it not work? One less mouth to feed/clothe = more money for them. I didn’t say I did it so that I would have more money.
Also, if I lived with my parents, I still counted as a dependent for purposes of financial aid. Dependent students must calculate an “expected family contribution” which reduces the amount of aid they can receive because, presumably, the family can be expected to cover a certain cost. My parents didn’t have anything to contribute.
I guess he’s seeing from the point of three adults pooling the resources together, like in the usual roomate situations were rent is split three ways, as well as utilities, and even food can also be done that way. Also, household chores may be rotated so that not the same person does it all the time (and has that time available to do something else).
It makes sense for me this way, since as I’ve been saying, the only thing the adult offspring get is the roof and room they’ve already used. Everything else in their life they have to provide for, and they also contribute to the family’s finances.
And I don’t know about financial aid in your place, but I thought in other places you could still live with the parents and qualify for aid, as long as your parents were not claiming you for tax purposes (and you had your own ID and your own tax returns/proof of financial independence).
If her parents had absolutely nothing to give, it doesn’t matter who she lives with, there’s no “expected contribution” if there’s nothing to contribute. The student aid would have worked out roughly the same.
And XJETGIRLX, why would you be a mouth to feed if you lived with your parents? Wouldn’t you have been working as well?
You’ve obviously never met my parents 
Even though I was working, if I had stayed they wouldn’t have taken my money.
The point of being a responsible, functioning member of society isn’t simply which way the finances work out. Yes, it’s going to be more costly for two people to live in separate residences, but you can only truly learn to be responsible for yourself and your own well-being by completely supporting yourself (which you just can’t do completely until you move out).
Which has jack all to do with whether or not it’s “irresponsible” to live with your parents past a certain age.
Your situation doesn’t even mesh with your opinion that an able-bodied adult should leave the next as soon as possible. Your parents sound stubborn, you sound stubborn, and so you both tossed away what would have been a beneficial situation for all of you because of that stubborness.
So what about all the countless of people that go from living with the parents to living with roomates to living with SOs/spouses all the way till they die? They never live alone, they never have to subsist on their own income, they have others to share the household chores, rent, and utilities (and God, can they mooch too).
Do you look down on them too? Because I bet there are a whole lot of those around.
What others have said is that in many cases, the arrangement of living with the parents resembles more the roomate situation (minus probably the rent) than the “extended childhood” situation, and that in some cases even, the adult offspring’s salary is an essential part of the household.
It has everything to do with being responsible. As a responsible adult I made a choice to reduce the burden to my parents and support myself because I was capable of doing so. How on earth would it have been beneficial to make my parents feel like they had to continue taking care of me just so I could save a buck?
By moving out I not only did I allow my parents to free up some of their own money, I proved that they’d done a good job of raising me to be a functional member of society. I was able to get a full time job, and by the time my peers were sleepily crawling out of their parents’ nests I already had several years of experience in my career and out in the real world under my belt. I don’t see how any of that is a bad thing.
Like I’ve said before, if the child has to support the family, or if there are medical or other unusual circumstances it’s not an issue but staying home and relying on mom and dad to put a roof over your head so you can save a buck or two isn’t responsible. It might be the easy thing to do, and it might be a mutually agreed upon situation but it’s not responsible in the very definition of the term. You’re not taking on accountability for your actions or your situation in full. You might be helping shoulder the burden, but you’re still not completely responsible for yourself in the truest sense of the word. I don’t understand what’s so difficult about that to comprehend.
How on earth are “living with” and “taking care of” synonomous? You seem to believe that living with your parents requires them to treat you as if you’re forever 12 years old. Living arrangements like that do not have to be parent and child (and in your case, grandchild). Saying that’s why you left doesn’t make you responsible, it just makes you stubborn.
Why not? Why is living in a shitty apartment living paycheck to paycheck more responsible than living with your parents and sharing rent, utitlities, chores and child care.
I understand kids who need to move back home due to financial reasons. I lived with my dad for a year after my son was born because Ivylad was in the Navy stationed in San Diego and they wouldn’t move me out there because he wasn’t in school (he was on hold for a school.)
I do not, however, support adult children living at home out of laziness. My SIL and her husband moved in with my MIL after my FIL died. Supposedly it was because my MIL didn’t want to be alone. She is healthy (relatively) and has a social life. My SIL and her husband made some bad financial decisions, got stuck and ended up having to move in. They have no plans to move out.
Ivylad and my other SIL think it’s rather pathetic. They are enjoying a lifestyle they haven’t earned. I think in the long run it will hurt them, because they are not learning how to handle finances. It’s easy to buy things when you’re paying your mom $300 a month to live in a four bedroom/two bath house with a screened-in pool in an upscale neighborhood.
I fear when my MIL dies (may it be decades away) my SIL and her husband will be in for a rude awakening.
Ever think that the parents might like to have a life of their own also? We love it when our kids come back for Christmas, but we also love it when they leave. Parents will never say it, but we do get tired of a full house at times.
I moved out of my parents house as soon as I graduated college. 12 years later my mom still calls me every day (if not more than once a day) to nag me about something or pry into my personal life. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we were under the same roof.
If parents and children have such a good relationship that they can stand living with each other that long, good for them. Different things work for different people.
I’d say economics factor into it too. If the parents are well off and everyone gets along and likes the situation, why not stay in a nice big house with lots of amenities rather than renting some shabby apartment just for the bragging rights?
My youngest brother moved back home after living out of the house for about 12 years. My parents were already rather old, and my dad died a few years after my brother moved back. Not only did my brother pay rent, all the phone and electric, but he does EVERYTHING. He mows the huge yard, plows, takes care of all the buildings.
Since my dad died he has even fixed up all the outer buildings and barn, and really shaped up the place. My mother is 75 now, and hasn’t driven for years. So it works out great for our whole family.
My brother will be 40 next year. He is single, and has never married.
I have abosoulutely no problem with his choices at all, but a few other siblings get bent out of shape about the whole deal. He doesn’t pay rent anymore, but pays for all the utilities, and groceries. My mother’s tiny little SSI check probably wouldn’t have covered even that. And she loves that she is in the same house she has been in for over 50 years.
BTW, he has always held a full-time job. In fact he has only had 2 jobs since he was 16, and was made foreman at his current job after just a couple years. It took most of the guys 10 or 20 years to be foreman.
He probably has more money than the rest of us, since he has no family or house payment, but again. He works hard for my mom.
I do not think he is a loser at all.
Also, he will probably inherit the family farm, which we found out recently is worth over half a million dollars, so he is probably crazy like a fox!
Any single full time worker with no dependents ought to easily be able to pay their own way and save money if they actually have a goal of doing so, and don’t have unrealistic expectations of their living standards. Any income a young single worker is living on, there’s undoubtedly a single parent somewhere supporting themselves AND a kid on the same money.
If you feel you need a new car, owning your own home and a plasma telly to be “financially independent”…well, not so much then.
Any full-time worker? Even someone who’s making minimum wage or slightly above? In any region? I don’t think so. Not around here, anyway.
However, that’s what roommates are for.
I think it’s a situational matter. For example, my 40 year old brother lives with mom, in a 2 bedroom condo, with his son. He moved in with her “for a couple of months” right after his divorce. 6 years later he doesn’t pay rent, groceries, or anything else. He’s managed to hold a part time job for about 6 months during this time. Prior to that his primary career was phone sales with a healthy dope business on the side. Supposedly he’s saving to get an apartment, though I’ve pointed out time and again that in order to save, one must have income. . .
Now he won’t move out, and uses his kid as a hostage (If you make me move out you’ll never see your grandson again!!!) The sad thing is, of the two parent’s he’s the MOST responsible of the two. I try to stay uninvolved, mainly because he disgusts me. His kid is only 6 now, but one day he’s gonna wake up and discover that his dad is full of shit and worthless, and I feel bad for my nephew.
On the other hand my kids are 21 and 22 and live at home rent free. The only requirements we have is that they give a general idea of where they’ll be and when they’ll be back, keep thier rooms tidy and pitch in around the house when we ask, and get passing grades in school. The arrangement works fine for us right now, but both kids understand that once they graduate college they’ll be living on borrowed time in terms of living space. We’re willing to support them, but won’t put up with unemployed losers sitting around the house. I have enough trouble paying for my own vacations, I’m not about to finance one for the kids.
I own (with the girlfriend) a house, and I’ve lived by myself (well, with roommates, actually) since I went off to college.
On the surface, I’d look somewhat askance at a 30-year-old who lived with his/her parents, but I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with it.
Because that is our culture. Our ancestors came here with nothing, worked their asses off, and saved and suffered. Why did they do that? So that their kids could have a better life. Not so that their kids could hang out in their dens using their computers into their 40s.
Leave home. Go west, young man. This is our story. This is America. And it’s our cultural imperative to repeat that in miniature with each generation.
I’m know I’m talking like a nut here, but this is what I’ve truly come to believe.