At least some people, her parents, are trying to keep the marriage from falling apart.
It sounds like it is exploding.
In this economic age, many companies are really turning the screws on their employees, treating them very poorly. It sounds like your husband is getting sh*t on. If you have done everything you can to make it easy for him to support you (pack his lunch etc) and he is still very bent most of the time, he needs to quit.
But you guys have gone down this road too far to just be OK if he quits. Counselling is needed.
I think the biggest advantage of getting a job is that it would make her feel less panicky and dependent: right now, she can’t even tolerate him daydreaming because she’s so vulnerable, and I think she’s overreacting to any sign of selfishness on his part because if he turns out to be selfish, she’s so, so screwed. A lot of that pressure would go away if she had a good job.
On other other hand, I would worry that if he doesn’t appreciate what she is doing for the household now, he won’t appreciate it after she gets a job, either, so he will expect her to keep doing everything she is doing and work, too. I"ve known more than a few couples where the man comes home and is off work, and the woman comes home and worries about dinner, shopping, and childcare, and chores; if the man does stuff, they both see it as him “helping”–the social convention that that stuff is the woman’s job runs pretty deep. Obviously, this is far from inevitable, but I think it’s a risk especially for a couple that already has deep communication issues.
I think you need to seek out a trained marriage counselor and not a bunch of strangers on the internet. I see room for compromise for both of you on the job issue, but that’s really only a symptom of the problems you’re having with your husband. If you both want the marriage to last, please see a counselor. Go by yourself if he won’t go with you.
Yikes! Your parents have no business interfering in your marriage for one thing. Your husband also has no business calling you names.
You both seem to have perceptions of each other that are inaccurate and hurtful and you’re both assuming the worst of each other. No, he probably doesn’t know what you do. You also don’t know what kind of fresh hell he may enter each day he goes to work.
My advice would be find a third party to talk to. Even if he refuses, you probably need some advice yourself.
You also need to talk to your husband about what he wants to do. You shouldn’t blow off his ideas - encourage him to do what he dreams of doing and, if he’ll let you, help him put together a plan to achieve it. I can tell you from firsthand experience (not with my current husband, but with other family members), it hurts so much to get really excited about something only to have someone you love say, “Nope. Not gonna work. Sorry.”
One of you will have to work in the interim, probably your husband because his income will be higher than yours if you’ve never worked. Maybe he should find a new job or pursue his dreams on the weekend. You should also start looking for work. Not only may this help your husband not see you as a non-contributing member, it gives you more options. For example, if he loses his job or looks for a new one, you still have income. If your marriage does tank, you may find yourself supporting your kids, so you need to be prepared to do so.
If you don’t work with your husband as opposed to shooting him down, you’re not doing either of you any favors. You also need to get your parents the hell out of your marriage. Parents should not “intervene” when you’re having a fight unless one of you is in danger from the other. You’re both adults in an adult relationship.
I’ve seen situations like this arise quite often in young married couples with kids. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my almost 12 years of marriage, it’s that it’s very easy to think you’re the one who’s doing everything and making all the sacrifices. Every once in a while I get in that mindset and have to remind myself of all the things my husband does, too. I’m a relatively new parent, but I’ve also learned that men and women view their parenting roles differently. As mothers, we’re the ones who feel like we’re responsible for our kids 24/7. When I’m not working, my daughter is always with me. I don’t mind sacrificing potential job opportunities because my current one allows me to spend more time with my daughter. We’re more likely to give up our other interests because we believe that’s what’s best for our children, but for some that can border on martyrdom. Men are more likely to see themselves as the provider. If they feel like they’re not providing enough, it makes them feel inadequate. Men are also more likely to struggle with the loss of their freedom, and when they feel that their freedom is threatened, they fight back. I, for example, can’t understand why my husband can’t give up his pool league one night a week for the two of us. He feels like he deserves the break. I, in turn, ask when I get my break (um, yeah…never). So, I’ve rambled on now and made this much longer than it needed to be. Basically I just wanted to encourage you both to look at the situation from the other’s perspective. A marriage counselor may be needed to help you do that if things have gotten as bad as you say. And for goodness sakes, stop letting your parents get involved. Your husband is probably already feeling claustrophobic and inadequate because you are living with them, having them come between you in an argument is just going to pour salt in the wound. As for working, there are definitely options out there—daycare assistance if you qualify, having family pitch in to watch the kids while you work, working part-time in the evenings or on weekends when your husband is home, watching other kids in your home. And there I’ve rambled on some more. I really hope you can work things out.
ETA: I don’t want to sound like I’m defending your husband here. He definitely sounds like he has done his share of damage to the marriage. Name-calling is completely unacceptable and needs to stop immediately. There is no excuse for that.
She could also consider doing something to support his business, whether that’s assisting in an administrative capacity or doing some light research for him. That could add some skills to her resume, too.
What would you do if your husband left you or died tomorrow? Whatever it is that you would want, or would have to do, you should be willing and ready to do while he is still around. Economic necessity has a way of humbling people, but you should try to bring that same humility and clarity to your marriage BEFORE it crumbles. Please realize divorce will just make everything more difficult and expensive. If that’s the best option, that’s fine. But you need to earn your way out of your marriage first. Don’t just give up.
I noticed you said you didn’t want him to quit his job. That’s fine, as you are entitled to your opinions, and have raised reasonable concerns. But, what solutions have you offered him besides suck it up? Have you tried to work with him to solve the root problem in a way that addresses his concerns? Because the results are pretty clear that plenty of parents will leave when the going gets tough. Don’t count on him responding positively to ultimatums out of a sense of honor or responsibility.
The issue also seems to revolve around practical concerns like money for you. Again, that is a valid concern, but addressing them in the abstract is not going to be helpful or instructive to either of you. You need to sit down and note your expenses, predicted future expenses, etc. Child care costs money, but exactly how much money? How much would you make if you got a job? How much would private heath insurance cost? How much would business startup costs be? You need to address a resource allocation problem as a resource allocation problem, not an emotional power struggle. Sit down and work the numbers together. Then you can both make a clearer decision with an idea of the actual sacrifices you will have to make.
Either way, you should both sit down and try to remember why you married one another. Assuming there is a semblance of that stuff still there, you can probably work through this with some time and hard work.
Aslo, your parents need to fuck off, and YOU need to tell them that in no unclear terms.
Selfish is one thing, but I would never dream of calling my wife stupid. First and foremost because she isn’t stupid, but also because it’s an exceptionally shitty and insulting thing to say to someone you ostensibly love, and is a sign of contempt. It would signal severe, potentially fatal trouble for our marriage if one of us said that to the other and meant it.
Hope your mileage varies.
I see you taking no ownership of the problems in your marriage whatsoever. You’re putting it all on him. But he didn’t make a family of four, alone. And while being a stay at home Mom, might not be adventurous or stimulating or your dream job, that doesn’t mean it equates to him working years at a job he hates.
You left several very important questions unanswered. How old are you? Two young children, living with your parents, you’re both 21 yrs old, is a different kettle of fish entirely than two young kids, you’re both in your mid thirties. Did you have a plan, when you started your family? Did it include him working while you stayed home? Did it include living with your parents, (who feel it’s okay to take sides)? How old are your children? Do your parents participate in caring for your children, at all, throughout the day, now? Could they, if you got a job?
You basically expect him to suck it up and keep working, a job that is killing his soul, because it keeps you from working and comes with great benefits, from the sound of your OP. Raising children, while demanding, is enormously rewarding work. It’s kind of harsh to be so unfeeling about how empty he finds his work. Maybe a little heartless even.
He is emotionally distant and unable to talk to you because your harshness and lack of understanding for his sacrifice is making him deeply bitter and angry. (‘I sacrifice too.’ is not an acknowledgment of his contribution.) He knows things have to change, you don’t seem to want that. He needs a partner helping him to carry the financial load. You won’t do that, nor will you be supportive of his desire to change his work for the better. You seem utterly indifferent to the toll it’s taking on him and resistant to his ideas to create change, while having none of your own.
So, based on all of the above. I vote, “Hell yes!”, your marriage is about to explode!
Yeah…probably, if no corrective action is taken.
I can’t really imagine anything more soul crushing than being forced to work a job that makes you miserable because you feel you “have to” in order to support your SO / kids. Because every argument or every time one of the kids acts like a jerk (as kids tend to do) in the back of your mind will be “I could have been doing ____ if it wasn’t for this fucking bitch / stupid kid.” Given what you described, it’s easy to see how both of you might be projecting a lot of anger and frustration on each other.
You indicated a number of specific goals for the two of you:
Move out of your parents house
Get back into your art
Find a job
Start a business
Have you two put together a plan for when you can actually achieve these things, how much they will cost, how much money they will generate and what steps you need to get them done?
What they said. Yeah, your marriage is about to explode. The fuse is lit, and the clock is ticking.
I wish both of you the best of luck with working out the issues that are bothering you.
Parents intervening: Horrible if they were living by themselves. When they are arguing in the parents’ house, not so surprising. Maybe wrong, but not the same as popping in to interfere.
Working a horrible job screws up your entire outlook. I can see him wanting to get out any way possible. Is the new business something he is passionate about, or is it something to help him get out? If so, how about him looking for a job he won’t hate? If he does want to do it, I agree with the advice about setting up a business plan and doing research.
If he is making so much money, why are you living at your parents’? I hope you have savings. Starting a business takes money and it also takes quite a while to be self-supporting, if it ever is.
Getting a job is probably a good idea. Unless you live in Canada, you need to worry about health insurance, especially with two young kids.
As for the insults, I hope you told him they are unacceptable and I hope he apologized. Stress does terrible things to people.
Yeah, try experiencing it regularly for 22 years and then we’ll talk.
I’m going to reserve my opinion until I know whether or not the OP is a quad.
It’s definitely abusive if it isn’t true. Just substitute six years for 22, is all.
I think that counseling is really important in this situation. Also, you getting a job would help support the family and take some of the load off of your husband. I’d be very cautious of starting an undefined business in this economic climate. A business requires written planning and experience. He sounds like he is under a lot of pressure from work, and having his resume in order and knowing where to look for other work may help him out.
Your parents were out of line in interfering, and they probably know that already, but they have to stay out of disagreements and stresses in the marriage. They want to help. They can help by helping with the children when they can, which is a bit easier in the same house.
Best wishes.
I think the mileage here is limited. The OP is very stubborn and she wants what she wants. While she expresses she wants to be sympathetic I do not get the sense there is a shred of real compromise in her re his desire to do something else. All I sense is raw panic that her domestic situation and health insurance deal will be upturned.
Her SO may or many not be a jackass with pie in the sky dreams, but she seems utterly oblivious (almost deliberately so) to his perspective. She’s not even pretending to humor him, it’s her way or the highway, and eventually he will find his way to the highway.
Stupid is just not something you call your SO, though. It’s just…obnoxious.
Calling your spouse stupid is showing contempt and disrespect for your spouse, and both of those are marriage busters.