My husband and I have been married for six years, together for eight, and we have two very young children. He has always taken great care of us, financially, and isn’t afraid to work hard. I have always known that my husband isn’t incredibly free with his emotions, but he does tell me that he loves me, daily.
When we argue, it always seems to result in him calling me stupid, selfish or unsupportive. I don’t believe I’m any of these things. Our most recent issue is that he has decided-- out of the blue-- that he wants to quite his job immediately and start his own business. I am a stay-at-home mom and I know he hates his job, but it sort of frightens me that he has suddenly become sort of… irrational. I feel like our future as a family is uncertain.
As far as I have understood it, becoming a parent means you have to put some of your dreams on the back burner and focus on your family. My husband said it’s bullsh*t and harped on me for not going out and getting a job. He makes very decent money right now and we have great health/dental/vision insurance (which is a plus since one of our kids wears glasses) and if I go out and get a job, guess what i would pay for? Childcare!
I love my husband and I don’t want him to be unhappy. I want him to realize his dream of becoming a business owner and working for himself. But not right now. Certainly not in this economy, without having done any research or planning or while we’re living under my parents’ roof under the stipulation that we save money to get our own place to live! We practically came to the point of splitting up on Thursday because neither of us would back down. If one of us got what we wanted the other wouldn’t stay.
My parents intervened (this is a problem, I know) and he started looking for other jobs, but we haven’t really talked about it much which is why, I suspect, we have been somewhat at peace the last couple of days. Also, he is working out of town, which helps.
But, seriously. He thinks I’m doing what I want to be doing. Always. Really? You think being a stay-at-home mom is my DREAM job? I have artistic aspirations that I have put on hold for my kids. Because I have to. Because I love them and acknowledge that my dreams are of little consequence when compared with my children’s needs.
Also, as a side note, I feel like my husband doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him or the kids. Not one iota. Getting him to go out with me once in a while just to spend time alone together is a struggle, and conversation? Like pulling teeth. I’ve been trying to show him compassion and sympathy for the misery he is feeling, but it changes nothing. I have suggested he see someone about his feelings, and he said he would think about it.
Sometimes I feel like our marriage is tottering between being “just okay” and being in a freefall. It’s making me anxious and sad. And angry.
What am I doing wrong? What can I do? I don’t even know what I have to work with anymore.