Is my widower status scaring off dates?

In My Humble Opinion
41

It’s the right place for it if you feel it’s the right place for it. You need to express your feelings about your marriage and your wife in the right way for you, and then find someone for whom that is comfortable enough.

There are no absolutes here. This isn’t something where you will never find anyone because all women are terrified of being compared to your late wife, nor is it a situation where no woman would ever be bothered by it. Some will be bothered. Some will be bothered a little and some a lot. Some can get over their fears and some can’t. Some would be worth it and some wouldn’t. Some would find you worth it and some wouldn’t.

Just try to treat your feelings AND the feelings of those you’d like to date with respect. And even recognize that if you were going to date a woman who was married before, you might find yourself feeling that same uneasiness about their relationship, however it ended. We all have our insecurities.

42

I’ll just throw in a slight curve ball, maybe the “widower” status and the fact that you haven’t bundled every single memory of your wife into a box in the attic out of sight, is scaring off exactly the kind of women you want to filter out anyway.

43

Widow lady here, and successful internet dater, now living with my (thrice divorced) fella for 8 years. And yes, I met him on line and yes, my status was widowed. Can’t handle a dead person-move right along. The first-ish line of my profile said (paraphrasing) “I live in XX and was widowed 3 years ago.” Then the usual long walks on the beach bullshit. JOKE. I mean that was all the reference I made to it.

Here is how I think of it, ad what I tell newer wids and -ers. You know the old saying “no matter how hot he/she is, someone somewhere got tired of his/her shit, and that’s why they’re single?” Not us. We got left and in most cases our partners were pretty unhappy about it, SOS not included. We’re fucking PRIZES! We can maintain a relationship. We typically have homes and all the “things” that come with making a home.

Include your widowed status. The right woman will respect it.

44

As a widow who did online dating and has since remarried, I think you are better off being honest and listing your status as “widower.”

The great Sun Jester, I’m going to guess you’ve never lost a spouse. It isn’t weird to keep pictures or ashes. I can’t imagine storing or getting rid of everything that had to do with my late husband, even though I am remarried. Luckily, my husband is a wonderfull, understanding man.

45

Well, I’m sure my first husband was tired of my shit sometimes. It was a good marriage, but I sure am not a prize.

46

Agreed. At late 40’s or over, it should be pretty bloody obvious that the person has a past. They’re not a clean slate and anyone who expects them to be is obviously a dickhead. They’ll come with baggage, memories and feelings.

The thing is, there’s still plenty of the slate left to write a future on, you don’t need to start by trying to wipe out the past.

47

Depends. How many of your former wives died of accidental gunshot?

48

I don’t know why someone would be scared off by your status. I wouldn’t be.

My boyfriend has a large photograph of himself, his ex-wife and son hanging from his wall. It was taken during one of their vacations. I would never dream of asking him to take it down. I love his son and I am friends with his ex. It is hanging on the way down to the family room, so I see it every time I’m over. Would I like a picture of us somewhere in his house? Sure, I would. But they are his walls, not mine, and I don’t feel that I can suggest what goes up where.

49

As mentioned above, “widower” conveys that you have experience in a committed relationship. It also shows you aren’t single because you’re intolerable. And your deceased spouse is a part of your life. You want someone who understands that.

50

I few comments:

I might have missed the time period that you’ve been widowed for, but if it’s been anything like 2-3 years or more. Make sure you mention the time frame as soon as the word “widowed” leaves your mouth.

Many people have never dealt with a dating widow - and don’t know how to handle it. Someone very close to me - when I asked her why she and “Bob” never worked out - he seemed so nice. She said that she wasn’t sure, but that bobs girlfriend had died when they were dating and she felt like she was being put up on a pedestal.

I’ve seen (I think we all have), people that look upon dead people as saints. Of course I don’t want to pick on your dead wife, but I’d make it clear to a prospective date that finds out - that she was a normal woman. If you talk like she can do now wrong - or anything like that - it would scare me off. I’m looking at this from meeting a woman.

Now I agree with one of the above posters - I’d actually rather have widowed vs divorced. I used to put single up there as #1, Widowed #2, and divorced #3.

It wouldn’t bother me in the least if a woman kept an urn of her dead husband. I would never dream of asking her to throw it away, but lots of people have trouble with death - even cremation. My mom died last year and donated her body to science - and the fact that she didn’t really have a final resting place seemed to bother some people - I’m pretty open minded - so I encouraged them to talk about it - and it didn’t offend me. But just the idea of cremation is weird to some people. I think it reminds them of their own mortality.

I can’t imagine asking someone when they planned on getting rid of their dead wife’s urn.

I think a lot would depend on the attitude you have about it. Is it “Mary, god rest her soul, she could never do anything wrong” or “Mary, we had some good times, and bad times like any other marriage - and I’m ready to move on with the rest of my life - don’t be shy - if your curious about anything - feel free to ask - it happened a while ago - I promise I’ll be ok”

Say stuff with some humor - although that is a fine line. I started getting enjoyment out of things like the woman who called slightly irritated that my mom missed her doctors appointment (which my mom never would do) and I let her go on about how important it was and they normally required 24/48 hours notice and just gently replied - almost humorously - “well I am sure she would have called, but being that she’s dead now and all - that makes it more difficult - I’m very sorry she inconvenienced you”. I said it somewhat with a joking matter, but some people didn’t seem to appreciate stuff like that.

Anyway - sorry to go off on a tangent there.

I think as long as you aren’t holding her up on a pedestal - you’ll find many women that will be happy to date you over someone with live baggage any day. Make it clear:

She won’t be competing with a saint
You are ready to move on

Some people probably just don’t know what to say. But at least your the marrying type - and your marriage didn’t “fail”.

If there is a space for widower – I would check that - and also write a short note saying. “I was going to put single, as that is what I consider myself, but I noticed an option for widower - so I just wanted to be up front - technically I am, but it happened X years ago and I really feel like I’m just like any other single guy out there.”

Or something better written than that.

People often say stuff like “Oh - and if the person has a problem with it - you are better off with out them.” In many cases - this is just said to be nice, but in this case I really think it is true.

Also - women (and men) sometimes are almost LOOKING for a reason for something to fail - so this might get mentioned to a mutual friend as part of the reason - when it could be something else completely.

51

The one thing that would be “ungrabbable” to me is the urn, but only because it’s not part of my culture to keep them. The pic? I’d be worried if a man who’s widowed, divorced or simply has a dating history didn’t have any pics of the previous ladies around. It would be like the difference between visiting a house people have cleaned up and one that’s obviously staged: I’d be wondering what is it he’s hiding.

52

My widowed mother married a widower who’s a painter. There’s a giant nude painting that I’m pretty sure is his deceased wife in the guest room. Doesn’t both any of us that I know of.

53

I was a widower who found my current wife online. I don’t know if it turned people off from contacting me; but it could have. I didn’t think that women generally looked for men online as much as let themselves be contacted.

I don’t get the idea behind men saying they’re widowers. Won’t that get found out soon enough? In my case, in my profile I wrote a bio that basically said I was not looking to get into a romantic relationship; but wanted to meet an adult of the opposite sex to spend time with. In other words companionship; and if it developed into something else… great. In my case I had a photograph of my wife in my home, but I still had kids living there too. If a woman I’ve just met feels like she’s in competition with my dead wife; then she’s not a person I’m going to be interested in. Furthermore this is still my children’s mother; and deserves a little honor just for their sake. Once my kids were old enough and moved out, the pictures came down.

I think one thing that could be attractive about dating a widow or widower would possibly be a little less baggage to deal with. No exes causing problems.

54

Based on this sentence…

…I don’t really understand why you think it’s better to wait to tell someone, rather than just letting folks know up front and not tangling with anyone who has a problem with it.

55

It depends. It helps to be wealthy, especially if you are not good looking.

Just ask Shemp:

http://youtu.be/qoaiC8u_Hx8

56

Funniest thread title in quite a while :smiley: To a woman who’s attracted to you, all that matters is you’re single and available That assumes you have either money or good looks, or both.

57

I guess I wasn’t very clear; but I didn’t hide anything, nor did I wait to tell anyone. My online bio was clear that I was a widower, and had children still in middle, high school. Furthermore I made it clear that I was seeking companionship, and no I didn’t mean sexually. I had no interest in giving someone a false impression. BTW, this was CatholicSingles.com

58

Apologies if I misunderstood you. I took your line, “I don’t get the idea behind men saying they’re widowers” to mean you thought people should keep that to themselves.

59

Been there, done that.

I listed my status as “Single” (I’m not sure eHarmony had “widowered” as an option), but made it fairly clear in my profile that I was a widower. I’m sure that scared some people off. No harm, no foul; better that they know up front instead of freaking out later.

Any single person of a certain age is going to have baggage.

Never married: what’s wrong with you?
Divorced: what did you do to screw up your marriage?
Widowed: you’re obviously not over her.

So you’re screwed regardless.

(Happy ending, though…I met my new wife online.)

60

Surely the person’s mere presence on a dating site means “available”? With the exception of sites created for that sort of thing, I suppose. I wonder why scammers would identify as widowers.