I agree with those who are saying that “sorry, no” very well may be perceived as impolite in context, particularly when the request is one that in ordinary social circumstances is usually not denied.
“I’m sorry, could you please tell me what time it is?”
“Could I borrow your pen for a second?”
In a supermarket, when a cart is blocking the path: “Could I just squeeze by you? I need to get to that aisle.”
In a coffee shop, where it’s customary for large numbers of people to sit for lengthy periods working on their laptops: “Could you just watch my computer while I go up and get a coffee/use the restroom?”
Situations like these call for more than a “no, sorry,” because the societal presumption is that you’ll say “yes.”
It seems like the real issue here is that people want to say whatever they want as long as they are not breaking any written rules of conduct, but then complain when their actions lead to perfectable predictable and perfectly preventable consequences.
I posted this in the thread that inspired this thread:
If I am at home, I don’t plop down on a chair for hours on end. I’ll got outside 2 or 3 times an hour for 5 to 10 minutes. Pretty much every hour I am home and awake.
So, I am often out front watching the birds, squirrels, airplanes, clouds, approaching thunderstorms, sunrises, sunsets, the stars, satellites, people walking their dogs, people running, walking, driving by blah blah blah.
I “know” a bunch of my distant neighbors only in the fact I see them going by. I wave, they nod or wave and its all good. The old fart in the red Toyota. That teenage boy in the heavily modified junker. That preacher down the street and his wife in the Lincoln town car. Some are more friendly than others, but we generally acknowledge each others existence with a wave, a nod, or a smile.
Then there are the people walking or running by. I’ll say hi or wave and if it seems they want to engage in some friendly chatting I am happy to do it. If not, a nod or something is perfectly okay by me and off they continue.
Except for one guy and his wife who walk by every day. They won’t even acknowledge my very existence. No eye contact. Nothing. This has been going on for years. Technically they don’t have to.
But guess what? If I see him broke down alongside the road how friendly and helpful do you think I’m going to be feeling?
Part of the reason it seems hostile is that the person asking the question wants to give the dog a bit of attention and they’ve made the effort to initiate a short (or maybe not) conversation with the dog owner. As a response “Sorry, no” isn’t impolite but it’s the bare minimum required to avoid impoliteness according to the “rules”. Doing the minimum seems unfriendly, and unfriendliness in response to friendliness can certainly appear impolite.
But how do I know what the usual response for this particular dog is?
And of I’m using my own data set, that would mean extrapolating from the three times in my life when I’ve asked somebody if I could pet their dog, then applying that to the population at large.
If somebody answered “sorry, no”, I would assume it was not a friendly dog and I’d probably back away slowly.
Thats why ASKING for an explaination is rude. But thats not what we are talking about here.
Not GIVING one when giving one makes everybody feel better about the social interaction rather than worse is what makes not giving one less than nice. And its undoubtably nicer to give one than not give one (barring odd scenarios that someone here will surely come up with).
But I shouldn’t CARE what other people think or how they take what I say! Thats on them!
Okay, fine then Just admit you don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings then. Or how many of them will percieve you. But please don’t try to hide behind some Vulcan logic or technical adherence to the bare bones rules of “manners”. to make yourself look nicer/politer than you are being.
As others have pointed out, there are many, many social situations that are like this.
It applies pretty well every time someone ought to be polite by doing something that isn’t an actual binding obligation. Not doing it is impolite, and asking someone to do it is usually also impolite.
I don’t see a clear cut call on this yet concerning whether or not it is impolite. But I do tend to agree that in the context of someone having a not outrageous expectation of “Yes” as an answer, providing some explanation is a good idea. Especially since a simple explanation requires so little effort. It’s easy to say “Sorry, no, he bites”. If you think they’re the “Oh! Dogs love me” type, then just say “Sorry, no, he has rabies”
Also, even if **billfish678 **is one of those I seem to be agreeing with, I still don’t agree with him ;D
Good point. Except that it doesn’t matter if you are really sorry. A stranger asking you a question has no reasonable expectation to receive a truthful answer. It is not immoral to lie in a response in that circumstance. It’s not really a lie either in the case of “Sorry” because that is simply a figure of polite speech and doesn’t connote a sincere emotion. Saying “He bites” may not be true, but strangers aren’t entitled to information about your dog anyway, so you can tell them whatever you want, and at least according to some, the explanation is also a figure of polite speech.
