I don’t think it’s rude in itself. It may bring the asker up short, certainly, as many people seem to feel entitled to whatever they want as long as they tack a “please” onto what is really a demand rather than a request. But that doesn’t make the answer rude, it makes the attitude of the asker rude. Frankly I’m fine with giving them a reminder (and occasionally being reminded myself) that just because I want it, doesn’t make it so.
Additionally, attempting to soften it with a reason/excuse just gives the other person a means to argue why said reason doesn’t apply to them. Especially with a stranger, I don’t have the time or patience for that noise. A simple “No,” full stop, can’t be argued with.
Example: I recently had some kid show up at my doorstep to try to sell me magazines. We (supposedly) have a secure building, so I opened the door only because I assumed that he was maintenance or otherwise had a legit reason to be there. (No idea how he got in.) So, trying to be polite, I first told him (truthfully) that we were about to leave. He says this won’t take long. (Lie, but you see what he’s doing. My reason doesn’t apply to him.) He launches into a lengthy, irrelevant spiel about how he’s a poor kid from the South Side trying to make good, I’m wondering what this has to do with the building/my apartment/me, and it takes five minutes just to find out what the fuck he wants. Finally he says he’s selling magazines, I say I can’t afford any, he comes back with “but some of them are really cheap! Like only 2 dollars!” At that point I snapped at him and said “I SAID I have no disposable income. And that is exactly what I meant.”
Lesson: “Sorry, no,” would have saved me about ten minutes of wasting his time and mine, because I was never going to buy a magazine subscription that I didn’t want and can’t afford. Being “polite” only gave him a reason to try to argue with me.
I disagree. If your feelings are hurt because a stranger does not choose to share their rationale with you, you need to grow a thicker skin. It is not something you are entitled to.
I’d it “nice” to give a explanatory answer, that depends, but it is not rude not to. People have their reasons for things, and they are THEIR reasons, to share, or not.
I think most people would agree a simple “sorry,no” or some variation of that is appropriate for people trying to suck up your free time, goodwill , or hard earned money, particularly if they are strangers or known “users” doing so.
But that doesn’t inherently make “sorry, no” applicable to most or all situations.
Claiming you use “sorry, no” to prempt any possibility of “but why’s?” and a five minute debate IMO is just weak. Seriously, do the majority of the people you run across pull that? How about just being nice to the nice people that are satisfied with a one sentence explaination (even if its a white lie) and save the rude hammer for the “they can’t take no for an answer crowd”.
Who said entitled? And again, the fact you are NOT entitled to an answer is why it is generally rude to ASK for the reason. But that doesn’t have anything to do with providing or not providing a reason.
And as for a thicker skin I don’t get butthurt when someone says “sorry, no”. But they sure aren’t getting any good karma points with me (and its gonna bite THEM in the ass latter if they need my help). Also, I generally go with something more than a “sorry, no” when I am interacting with other people. And that doesn’t have much to do with me as much as it does being NICE to somebody else when all it cost me are a few words.
This “sorry,no” thing is like the social equivalent of asking “is it wrong to skate through school making nothing but C grades”?
I use “Sorry, no,” for people I know, too, and presumably I owe people I have relationships with more than total strangers.
As for your other question, I don’t run into strangers much these days, and if I do it’s work-related, and they’re giving me money in exchange for me doing stuff for them, so I’m not going to tell them no. The majority of strangers I run across in non-work contexts don’t interact with me at all. On the other hand, those that ask me for something out-of-bounds (that is, something I will say no too), to tend to be those who will try to argue me into acquiescing, yes. Does it happen often? Of course not. By and large strangers don’t even talk to me, nevermind asking for something I can’t/won’t give. Presumably most people are polite enough not to ask in the first place. Of those that do, I have no obligation to get drawn into a lengthy “why not” discussion with them, and “sorry, no” is a perfectly polite response. “Fuck off!” would be rude. But no one is entitled to an explanation why a total stranger won’t give you something. If you feel affronted for being reminded that you have no entitlement there, I’d say the problem lies with you.
In the context of asking to pet a dog, If I asked, and the dog owner said no, I’d presume nothing more than the guy was looking out for the best interests of his dog. I happen to be aware of the fact that not all dogs like strangers, and I don’t find this particularly rude or offensive. In fact my response would probably be along the lines of, “Okay. Well, he’s a beautiful dog, thanks anyway.” More to the point, I typically don’t even ask because it’s not my dog. I’ll walk by and perhaps comment that it’s a gorgeous dog, make “good dog” noises at it, but usually don’t stop, and won’t touch the dog unless it touches me first.
As an Aspie, I’ll note that many of us are VERY hung up on ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
Having elaborate, formal protocols is simple for us to figure out.
‘Winging’ etiquette is very, very tricky for us.
The idea that you’re owed an explanation smacks of entitlement issues, and further implies that you somehow have an obligation to provide the ask-er with whatever it is that they want. I don’t owe you anything. I don’t owe your kid pets of my dog, and I don’t owe you an explanation of why.
Even if say 60 percent say it’s not technically rude to do X and 40 percent say it is, go with the 40 percent. Its not like going the extra mile is actually going to piss off the 60 percent of the population, but not going the extra mile certainly is going to piss off the 40 percent.
No-one is “entitled” or “owed” anything. You do not “owe” a stranger (or anyone) politeness, or indeed anything. Rather, you “owe” it to yourself not to come across badly to others. If that is of no concern to you, then it isn’t.
True. It’s potentially the difference between someone walking away thinking (and potentially saying to others):
“I asked that guy if I could pet his dog and he said no, but he wasn’t rude about it. Apparently it’s not good around strangers.”
and
“I asked that guy if I could pet his dog, and he refused. Was kind of a dick about it.”
It’s entirely up to you whether you care about that difference. The law’s on your side; grunt away.
The major points have been made - rude mostly because it is a request that is almost invariably granted and denied for no apparent reason; without explanation the denial seems capricious and mean-spirited. Heck as a dog owner I am happy when others have the common sense to ask before petting a dog they do not know.
The other point already made that deserves emphasis is that the purpose of the request often contains a sub-text: “I am initiating a friendly social interaction with you by way of your pet.” Responding in a manner that does not acknowledge that friendly social intent is experienced by the sender as a rejection of the social interaction request. You may want to not have any friendly social interaction right then, even be feeling a bit antisocial, maybe are always antisocial, but you should be both aware that going in public with a pet tends to invite those brief casual social interactions and be aware that rejecting such a request will offend some unless phrased … politely.
Yes, your call if offending others matters to you or not.
Because whatever you do you can do in a way that makes you dickish. Politeness is not about what you do but how you do it.
Being polite is not equivalent to “doing the bare minimum that I am obligated to do.” the underlying rationale for any standard of politeness is “ensuring that whatever you feel you need to do that you do it in such a way as to minimize hurt feelings.”
There are ways to be more polite that don’t involve explanations.
“Thanks for asking first! But not today, sorry” with a nice smile would be polite too.
What a person is “entitled” to is not to be made to feel they did something wrong, when they didn’t. An explanation or a kind way of talking is the social way of saying “it’s me, not you”. But if you’re not going to offer a reason, your tone and body language need to go the extra bit to show you’re not peeved they asked.
I’m not entitled to a “thank you” when I do something nice for someone. And yet, it would not be unreasonable for me to feel a little slighted if a “thank you” was not forthcoming.
Now it is within my control to either let it roll off my back.
But there is no sense in acting like the rules of etiquette operate are based on logic. Or that they even SHOULD be logical.