I kind of flummoxed that up. Sorry.
But you ARE entitled to a Thank You. That’s a well mannered response. Just like you are entitled to a “Sorry, no.” Not just a curt No. What you aren’t entitled to is to someone’s explanation for the no.
This is simply not the case. If we’re going to insist on using the word “entitled” here, what you are “entitled” to varies with the context. That’s how human interaction works. In some contexts, “sorry, no” is no different that “no.”
I’m really getting that “SDMB is where all the Aspergers Syndrome gathers on the internet” feeling right now.
You’re thinking of Wrongplanet. The SDMB is like the club… Wrongplanet is where the afterparty is held.
I tried to tell you guys 
I know, really. I roll my eyes every time a thread concerning basic human interaction like this comes up on the SDMB. Yes, there is no logical reason that “Sorry, no” should be construed as an impolite response. In fact, I personally am fine with that response, as I like to give people a wide berth, and realize some people are just not as socially clued-in as others and may not mean anything negative by it.
But, come on. Adding a couple of words of explanation, even if it’s just bullshit explanation, to make the other person not feel like a tool for asking doesn’t take much effort.
You ain’t kiddin’.
No.
No one is entitled to anything. Someone is perfectly free to view me holding the door for them as something trivial enough so as not to merit any acknowledgment, just like someone is perfectly free to withhold any explanation for why I can’t pet their dog. When everyone’s perfectly free to say what they want, there is no “entitlement”. There is no rationalization behind the resulting emotions either, since EVERYTHING is open to interpretation and no one can read anyone’s minds.
“Sorry, no” may mean just that, or it could mean, “You’re a nuisance. Get away.” That’s how I use it when I’m giving panhandlers the brush-off. In general, I don’t use the same words I would use with a nuisance as I would with someone who wants to show kindness towards me (or my pet). In other words, I use words that are appropriate for the context, since I don’t expect other people to be able to read my mind.
I guess you’re right, but I wish you hadn’t singled out AS. Maybe we should do a poll, because I’m not thinking this type of cluelessness is limited to people who have AS.
In fact some with diagnosed AS may have better understanding of this issue than do many so-called “neurotypicals”!
The AS thing is mostly a joke. I think you are right though. What we mostly have here are people who can’t be arsed to show more than the bare minimum of civility, are being told its not seen as particularly civil by a large fraction of the population, are probably mad that people see it that way, but are going keep acting that way because they are (in their minds) under a very technical and logical interpetation RIGHT DAMNIT and you can’t tell THEM what to do!
Funny thing is, the people they are probably hurting the most in the long run are themselves.
Its one thing to be clueless. God knows I pass through that country on a regular basis. Its another to be clueless, be given a dozen explainations of why X is bad, and still defend the behavior.
You are entitled to be treated respectfully. In American etiquette, that is accomplished with words like “sorry” and “thank you” and “I beg your pardon” and a whole slew of words and phrases that have been established.
What you are never entitled to in etiquette is personal information about someone else. If you ask someone to dinner, “Sorry, no” is an acceptable answer. In fact, its a preferable answer to “I’m washing my hair.” A formal decline to a wedding invitation is “Mr. and Mrs. Rosa regret that they will not be able to attend the wedding…” Or informally “Mr. Rosa and I will not be able to attend. However, we wish you every happiness in your new life together.” Not “Mr. and Mrs. Rosa already have an engagement that weekend.”
If the question is “is Sorry, no” an impolite answer" - no it isn’t. If the question is is “Sorry, no” perceived as an impolite answer - the answer is yes, often it is. But it is inappropriate to expect anything other than “sorry, no.”
And there is a reason for this. Etiquette developed at a time where lying was a big deal, and the truth is often not smart to reveal or falls under TMI. Frankly, I don’t want to know that the dog you took into a crowded event is skittish and might bite children. If that’s the case, the dog shouldn’t be here. I don’t care to know that your dinner engagement on Friday night is with that bimbo who slept with my ex-husband when we were married - I’d prefer to believe you cut her acquaintance for my sake (even if you didn’t). Today, we share far too much, and it leads to hurt feelings (and the expectation that people will share, and when they don’t, it leads to hurt feelings).
I certainly don’t have AS, by the way. But I do read etiquette books as a hobby and have somewhat old fashioned formal manners in real life. I grew up not saying “chicken breast” - its “white meat.” And never commenting on another persons possessions. You never talk religion or politics in a purely social or work setting. The harsher rules have lapsed - I tell people “cute purse” all the time now. But “no, sorry” is a perfectly acceptable response - the old rules may have lapsed and it may be ok to wear a ballcap indoors, but that doesn’t mean it that suddenly people are expected to compliment each other on personal possessions, thank you notes are forbidden, I should start a new acquaintance by finding out what political party they belong to, or I suddenly am required to tell you how my dog was acquired when you ask me if you can pet her.
The rules of common societal interaction are not found in etiquette books and have nothing to do with ridiculous trivia like avoiding the term “chicken breast.” It also has nothing to do with how some manual tells you to answer a formal invitation. This is simple face-to-face human interaction and the rules vary according to context.
Your etiquette book might say that it is acceptable to respond to “Can you tell me the time?” with “Sorry, no,” but in the real world, if you do that, you’re an asshole, because societal expectations aren’t based on that shit in the etiquette guide. The societal expectations are that if you have some kind of timepiece, you will oblige and give the time, and if you don’t, you are expected to offer some kind of context to explain your refusal.
Again, the word “obligation” is misplaced here. It’s not about what you are obliged to do. It has to do with acting like a human being for chrissake. “Sorry, no,” makes the guy asking for the time feel bad. “Sorry, no,” makes a little girl asking to pet a dog feel bad. If you have any interest in not being a jerk, your focus is not on what you are obligated to do, but to temper your refusal in such a way that other people don’t feel bad.
And, really, if that’s what you learned from all your formal training in etiquette, you’ve really wasted your time.
Actually, the point of etiquette is to always make your guest or company feel comfortable and welcome. That’s why it’s so formalized originally, so everyone knew the rules and it helped them navigate social interactions with confidence. But the point was to make the person you’re interacting with feel at ease.
ETA: “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
—Emily Post
Heck, even this guy gets it (link safe for work, watch the volume)
chicken breastississs.
If I ask my mother if she has time to talk and all she says, “Sorry, no”, I’m going to feel weird. Bad, strange, unloved, miffed, pick your word of choice. And check this! It’s not inappropriate to feel this way! A feeling is not right or wrong; it just is. A person can’t help a feeling. But you can help the impression you make.
Funny. I’ve never read a single etiquette book in my life, nor do I feel the need to do so. And no one has ever accused me of being rude–though I’d be the first to say am not the most socially graceful person in the world.
I might have to google to find out how to work a complex statistical problem. But not 1+3. Knowing when it is rude/not rude to use “Sorry, no” falls in the same realm of difficulty as 1+3. Formal rules of etiquette are not even in the goshdarn equation.
A winner post!
Whether you think that others who feel miffed by the brief answer have a right to feel that way or “should” is not what matters in terms of politeness. Politeness is avoiding behaviors that miff others just because you are sensitive to their feelings. Perhaps especially so when it does not make sense to you.
I don’t think it has anything to do with etiquette, if etiquette isn’t defined as general kindness and an attempt to make others feel valued.
Human interaction isn’t about the bare minimum you can get away with.
Which is why “Sorry, no” is acceptable. If I’m not comfortable telling you why, manners are not there to make me feel uncomfortable for your benefit.
And as everyone has said, there is the middle ground between giving your life story and being curt with an unexpected refusal. Demanding an explanation is rude. Offering a small answer as a social nicety is hardly burdensome and is polite.