Through means that need not concern you guys, we at Evil Inc. came into possession of the Blarney Stone a few years back, placing Jenny McCarthy’s head in its place.* After long study, the Practical Magic Division has reverse engineered the BS’s** enchantments; our warlocks have not only restored its magic to full strength, but are also able to produce the same effects with other stones. Here’s the sitch:
The Blarney Stone*** gives those who kiss it the gift of gab–that is, great eloquence or skill in flattery. Put another way, a person in possession of one of the stones will find his or her persuasive skill increased a thousandfold. This is accomplished not by controlling the mind of the person to whom the possessor is speaking, but rather by supercharging the thinking and perceptive powers of the owner. If you have a Stone and do the kissing ritual, you’ll be able to read an auditor’s body language, vocal cues, and so forth so accurately that you will be able to instantly make the proper adjustments to your arguments to achieve the desired effects. The ritual must be weekly or it will wear off.) Moreover, once you own and have used a Stone, your voice will change in subtle but extremely useful ways; its very cadence and register will become soothing, calming, seductive, almost hypotic. That doesn’t mean that everyone will be vulnerable to your blandishments: rather that you’ll become anyone from 10 to 100 times as persusive. It works much better in public than over television and radio, but even long-distance it has an effect on the weak-minded.
Anyway … here’s the sitch. Naturally EI would like to put the Blarney Stones on the market. But some people in the marketing department have philosophical problems with that idea; they’re not sure the Stones are actively evil, as there’s no brain-fucking or any other such thing going on, and the benevolent can use the stones as readily as the malevolent. We don’t wish to dilute our brand by selling non-damning products.
Thoughts?
*No, I am not claiming to have murdered Jenny McCarthy. The head grew back. She cannot die until Death itself does.
** Hey! I just now realized what else BS stands for!
*** Well, it’s stones at this point; we have 19 thus far.
Although they are not actively evil, possessing and using them will inevitably cause a drift towards evil. The speed at which the change happens will vary depending on the possessor, but power does corrupt and the power to influence others is a strong one.
I would like to humbly plead with you to not sell them to politicians. Don’t the people of the world suffer enough without actually believing in their politicians??
Sorry, Skald, I think you’re missing a bet, here. The most important part of this operation isn’t the Blarney Stone, and all that reverse-engineering work was unnecessary. You’ve got a line on a product that is unadulterated evil, with a low marginal cost, and the means to sell it.
The head of Jenny McCarthy.
Obviously, you managed to remove one head, since you swapped it for the original Stone. It grew back, so you’ve got a renewable source of JM heads. All you need to do is disguise the severed extremities as duplicated Blarney Stones, a technique you already worked out for the original substitution–I presume it involved inserting lead into the cranium, since the head is clearly empty and would thus be much too light to be credible. Then you have countless members of the public unwittingly kissing Jenny McCarthy every week, and paying you for the privilege. How evil is that?
What, you don’t think they’d sell, especially after people realize they don’t work? I remind you that Evil Inc’s marketing department now has access to the world’s entire supply of working Blarney Stones. They should be able to sell snowshoes to snakes.
Cutting off Jenny McCarthy’s head is not as simple, easy, or risk-free as you seem to think it is. We lost a lot of agents on that op. Admittedly they were assigned the duty because we wanted them dead in the first place, but it’s still hard to justify on a cost-benefit basis.
Getting AWAY with the decapitated head is even worse. Not only is it impossible to kill her until Death itself dies, but each time she comes back she is twice as powerful as the last time, with better boobs. The first time, I remind you, was when she was a simple starlet and not yet a vaccine activist.
There’s tons of employee theft. Employees who do not feel the urge to unjustly profit from the blood, sweat, & tears of others do not belong here. Moreover, the Security Department keeps in practice by finding and punishing employee thieves, so workers who never attempt theft are not contributing in a responsible fashion. If an employee goes an entire year without trying to steal something he is summarily fired and/or fed to the honey badgers.
