Surely this has happened to you. You’re at a party/event/new job location/whatever, and you see someone who kind of sticks out from the crowd. They’re not dressed differently, you can’t hear them, but you’re sure they’re not from around here. Then you meet them and you find out they really are from elsewhere, even a different continent/country.
Coincidence? Or is there something about their body language that tips you off?
Case in point: I was at a fairly large event downtown, one of those things people dress up for. It was a very mixed crowd, young and old, male and female, Black White Latino Oriental… I saw an interesting looking fellow and decided to meet him (I do this all the time, male or female, I just like to meet new people). Before we even spoke, I realised that the reason I thought he might be interesting is because I felt he wasn’t a local. Turns out to a visiting musician from South Africa.
I met a (now ex) GF that way, too. We were at a dance, and she just stood out in my eye. She was Dominican.
FTR, I don’t think non locals are inherently more interesting, but I do tend to ‘get a feeling’ that someone isn’t from here. Having been the non local person in many places myself, maybe I do try to be the friendly one to them… I don’t know.
So… is it just me? Am I reading subtle physical clues? Is it really happening or just coincidence?
Of course there is. Among other things, different cultures have different standards for eye contact, the distance you keep from other people, who you make physical contact with and how, etc. For an American, it’s kind of uncomfortable, for instance, to speak with a European you just met 5 minutes ago because they just stand much much closer to you when conversing, at a distance that Americans sense as “good pal from way back” or “date” distance, while Europeans find Americans kind of cold and conversationally aloof because we want at least 3 feet of distance when we talk. Just as one example. You can pick up on these differences fast and unconsciously.
One thing that is real is cultural differences in terms of personal space and touching. Some cultures (Latin, Dutch?) tend to hug more and stand closer when talking. Others (German, English) tend to be less expressive.
I think you can’t generalize on “European” personal space zone. It seems to me that northern Europeans – Germans and British, for example – are more like what Capybara describes as “American,” and the southern Europeans are more like what Capy describes as “European,” in general. IMHO there are a lot of regional differences among Americans, too.
Another vote for the existence of the “accent” here. The French stand with generally less than a foot between the noses of the two speakers. This causes misunderstandings when dealing with Americans as we tend to be made unconfortable by this and retreat a step. A common response is for the French speaker to take a step forward. Repeat until offended. If you’ve never had a chance to watch this from the sidelines, you’re missing out on something hysterical. I’ve seen people goddam near make a lap of the room. I’ve been told by a French teacher that this sends the message that we’re aloof, cold or flat-out hostile. Speaking as someone who has experienced this many times while living in Belgium, the impression on the American is that the person is:
a. Condescending
b. Attempting to intimidate
c. Homosexual
d. Being insultingly familiar
e. Preparing to discuss something embarrassing to you or them
If you really want to get into body language that causes misunderstangs, take a look at Arab-American interaction.
Sure, I can see it. One sign that a person desires greater physical intimacy in our culture is moving inside your personal space. Someone standing too close to you is “coming on to you”.
On a related note, an anthropology professor in undergrad used to live with a stone age culture in New Guinia, the Dani…you know the guys, the penis gourd wearers. Among their body language habits is the practice of men grabbing one another’s butt cheeks when conversing. Another is indicating something in the distance by pointing at it with puckered up lips in a kissing motion; something far in the distance was indicated by doing this several times. Once you get in the habit of doing this, it’s hard to remember to stop when you return to America, where these two actions put together are a tad too intimate.
I’ll see if I can elaborate. Imagine that you just stopped in to talk to your family priest/minister/rabbi/whatever about something that’s going on with your family. He probably gets up to meet you at his door. Maybe he even throws an arm around your shoulder to usher you in. Probably sits close if he senses that you’re trying to talk about something difficult. He’s got a right to this kind of familiarity since he led your catechism, married you, baptised your kid, etc. These same gestures from a stranger would come off as condescending. They’ve failed to observe well understood rules about how you treat strangers. The fact that they’ve (seemingly) chosen to ignore these rules implies that they don’t think you’re worthy of such treatment. You are being treated as someone who is not entitled to the basic courtesies due to any adult. In other words, a child. Condescending.
As for the homosexual angle, it just seems to come up as you frantically try to figure out why this guy is being so weird.
It’s not really a homophobia thing, it’s just one of the hypotheses that you try out to explain awkward and very uncomfortable position that your host is putting you in.
One of the unspoken (and I’ll bet unconscious) assumptions that Americans universally make is that the ground directly beneath your feet, regardless of where you are, is your posession while you’re standing on it. I mean this figuratively. Americans act as if this is true without ever forming the thought. Even if you’re on a subway platform, someone who needs to be where you are is expected to ask. This concept does not appear to exist in the Arab world (yes I know that’s a broad generalization, be nice). If someone needs to be where you are standing, they give you a nudge or small push to move you aside. This is normal and polite behavior in the Arab world that pisses Americans off to no end.
While there are differences, you’re not aware of the foreigners who don’t stick out in a crowd, and may not remember the people who do but are completly uninteresting. In other words, there’s a definite selection bias.
Having been to the beach this morning, I was reminded that tourists from Japan routinely put their beach mats approximately one and half inches from yours even though there is a whole beach at their disposal. Or most of it, anyway. I have to remind myself that this is a cultural difference and not an attempt to invade our space, befriend us or intimidate us into leaving, but it bugs the heck out of me.
Thanks for the explanations and further clarification, LabRat. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t getting onto you for generializing… while stereotyping can be annoying, in conversations like this, it’s par for the course.
I think I’ll stay in America. I cannot stand to have my personal space invaded unless it’s by an attractive member of the opposite sex.
