I’ve heard the theory that sexual fetishes are a way to act out unresolved traumas and other unresolved issues, as well as deep seated hopes or fears. Has this theory been tested with any real duration? I Know revictimization is a real thing, people who are abused have a higher odd of becoming an abuser or an abuse victim in the future.
But what if someone has fantasies like being a furry, or being shrunk down to a few inches tall, or being an adult baby, or exhibitionism?
Is there a book that discusses the psychology behind fetishes, something that describes what kinds of traumas or unresolved issues are being worked out by the fetishes? Or is a cigar just a cigar?
I don’t have any data for you right off. I can tell you that there is no apparent statistical link between fetishes for BDSM, rape fantasies, etc and a history of abuse or sexual assault. People with abuse histories do not have a higher probability of being into these things. It appears people are into freaky things just because they’re into them.
I once got very annoyed because of an otherwise excellent novel I read in which the protagonist had a serious rape fantasy fetish. Eventually, it became clear her fetish was linked to her traumatic history and therefore ‘‘unhealthy’’ and while it was an excellent book and possibly applies to some people, re-enforcing that false stereotype really annoyed me. Having such a traumatic experience might complicate the issue or contribute to it in some way, but I don’t think it can be ascribed as a direct cause.
The idea that fetishes are a way to act out unresolved traumas sounds very Freudian/psychoanalytic to me, and is therefore suspect as a legitimate, scientifically supported theory. But I believe fetishes have to be emotionally driven, somehow. As someone who is into bondage and submission myself, a major component of the appeal is trust, and that is something that has been thematically huge in my life experience. I have a lot of anxiety around sex and ceding decision-making power to someone I trust completely makes the whole thing psychologically easier for me to manage. I wouldn’t claim that’s the case for all people who are into BDSM. Different things appeal to different people.
I dated a guy who revealed (after the breakup) he was into wearing diapers and that is just something I don’t think I could ever accommodate as a partner. I couldn’t guess why a person would find that appealing, but probably some people think the same thing about my fetish, so to what extent do I have a right to judge? The weirdest fetish I ever heard of was a guy who could only come when nectarines were thrown at his stomach. Where did that come from? Could we ever hope to guess? Does it rise to the level of pathology? I guess it depends on whether he has trouble finding partners willing to throw nectarines at his stomach. I don’t think we have any control over how we’re wired sexually. The best we can do is find a way to fulfillment that works for all involved parties.
I do think this is a fascinating subject and would love to hear others’ thoughts/experiences with it.
Not all people into BDSM are into it because of a history of abuse, however people who have been abused find themselves more likely to be abused in the future. It has to do with (among other things I guess) the person’s psyche cannot handle the fact that abuse was wrong, so they identify with the abuser which makes them a target for other abusers.
Right. I guess I’m confused what the relationship is, in your mind, between revictimization and sexual fetishes. I do not associate BDSM with re-victimization in any way, and neither does the psychological literature.
Re-victimization and sexual fetishes are not the same thing, as one is voluntary and pleasurable and the other is not.
I probably should’ve described my OP better, but revictimization is the easiest to understand concept I could think of for how certain sexual situations are an unconscious effort to relive traumas from the past.
I’m not sure how that ties into pleasurable fetishes and how those are related to the past. Do people who desperately lacked an emotional need like safety at vulnerable periods in their lives end up pursuing fetishes that have a high aspect of safety for example (either as the provider or the recipient)?
It could be the case depending on the individual. It’s just that statistically, as far as I understand, people with a traumatic history are no more or less likely to be engaged in fetish behavior than people in the average population.
But trauma usually has a pretty narrow definition. People may have histories or emotional issues that don’t fit the standard definition of trauma but still involve having some unfulfilled need, and maybe a certain subset of the population seeks to fill that need within the trust and intimacy of a sexual relationship.
Most people i know with fetishes do have some core emotional driving factor behind the fetish. Trust is the core driving factor behind mine, and I have seen that also with others who are into BDSM and other types of role play. For others (doms) it might be having complete control over the situation or it might be the emotional high of having someone trust you that much. It doesn’t have to be linked to trauma, per se, but it does seem to fulfill a core emotional need the person doesn’t feel they can get from vanilla sex.
Well, I know it’s not exactly a psychoanalytic breakdown of sexual fetish, but I did find this book, which seems promising/interesting and is apparently based on the research of a sex-positive psychologist. The description does mention past sexual traumas and using kink as a means to work through them.
Count me as being equally confused. I can imagine where lots of fetishes come from, but color me confused as to how someone learns to be aroused by a person wearing a gas mask with a tube running to their crotch. I’m totally live-and-let-live with it, but unless you lived in London under strange conditions in the Blitz, how did you even come up with that?
Neil Strauss wrote a book about being a pick up artist (PUA) back around 2005. Then a few years later he wrote a book called ‘the truth’ that discussed how his interest in PUA were driven by growing up with a narcissistic mother. It had a lot of good info about psychology in it, his efforts at rehab and indulging his desires, and his eventual ability to develop more healthy relationships with women after he did therapy.
I do not recall all the details, so I may get some wrong, but I think Strauss’s argument was that people who grow up with neglectful or narcissistic mothers end up feeling like they are not in control, they are not getting validation, affection or attention from their mother. So when they grow up they seek a total reversal of that situation. They want to be firmly in control and be able to get validation and attention at will from women. Strauss once said he asked a group of PUAs how many had neglectful for narcissistic mothers, and something like 80% of the hands went up (again, I could be remembering wrong).
Strauss eventually got into therapy, and is now happily married with a kid. So it worked out for him.
But the point is that In that situation, it seems like being drawn to the PUA lifestyle is an effort to recreate early childhood traumas by having the opposite experience. Instead of feeling powerless and depending on the woman for validation, affection and attention (like they did as kids), as a PUA you feel the opposite. You feel powerful and in control, and like you can get the validation, affection and attention from women you crave when you want it.
That is really sad. Good for him, though, for being able to look honestly at his life and make healthy changes.
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Count me as being equally confused. I can imagine where lots of fetishes come from, but color me confused as to how someone learns to be aroused by a person wearing a gas mask with a tube running to their crotch. I’m totally live-and-let-live with it, but unless you lived in London under strange conditions in the Blitz, how did you even come up with that?
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Fetishes remind me of phobias, in that a lot of them may be common enough (BDSM, fear of heights) but some of them are just fucking out there. Some people have a phobia of say, pickles, which is just as random to me as having a fetish for women crushing small animals under their heels (obviously crushing animals is an ethical concern, being afraid of pickles is not.) I’ll admit for understanding some of this stuff, the psychoanalytic route looks really appealing.
I suspect in the really weird cases it’s probably some form of behavioral conditioning. Something about the gas mask and the crotch tube triggers a pavlovian response associated with something similar that once caused them pleasure. Likewise, with the pickle phobia, the pickle is a stand-in conditioned response for something that once caused them fear.
Years ago a therapist recommended Lovemaps to help me make some sense of my ABDL interests. I never did read it, but the author was John Money, a noted (and controversial) sex researcher.
The first review I read at the Amazon link summarizes one idea In the book that meshes nicely with your claim:
I can’t imagine any kind of trauma behind my fetish. My earliest relevant memory is from when I was maybe five years old - not sure, but I was sitting in the child seat of a grocery cart - and asking my mom to buy diapers for me. After that, I can recall daydreams from when I was 7-10 years old in which a friend’s dad was making me wear diapers. pretty sure that didn’t actually happen; it was just a daydream that I found exciting. None of this became overtly sexual for me until I hit puberty.
I’m certainly not aware of any abuse, trauma, or any particular negative event that diverted me down this path.
I haven’t got any interest in this topic (no offense) but the DSM-IV manual is your one stop shop for discussing all different kinds of mental issues. Looks like Chapter 13 is the one you’d want here.
Along with trust and control are issues of vulnerability and helplessness. To allow yourself to be put into a position of helplessness in which you may be seriously harmed . . . and yet to trust that your partner will not harm you, or at least will harm you only up to a point. And from the Top’s point of view, to get off on the fact that your partner has that much trust in you, and to prove that that trust is warranted. That kind of vulnerability and trust can only be achieved symbolically in vanilla sex; it takes more literal activities to satisfy those emotional needs.
You have 100% described the meaning of the dynamic for me, personally.
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I’m certainly not aware of any abuse, trauma, or any particular negative event that diverted me down this path.
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Sorry, I wasn’t implying it had to be a traumatic driver. I’m just saying, in your own words, what is it that makes this more appealing than vanilla sex?
Ah, I was trying to stick to the OP’s question re: the origin of these things.
What makes it appealing to me? I suppose you can file it under erotic humiliation, sort of like a BDSM “slave” collar. The feeling of being “demoted” to the status of a toddler is humiliating and exciting. So anything that feeds into that mental state is going to be of interest:
Visual: A diaper is too thick to ever be mistaken for underwear. A “good” one (for many ABDLs including me) is one that is tall enough to stick out of the top of my pants (if I’m wearing any), and too thick to conceal beneath clothing. If I’m not wearing pants, then my shirt should be too short to cover it. Ideally, the diaper isn’t simply an “adult incontinence product” that’s designed to be discreet; these days, there are any number of vendors out there making diapers just for ABDLs, with cute prints on them (google “ABuniverse” or “bambino diapers” to see what sorts of things are available).
Auditory: A diaper crinkles when you move, drawing attention to you and making it impossible for you to ignore or conceal.
Tactile: The bulk between your legs is a constant reminder that you’re wearing a diaper, and makes you waddle just a bit when you walk. When you reach down to touch your crotch, the feel is blunted by this thick layer of padding. If you actually go so far as to use the diaper for its intended purpose, there’s a whole new set of warm, wet, slippery sensations involved.
Olfactory: The scent of Pampers made my blood rush when I was a teenager. These days, some ABDL diapers are available with a similar baby-ish fragrance.
Social: being treated like the toddler that you “are.” Being forced to wear/use diapers, or wear ABDL clothing/accessories, play with toddler toys, crawl instead of walk, etc.
ABDL erotica commonly focuses on adults who are forced (generally in some kind of top/bottom situation) to wear/use diapers and/or behave in role-appropriate ways, like wearing babyish clothing or sucking on a pacifier. The humiliation of being seen wearing a diaper or the “panic” of knowing that you will have to use it are the kinds of things that can translate into sexual excitement (think of a BDSM slave knowing she is about to be punished).
A bit rushed, but hopefully this gives you a little sense of what it’s about.
The amygdala is heavily involved in fight/flight, correct? Is it also involved in feed/fuck? If so, a sensation/perception/cognition linked to fear or aggression which increases activity in the amygdala might end up getting redirected into feed/fuck circuits.
The most recent stuff I’ve read is about sexual cue theory, which posits that fetishes are just mixtures of sexual cues, sometimes taken further than usual. Only the most bizarre fetishes involve some sort of triggering incident. Stuff like BDSM or foot fetishes usually don’t.
The guy saying this has written articles for Psychology Today, and I believe he wrote a book on this, but I’m having trouble finding it this early in the morning.
One thing I specifically remember is that studies have shown that penises are actually a male sexual cue–even in straight men, as found in certain tests. This means that seeing a penis makes them think of sex. And that this sometimes coalesces into a trans fetish.
I’m posting this in hopes that someone else might find it. I must be using the wrong words.
This is consistent with the fact that some straight men have sex with other men, while still being totally attracted to women. I’ve met guys who’d have all kinds of sex with other guys, but would not kiss them, because that would be gay.
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