I notice many people will pretend around others they don’t like. I never understood that, how can you talk to someone you hate as if you were best friends? I literally ignore people I hate, will flat out walk away if they even tried to talk to me less it’s business related only. I make sure they know I hate them, that’s for sure. If it’s the truth, set it free I always say because it is what it is.
I just can’t pretend, reality is always too much in my face to do that.
It drives me crazy that the message is “just be yourself” which really isn’t a very good message. We can’t all be ourselves in every situation, and what that means to me is, you never have to change or adjust yourself the slightest. Plus it sucks for people who "just be themselves’ and still can’t get anywhere. I think a better message would be “Be your best self”.
That being said, the only one I fake for is my dad. Parents of adult children, listen up! Let your kid be an adult. If every time you find out anything about them your first instinct is to criticize or correct it won’t be long before they stop telling you anything!
I don’t have to be fake to be nice, though. I am naturally nice and don’t really like to hold grudges. What’s the point? It’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I am lucky to have a mostly sunny personality.
You have to behave somewhat differenty in many situations. I obviously do not act exactly the same around my wife as I do my children, and I act differently with my Mom, or with my friends, or with my co-workers, or with the person serving me lunch. Some things are consistent but some things change. Swearing is a very obvious one; my wife and I are cheerily foul-mouthed with each other but we do not swear around the kids, nor would I swear at work.
Anyone who says they’re always the same is either not really thinking about it or is the biggest asshole on the planet.
ETA: I’m working at home today, as is my wife, and she just said “fuck” or “fucking” to her computer five times in twenty seconds. It would not save a file, the stupid fucking piece of shit.
Is that based on any science or just your opinion? I act the exact same way around everyone and certainly I have been called many things. But you know what? So has everyone else because you cannot like everyone nor everyone like you including behaviors and beliefs and it always comes out eventually. Like everyone else, I react to my environment, to whats going on around me or happening to me. Pretending is an illusion based on your own irrational fears. Truth hurts but everyone is an A-hole at some point in time. You cannot socialize and be successful without stirring some emotion or negative thought from someone. Why? because people love to hate. Haters everywhere, for every subject for every single thing…someone hates something.
So you made it clear that you are afraid of what other people think and how others perceive you but understand that no matter how positive you make yourself appear to be, someone will see a negative. Maybe they pretend too. You can keep your fake friends and family, I’m keeping only the real ones.
Shh! My wife thinks she marries a 19th century British dandy… “I say, Lady Penelope, what’s for puds, love? A smidge of that demned old Spotted Dick, wot?”
A more serious example: I worked with a woman who talked so differently with different ethnic groups that we could tell what race she was on a phone call with.
In fact, she had a phone interview with an inner city Chicago outreach, and when she showed up for her final interview everyone tried not to look stunned. As soon as anyone could get out of her line of sight, they were silently laughing and mouthing “She’s not black! She’s. Not. Black!”, and miming their jaws dropping, behind her back.
(source: my best friend who worked there, and was one of those trying not to laugh)
A big reason they were laughing? The Powers That Be had drummed it into everyone that they could not ask about race, buuuut… they were also told that politically they really had to hire a black woman.* Buuuut…* to bring up race would be racist,* buuut,* it would be alright to just guess.
You know what I do? I hold the other person’s grudge for them.
I had this roommate for a while once. That arrangement didn’t really work out, and ended with us on bad terms. Which was entirely my fault. I was the one who wouldn’t clean. I was the one who left the boiling pot of spaghetti on the stove, went to sleep, and almost burned the apartment down.
However, after I moved out, he forgave me soon enough. After a cooling off period, whenever we would meet in social situations, he would be as cheerful and friendly as ever. But I still couldn’t stand being in the same room as him. I hated talking to him. 'Cause I was still mad at myself on his behalf.
And I can hold that kind of proxy grudge forever. Apparently, if the other person is too nice to do it, I feel like I have to step up.
Nope. I can’t think of anyone. I have in the past, tried to be a guy’s guy, when hanging out with those types of guys, but it was always a disaster. Haha. I am incapable of sucking up to any boss or co-worker. I behave the same way around my friends as I do my mum and siblings, as I do my wife and her family.
I present a very consistent face to the world. Depending on how intimate we are you will see more of my coarse or otherwise inappropriate side.
I recently found my eight grade "Class Characteristics " list. Even back then I was tagged as studious, respectful, dependable, all the unlovable virtues.
Y’know, I may have discovered my problem. I’m the class clown EVERYwhere.
Even heartfelt talks with my friend whose wife is dying (He claims that’s why he talks to me, to get distracted and amused). Oh, and at boring corporate meetings…
Stuffy marketing “con-fab” that’s taking hours? By the half-hour mark, I’ve excused myself and come back with xeroxed “Board Room Buzzword Bingo” cards for everyone, full of the *VP of Jerk’*s favorite meaningless phrases.
Big roll-out of our latest Acronym-a-Rama? I can’t resist, when VP of Jerk is explaining what AYNIS stands for, asking “We all understand the individual components, but what can you tell us about AYNIS as a whole?”
And if it looks like I’m taking notes? Nope, I’m doodling the CEO with hilarious thought bubbles. And of course I’m sharing those with my compatriots…
So, I guess I need to pretend to be a grown-up occasionally…
(and I’m senior staff, usually the oldest one in the room).
You don’t actually want to. Your clownery is at least work-related. I’m the guy standing in the hallway dicking with a Rubik’s Cube, and looking like I don’t actually want to be there.
There’s “class clown”, and there’s “disruptive”. I’m more the second one.
Oh, but then I could be the guy whispering to you during the meetings, giving you bad ideas…
You’d pull off *The *Best Prank On Boss Ever, and I’d have an airtight alibi.
A coworker once called me a “human Wikipedia”. So I already have a reputation for being a font of semi-useful knowledge. And yet even at that, I sometimes play dumb when someone tells me a fact they recently learned. They get the pleasure of having conveyed some knowledge, and I get the pleasure of having a conversation partner for a topic that I’m interested in. I can also ask leading questions which make me seem more insightful than I am. Works much better than in high school where I was (correctly) deemed a smart-ass because I started every other sentence with “actually, …”.