I’m a mostly-inactive Mormon. I’ve studied a lot of the canonical and apocryphal writings of the LDS church and how the critics respond to it. I think it’s very safe to say that critics of Mormonism talk about Kolob a whole lot more than Mormons.
Early Mormon writings emphasized cosmology more than is common today. From the scraps available to us today in journals, it is apparent that Joseph Smith had a more extensive theory than what is preserved canonically in the Book of Abraham. But these theories do not seem to have persisted beyond Smith’s lifetime. It’s probably important to understand that in the 1830s a scientifically accurate conceptualization of the solar system etc. was not generally held except by experts in the relevant disciplines.
References to “Kolob” are almost non-existent in modern Mormon speech and writing. The residence of God is identified as “heaven” or the “celestial kingdom”. I don’t believe this represents an abandonment of the doctrine so much as the desire to distance Mormonism from the notion that “extraterrestrials from the planet Kolob” founded the religion.
Mormon theology describes the creation of the earth as a sort of step in a cyclical process which has produced prior creations and which will produce future creations, a sort of cosmic life cycle that produces an expanding hierarchy of creations that eventually reach a state of perfection. This provides a context for the “first creation” characterization. Mormon doctrine is explicit that only accounts of this creation are available to us.
The unworkability of Smith’s alleged earlier cosmology, the lack of detailed information on Kolob and the preclusion of obtaining more, and the possibility that none of it is intended to be interpreted strictly literally, have made this a sort of dead-end doctrine. It’s there, but it doesn’t affect the Mormon experience to any significant degree.
The Mormon concept of heaven is considerably more complicated than mainstream Christianity’s. It is held that the highest degree of heaven is, in conceptual form, a “glorified” planet. Heaven in Mormonism is a Platonic extension of the existence with which we are familiar. There is, however, no doctrinal justification for taking the resemblance to absurd lengths such as the postulation of “spiritual” Dr. Pepper.
The “underwear dance” is no doubt a facetious reference to the undergarments worn by Mormons who participate in private worship in Mormon temples. The garment has symbolic significance in reminding the wearer of vows he takes as part of temple worship. These vows are very similar to those taken by religious orders within the Roman Catholic church.
There is no “underwear dance”. Mormons are taught to treat the garment with appropriate respect, but there is no ritual in its daily use or care.
Because Mormons believe in large families it would seem that they have a daily mating ritual. There is none. The frequency of sexual activity between husband and wife is not something the LDS church in any way concerns itself with.
Disinformation about Mormonism is rampant, so it’s not surprising to hear amusing takes on Mormon faith and practice.
