Dear RNC,
My boss is not a republican. In fact, when you first began inundating my desk with mail begging for donations, he was not even a citizen.
When I showed him the very first letter I got from you, he told me to shred it, or possibly burn it, and subjected me to a small rant about how just because he has a lot of money and is a CEO does not mean he’d vote for a man who would probably just as soon see him rounded up and put on a boat back to Chennai post haste.
Today I received the third ‘autographed’ presidential picture from you. We’ve contemplated tacking it up by the water cooler to throw darts at. Please stop sending them. I realize that he is rich. I realize he’s a successful businessman. I know you have this information and just assume he’s got to be a big fan of the GOP and can’t wait to send you a generous donation of $5,000 or more. But let me tell you something. In addition to these things, he also has dark skin. He talks with a funny accent. He worships the wrong gods (more than one, even!). He doesn’t eat meat. Surely you can see he’s not your sort of person.
So please, stop sending us requests for money. You aren’t getting any, and sending him letters about how you’re going to increase Homeland Security with his money only subjects me to mumblings and grousings about how he already gets frisked before every plane ride. He’s quite proud of his new citizenship and plans to use to to vote for someone else.
Please stop. You’re agitating him and making my life harder.
Also, if you’re going to send him a ‘personalized’ picture, the very least you could do is spell his name right.
Sincerely,
An Annoyed Assistant
If you want to cost them a little more, use their return envelope to send them a handful of shred (without your address in it.)