I’ve never dated*. I’ve been trying to socialize more - actually talking to people in class, trying to talk to people at martial arts, etc - but I’d also like to, y’know, actually get a boyfriend. But it seems like all the guys I meet are either too old, gay, in a relationship, or some combination of the above. So I was thinking, well there’s always dating sites, but I’m afraid it’d be a really stupid idea to have my first date be from a dating site.**
Okay, I’ve done a couple of things that could be ‘dates’ but we never kissed or did anything else and it was in junior high.
** I know the basics - meet in a public place, talk for a long time before you meet, trust your instincts, etc.
Alternately, are any single, straight Dopers around LA / Ventura looking for a gal? I cook and love animals. Wait, let me rephrase that. I like animals and to cook.
A friend of mine is fifty-something, never married, and spent the winter months really excited about the dating site she was on and all the great guys she was meeting. Well, except when she was frustrated because she met all these great guys but none of them were really ready to drop everything to revolve around her (never mind where these guys were on her priority list).
She found the book ** The Rules** and got really excited that following the rules was going to get her a husband. And oh, by the way, there’s a new set of rules for on-line dating. But they only apply to those who are fortysomething and up–kids in their twenties and thirties still need to pay their dues by doing the whole bar scene thing for a while first.
So that’s one opinion–or maybe more than one if that’s the opinion of the author of The Rules and not just my friend. I’m not sure that I agree with her/them-- but then, I’m over 30, under 40, and obnoxiously shy and totally inexperienced with dating.
I do think that you should be aware that telling people that you have no experience dating is likely to make you look undesirable as a potential dating partner. But what are your alternatives? Lying or sitting at home wishing you knew how to meet potential dating partners?
I actually met my ex husband through Match.com. And while I bash the ever living shit out of him, he wasn’t THAT bad. We just didn’t do it for each other. So I am back into the dating scene and have been using the POF (Plenty of fish) website. It’s free, so I have talked to some great guys and not so great guys.
Just listen to your instinct. When I go out on a date I generally tell my BFF where I am going and who I am going out with. Sometimes he checks in on me by texting, sometimes he doesn’t. Though after some really horrible dates… I like someone knowing where I am and who I am with.
Just like everything else, play it safe.
And have fun. There truly are some great people out there. I have met some cool people from these sites.
I think the idea of a formal date with a relative stranger is a new one for a lot for people. When I dipped my toes into the Internet thing 5-odd years ago, it was the first time I’d been on anything approaching a date with someone I didn’t know socially in nearly 20 years. And yes, it takes a little practice to get over feeling odd about it.
You live in a huge metropolitan area, and that’s a big advantage. The pool is bigger, which allows you to be pickier. Also, I’m not familiar with SoulGeek (although I like the sound of it), I live far from any big city and pretty every dating except Match has very few members within 50-70 miles – and that includes Plenty of Fish, Fast Cupid, et cetera. If you’re under 40 that helps too, and the more you’re under easier it will be. I say do it, if for no other reason than it will give you a better idea of what you’re looking for.
Not at all stupid. What would be stupid, is to want something, see a good and relatively easy way to get it, and then postpone and fret. Just go for it.
Besides, if you don’t know how a date “should” go, you will be far more flexible to enjoy the dates you will have for what they are, instead of wondering if you are doing it “right”. There is no right. There is just doing what fits you and your date, and right now you is “never dated, resolved to change that, bit nervous about the how-to of it all”. Which, in my female opinion, is a rather sweet and cute starting point.
Yes, if you’re still in school, then you’re probably part of the generation that, for the most part, only knows about candy and flowers from Archie comics. If nothing else, even the most miserable internet pairing should be good for a story and a laugh later on (but stay safe!). I know it’s clichéd, but chances are you’ll click with someone – a coworker, a friend of a friend – when you least suspect it.
Yes, I KNOW, dammit. Otherwise, you would no longer be single.
Well, I signed up for Soulgeek. When my profile goes public, I’ll let you guys nitpick it to death (and I’m sure you will. I suck at writing about myself.)
Unfortunately all my coworkers are either too old for me or married (or, y’know, both). The warehouse guy has actually been bugging me to find a boyfriend, but he’s sweet about it, so I don’t let it bother me. (I think it’s his fatherly instinct coming through.)
And all my friends that know someone live an hour or more away. There’s actually a guy who’s sort of in my guild that I’d date, except he lives two or three hours away.
First dates rarely end up being last dates. That is, if you’re like most of us, you’re going to date more than one person before you settle on the one or more of your choice. So why not enjoy the dating experience with someone you feel comfortable with, get some practice under your belt and not expect it to go anywhere serious. At least you’ll learn your dating pitfalls - do you get tongue tied? Sweaty palms? Order spaghetti and wear white? These things can then be dealt with before another try, with him or with someone else.
Then again, to paraphrase Westley: “There are a shortage of perfect [men] in the world.” Who knows, maybe this guy will turn out to be The One[sup]TM[/sup] for you, and you’re going to let a little drive stand in the way of that? Long distance relationships are harder than local ones, but they can work, and over much longer distances than that.
And 3, although a distant three, I’m a little worried you’re building this “first date” thing up into something Big in your head, when in reality, it’s more likely to be awkward and uncomfortable than fireworks and a swelling orchestra. (Unless, of course, you take him to a production of the 1812 Overture.) Life, for better or for worse, is not a Julia Roberts movie. (Hmm…I should prob’ly update that sentiment for Kids These Days. “Life is not an Anne Hathaway movie.”? Nope, doesn’t have the same ring to it…) “Just get it over with” might be a better frame of mind than “This must be Just So.”
That being said, I see nothing wrong (logically*) with internet dating, for your first date or your thirty first. The way people find mates is a constantly changing process - this idea we have of a serendipitous meeting leading to love and love leading to marriage is a sociological blip in the timeline of humanity. I’m sure meeting someone at a bookstore and going on a date would sound absolutely bizarre and dangerous to a woman of 1512 - she’s going to think your father should pick out your husband for you and anything else is just asking for trouble! Times change, dating changes, and that’s really okay.
*Emotionally, I admit, I’m from the generation cusp that still *feels *internet dating is risky and lame, but I get that that is entirely my prejudices speaking, not reality.
Likewise I fail. While I’m straight, I’m also not single, and too old.
Don’t forget that the first or second guy you date might not be the one. Like the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to meet a prince.
There are plenty of us on here that have been successful with internet dating, myself included. So get on in there, throw up a profile on a couple of free sites and see what happens.
You’re so far ahead of where you think you are, actually. Just being more social, and looking around and being aware and friendly, as opposed to the common tendency of going through your day with blinders on and projecting a “don’t talk to me” vibe, that’s way more important than any number of dates you have or haven’t had.
For me, once I admitted to myself “I want to be with someone” and considered myself on the market, as opposed to quietly staying under the radar, telling everyone I was far to busy to even think about dating, things started happening. Not immediately of course, I didn’t meet my guy the next week. I did have about a year and a half of dating, both the internet and FOAF variety, and sort of honing my social skills and also figuring out exactly what I was looking for. But that year and a half was Fun! It was fun to email back and forth with potential dates, to get butterflies and wonder what to wear on a date, even if that date winds up leading nowhere. Just thinking of myself as someone who was actively looking changed my attitude and other folks picked up on that, leading to more dating action.
My theory: when you go to a computer dating site, you shoot yourself in the foot. You can meet someone whose looks appeal to you etc. but the pressure’s too much. The frame of mind is already on dating, when you don’t really know if you even like the person yet.
A lasting relationship is based on something more like friendship. I mean let’s face it, the passion can wear off pretty quickly and then you need common interests, things to talk about and do together. So my plan has been to meet people in a non-dating situation. So I’m a big proponent of meetup.com.
Say you’re interested in board games or volunteering for charitable causes or going to jazz clubs or whatever…you look them up in your area and join groups. It’s free, btw, unless your specific group has some dues (but most don’t).
True story: at the very first meetup I attended, I met a lovely woman. Attractive, well-spoken, and we had good eye contact and some similar interests. Someone asked if she would be attending the next event on Saturday but she said she couldn’t because she had a class. “I’m getting my concealed carry permit,” she said. “My ex-boyfriend’s kinda crazy.”
That’s the kind of thing she would have NEVER told me if we had met through a dating site. With her defenses lowered, I’m bound to get to know a truer picture of her when deciding if I should date her or not.
Internet dating is perfect for someone like you who is a dating n00b and needs experience.
You need experience to improve your odds of finding a decent relationship because almost everyone is awkward and makes mistakes on their first few attempts at dating.
It’s much better to make those rookie mistakes with guys you’re not too emotionally invested in rather than letting those mistakes screw things up with a guy you really like.
That’s why Internet dating is perfect: It allows you to get a large amount of dating practice in through the sheer volume of eligible single people you meet that way. Meeting people the old fashioned way (in person) often means that by the time you work up to actually getting a date you’ve made an emotional investment in the person and therefore will feel bad if things don’t go perfectly. On the internet, it’s so much more casual. You find a profile that sounds sane/kind/fun, email him a little to try to confirm that impression, and then ask him out to coffee/lunch/whatever. If it goes well, yay, but if it doesn’t go well, there are plenty more guys where that came from so no big loss.
Just as long as you stay safe about it! I didn’t always talk to guys for very long online before meeting them in person - I feel like talking for a long time by email can be a waste of time since you never know if you’ll like someone for real until you meet in person - but I never allowed myself to be ALONE with a man from the itnernet until we knew each other extremely well.
Post a profile on OKCupid.com too. You’ll find a larger selection of people there than you will on niche sites like soulgeek. Another nice thing about usign a general dating site instead of one that’s geared to your specific interest is that you might discover that the perfect guy for you is someone who doesn’t care about fandom stuff at all (my boyfriend and I are very different people in a lot of ways - different politics, religion, hobbies, etc. - but yet we are very much in love and have a wonderful relationship).
Good luck. If you keep looking, you’ll find him.
Alas, I am on the wrong coast and I’m married too. No doubt I am too old as well - maybe one of my sons? I do cook and love animals though
I never “dated” either, in the way they seem to do it in the movies, cause I was too chicken I guess. If you keep doing what you like to do, that’s a good way to meet someone with similar interests. I would suggest you just go on some dates - however you get them - just for the practice.
Sorry, for not responding earlier guys, I currently have no internet at home and I was out of town (socializing! with actual people! =^_^=)
Fang (the guy two or three hours away) is a nice guy, but he has a truly frightening dating history (he’s got terrible luck, which is really sad because he’s a really big-hearted guy.) Maybe at the next Faire I’ll try to get together with him (I say ‘try’ because of the whole ‘I have no idea what I’m doing thing’). Also, I know myself, and I’m lazy and don’t really like to drive.
I don’t really think that I’m going to go on one date and find Mr. Right. I’m just kinda nervous, y’know?
Well we can always try it. PM me sometime.
Gee, I dunno if that’s helpful or depressing. =^.^= But yeah, I’ll pull it up and make you all help me out. I’m going to try other sites too, I just thought that one would be a little easier because with any luck the other geeks would be nervous and awkward too. I’ll be posting to other sites soon.
I’ve looked at meetup.com and it’s cool, but I can’t find anything near me that I’m into (and I’m being shy). And I was trying to meet people at school and through taijitsu, but it’s not working very well (probably because I suck at making friends). That’s kinda why Soulgeek caught my eye - it’s full of people I can relate to.
