Well, I now find myself well and truly unattached. I’m over my last relationship, and unexpectedly found myself without the “casual sex” partner I’ve been with for over a year. So I’m back in a market I’ve never really been in.
I’ve always dated friends, and the only time I dated a stranger, I wound up getting a total dud (3 year relationship that culminated in me paying his rent for 14 months). I’m now in the less-than-desirable position of being single in a new city. I hardly know anyone, and I’m sick of spending saturday nights alone.
I signed up on Okcupid, mostly b/c of what I read here (Lili_Marlene). No responses so far.
Then, a friend coerced me into signing up on mate1, same user name. I’ve had several responses. They go something like this:
Woman interested in threesome with her husband
Guy in Vietnam interested in a wife who has composed a “poem” from a-z of why he is a good mate
Guy who wants to know what location of the city I’m in so we can get together for a cuddle and a back rub.
Le sigh.
I want to meet someone who isn’t too serious, isn’t insane and has a job. I am not sure if I trust online dating. How do I get myself out there? I’ve never actually dated. I’ve fallen into mutually beneficial arrangements with friends, for the most part.
What about speed dating?
Any ideas/input on my profile/ reassuring experience stories would be GREATLY appreciated.
The last guy I dated told me he had done some sort of work that he had a confidentiality agreement signed on, and couldn’t tell me what it was. Yep. I’m a sucker. This is why I accepted that he didn’t work for the first 1 1/2 years of our relationship. Then, two weeks before his rent was due, he was broke. I subsequently found out he bullshitted me, and the money was from some other means.
This is why I stipulate must be employed. I’m not willing to get suckered again.
However, it was a good way for me to realized I shouldn’t believe anything someone tells me. I’m no longer an innocent.
Afraid another post that is not really going to help you, but I’m newly single too *Don Adams]and loving it[/Don Adams]. Not loving it in the sense of “wehey! I’m free to go out tomcatting on the town”, but loving it in the sense of “I’m old enough now that the brain ain’t in the trousers, and I’m really loving just being a bachelor with my own place, my own life, and my own rules.”
In your case though, I think I’d avoid dating sites. You seem, like me, to be a person who doesn’t like formalised “dating” as such, so I’d not be treating the online world any differently to the real one. If you don’t go to singles bars, then don’t go to dating sites. Just enjoy your regular crowd of folks on message boards, email, etc, and if you’re not in a desperate hurry, you should do okay. Just my 2c.
…and no, I’m not chatting you up. I’m on the other side of the Pacific Ocean, and as I said, happily not looking. It’s bloody GREAT.
This is as I feared. I’ve never been a “dater”,. and I have gone for four years single prior to my last relationship.
I don’t think I’d recognize “chatting up” anyway, but it’s oddly flattering to think it might happen. I appreciate the advice, though.
At the risk of sounding like a filthy whore… I’m not enthused at the idea of having to wait another four years plus to get laid. I’ve always relyed on the kindness of friends in dry periods, and given that this is no longer an option, I’m starting to feel antsy.
I’m gonna disagree on “if you’re not the bar scene type, online personals won’t do it either.” I’m not the bar type, and online personals have worked out pretty well for me. (Not great – I thought I’d met Mr. Right, but apparently not.) What they have done, in addition to getting me laid – and, as a female, you can have that happen pretty much as often as you want to – is find me a bunch of new friends to hang out with and go do stuff with. My best friend and I met through online dating, though it was clear immediately there was no romantic chemistry, so we never went through a “dating” stage. I’ve also got three other really good friends who I “dated” (i.e., slept with) for various amounts of times before it was clear there was no future for an actual “relationship” – but who are excellent people who make great pals to go do dinner and a movie with. Or have coffee with weekly for an hour’s worth of deep conversation. Or who will come help me hook up the damn DVD player. Or whatever. I have a reasonably active social life – generally if I really don’t want to be home alone on a Saturday night, I don’t have to be. “And it’s all due to online personals.”
Seriously – you might want to try one of the pay sites, like match dot com, which tend to have a larger pool of people posting.
Plus, if you want help with your ad, post a link – people have gotten some really good feedback here on tweaking their ads to say what they want to say.
I entered the dating scene two years ago, after a 15 year long relationship ended rather badly. Got my feet under me and took a step with online dating. Within a couple of months of single and sometimes second dates I met someone absolutely great who I dated for a little over a year. We broke up a few months ago because ultimately we decided we had different goals in life. But we are still friends and think the world of one another. And yes, we’re both back on-line. Helping one another with profiles and pics. It’s a bit wierd yes, but ultimately fun and a bit less lonely in some respects.
So I’m back to a first date or two and moving on because I’ve not found anybody I’ve been able to gel with yet. Some days/weeks it’s wearing and kinda sould crushing when the person who sounds so great on-line is simply not interesting in real life or simply not interested in you enough to even respond to your email.
I do encourage you, if you’re in the frame of mind for dating, to jump into the fray. It is fun and my personal experience is that it can work. And yes, I’ve made a friend or two along the way as well.
No way. You’re an adult who likes sex and you actually wouldn’t mind HAVING it? Heh.
Seriously-- rather than sitting back and waiting for responses (that’s the idea I’m getting from what you’ve said?) why not write to a couple of folks? OKCupid has a lot of people looking for friends or penpals only; while you may not want to date them directly, they probably have single friends.
Considered taking a class somewhere, or volunteering, somewhere that’ll widen your social circle? Again, you may not DIRECTLY meet people to date, but if you put the word out, something will come up.
I’ve met some really fun guys through OKCupid, and if I were in the market for a quick friendly romp, I’d certainly have some prospects. In almost every instance, though, I contacted them, not just waiting for them to contact me. In fact, every person I’ve ever dated, I’ve asked out first.
Yeah, I haven’t e-mailed anyone based off their profile yet. I’m still sort of on the fence about the whole thing. However, I have talked to a bunch of people I know, and was suprised at how many had friends who’ve met people online.
I might give it a try… if I do, I’ll post my experiences here.
Your post could have been written by me (except I’m a guy). The toughest thing in the world for a guy to give up is the casual sex partner but it’s something I have to do. I just signed up on lavalife a half an hour ago so I’d be interested to know how your online experiences go. I’m really skeptical of online dating but then again I’m kind of skeptical of dating period. Keep us posted. Maybe we can swap war stories.
Well, we can be in this together then. I signed up on lavalife tonight, just a few minutes ago. I haven’t really set up my profile yet, but I browsed a bit, and this site seems more my speed that the one my friend referred me to (mate1 I think?). I’m not keen that you have to pay to use the service to contact people, but maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will get in touch with me.
I met my husband through loveataol (which is no longer around). I think you met him, Rebekkah, at the Calgary Gun-Totin’ Dopefest. He’s just a nice, normal guy who didn’t meet many eligible women in real life, just like I didn’t meet many eligible men in real life. I would recommend online dating to anybody - you only go on dates with people who fit your requirements (non-smoker, non-drinker, wants kids, doesn’t want kids, whatever), and save a lot of wasted time that way.
By the way, we do have a couple of single friends - please post your profile, and we’ll see what we can do.
Rebekkah, here’s another vote for you taking the intiative on dating sites. Guys really appreciate a woman making the first move, as in sending them a short e-mail saying:
"Hi, I’m rebekkah. I liked your profile, because <insert something specific and flattering why their profile appealed to you> . Check out my profile, and maybe I’ll hear from you. "
That’s how I met my fiancé, and he qualifies as a great guy (according to even the most critical of my friends and relatives )
Are you perhaps afraid you’ll come across as desperate, or whorish, if you make the first move? Then rest assured. Most nice guys are waiting for responses, just like you. They are more then willing to sweep you off your feet, but being nice guys, they have to be reassured you’ll let them, that their attentions are welcome. Or would you rather wait untill you are approached by a I-send-out-fifty-e-mails-a-day-to-every-even-remotely-appealing-woman-on-the-site type?
I, OTOH, haven’t had a lot of luck with dating sites --I was on Match.com for a year or so, got fixed up with dozens of women, few of whom interested me, and those few were SERIOUSLY not into me. I found the online meets strained, and I really put a lot of energy into them–I was writing several notes a week, going into depth and detail (I’m a professional writer, so I would guess my letters were pretty well-written–they certainly drew a lot of interest.) But face-to-face, nothing.
Before and after my Match.com experience, though, I had decent luck getting fixed up by friends, or with women I met at work or elsewhere (and I meet very few women, being somewhat shy and reserved). But I never got over the artificial setting of both of us knowing that we were there looking and evaluating and deciding–it just messed up the process, on my part and on theirs, I think.
Of course you only need meet one for it to be successful, and since I didn’t, I’m passing along my negative experience. I’m currently single again, but I’m not even thinking about online dating at this point.
Oh, I forgot to talk about women approaching men. Yeah, send out “Hi, how are ya?” emails to any guy who catches your eye. Some will email back, some will ignore it (or aren’t active on the site anymore), some will respond, and of the ones who respond, some will be polite, literate, and interesting.
I would also say it is critical that your profile be well-written and representative of you and what you’re looking for. My husband emailed me simply because my tag-line was “Female: Mostly Harmless,” and since he is a huge Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fan, he wanted to know more about me.
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