I can't get a date -- on a DATING site!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m on a dating site, and I’ve been getting pretty damn frustrated. So I decided to come over here to the BBQ pit and vent for a bit before I go get some useful assistance.

Middle of last month I updated my profile on the site and paid them money to be able to send messages to people through the site. I then started contacting a few ladies I was interested in, including one lady I had just met the previous weekend at a party run by the site.

I’ve also had a few ladies “tease” me (which is where a person can send a pre-defined pickup line to another person on the site, without having to pay money to the site). I’ve replied to each of the teases and shown some interest, I’ve asked some questions to go beyond the profile and find out more about the ladies.

In two cases, the lady I met at the party and the lady who teased me most recently, I offered my cell phone number and invited them to contact me.

The site includes a feature that shows me when my messages have been read. So I know that most of the messages I’ve sent have been received.

How much response have I gotten? NOTHING. ZIP. NADA. The best I’ve received is one reply, and that happened only once. Had she replied to my second message, I would’ve asked her out. But she didn’t return my response to her questions, so there’s nothing for me to go on.

In another case, I sent someone a message. She’s since logged into the site, but she didn’t even open my message. Such a shame, this one, because I asked her about an activity we both do.

What the blazes is going on here?!?

Ladies, this is a singles site. We each posted our profiles, checked off the interests, and filled out the essays with the primary intent of meeting other people. So do you want to meet people, or not?

If you’re interested in meeting people, are you at least willing to communicate? Just a little?

If you’re not interested in me, could you at least be polite enough to SAY SO? If you aren’t going to reply to my messages, then WTF were you doing contacting me in the first place? Sheesh!

If my messages are coming on too hard, too soft, or however I’m turning you off from me, is it so hard for you to give me SOME feedback, so I can learn what does or does not work??

This is just so damn frustrating! I’ve already contacted more ladies by far in a month than I did all of last year, and last year I at least got a few dates out of it! I don’t have any idea of what, if anything, I’m doing wrong!!!

If this were EBay, I’d be giving you all a LOT of negative feedback! You should be glad I’m venting over here where it ought not to do you any harm.

2

Hey baby, what’s your sign?

3

You know, that’s exactly what those dating sites should offer: user feedback. How fun would that be?

I’m having a similar problem. Not that I’m terribly serious about actually meeting someone through one of these sites. I registered at one for kicks and giggles. Turns out, throughout the entire county I live in, there is not ONE single “match” for me. Had there been one, I would have responded, believe me.

You have got to be kidding. 500,000 people in this county and there is not one man who has anything in common with me? Boggles the mind.

So, evidently I’m looking forward to becoming an “old maid,” because I just don’t think that Tallahassee is going to suddenly develop a bumper crop of educated, intelligent professional men who love animals but don’t want kids. NASCAR and/or FSU fans need not apply. (That’s probably the real problem.)

Wish me luck. And good luck to you too!

4

I can tell you right off, that if you want feedback, you will have to tell the ladies that. Like you and alot of other single people these days, I am on a matchmaker site, too. So far, I have only responded to one message. Why? All the other ones I’ve gotten so far are so full of misspellings and grammar errors that I feel pretty certain they are probably not on my intellectual level. But I would never dream of saying “Hey, you seem like a nice guy and all, but since you can’t even spell the city you live in I doubt we would find much in common.” Sure, I wouldn’t say it like that, but the fact remains no one likes to tell a stranger WHY they’re not interested in getting to know them better.

Incidentally, the guys do the same thing - that one guy I responded to? He never wrote back.

The best advice I can give is…be yourself! You can’t mold yourself to fit every lady’s ideal - that’s impossible because we all like different things! I saw one ad that went something like this: “Looking for a lady whose eyes I can stare deeply into all night long.” Well, I’m sure there are alot of ladies out there who got shivers up there spines who hit the reply button immediately. Me? All I could think of was “Yeah, but, how old are you? Do you have kids? Do you lean left, right, or on the fence? Do you work with your hands or your mind? Do you prefer a tractor pull or the ballet?” I am not in the least bit romantic, so I prefer the ads that tell a little bit about the GUY so I’ll know if we have similar lifestyles, values and attitudes. But I know other ladies swoon over the romantic, yet otherwise empty, ads.

I know you didn’t ask for my advice, but I’ll give it anyway…keep plugging away, and don’t think twice about the ladies who don’t respond. And be yourself.

5

I was on a few dating sites myself. Every single email I sent out went unanswered, with the exception of this one site. I was actually emailing back and forth with two girls, but when I went to try and take the next step and ask them out, they “weren’t ready.” I decided that some of these women are paid to be on the site and drive traffic there. Either that, or they are horrendous bitches. Either way is fine with me, I’m not paying those sites anymore.

6

I know what you mean! I’m sure one of the reasons I don’t get anymore responses than I do is because my ad says something to the effect of “If your main topic of conversation is “Big Brother” or “Survivor” we would not have much in common.” I think that alone would eliminate 75% of the men around here.

7

QUOTE]*Originally posted by Dogzilla *
**because I just don’t think that Tallahassee is going to suddenly develop a bumper crop of educated, intelligent professional men who love animals but don’t want kids. NASCAR and/or FSU fans need not apply. (That’s probably the real problem.) **
[/QUOTE]
And I suppose you want them UNDER age 75? Yeesh, no wonder you’re still single! :wink:

NOT THAT I’M GOING TO USE THE SERVICE, but perhaps someone could start a thread in MPSIMS for straight singles who are looking for a date. (I don’t want to discriminate but our Stunning Sodomites already have one going.) They could at least let it be known they are in the market and maybe one of the likeminded folks here, who may already know and like them as a human being, could hook up. Goodness knows we’ve had a few LTRs come out of this board with no formal mechanism for it.

Aw, hell, why wait for somebody else to do it? I’ve done it before and nobody got killed.

8

This thread reinforces my theory that if, heaven forbid, I were suddenly thrust back into the dating world, I’d be a single, lonely woman.

I’ve always maintained, though, if I found myself single I wouldn’t want to be in another relationship for a very, very, very long time. I’d just want semi-regular sex without all the bullshit that comes along with it.

9

Next time, don’t include your picture in your profile. :smiley:

10

I met Mrs. RickJay through a singles site.

They work. Trust me, I know; they worked for me. I got lots of offers. And I’ve coached my buddy through using them, and my advice worked wonders. But you have to know HOW to use them, and you have to send a lot of messages and accept the Shotgun Principle; 5% response is good and 7.5% is great, so send 200 E-mails and you’ll get good response.

Trust me, they do work.

11

It’s tough out there, and don’t forget that the style of dating site makes a big difference. Places like Match, where you pay per month for unlimited emails, support RickJay’s shotgun approach. The only problem is that the women are often innundated with responses, having to pick through dozens before responding back. Other sites like Nerve and Lavalife use a pay per message system, that’s going to reduce the total number of responses so your competition will be less stiff, but you can’t send out as many messages.

Make sure you have a GOOD picture, write intelligently and be who you are, eventually you’ll get some response.

Dating sites are like employment sites, you’ll send the majority of your letters into the ‘circular file’, but there is always the possibility…

12

I lived in Dallas for a year in 1984-85. A friend of mine, Elaine, signed me up for a dating club there, figuring it would do me good. I figured, what the heck…

You fill out a profile form (first name only, age, height, wieght, smoking/non-smoking, likes, dislikes…you know the drill) Then you do a 2-3 minute video interview. That was kind of cool.

All the ladies profiles were on a set of shelves in a series of 3-ring binders. What you did was to flip through the binder until one lady caught your eye. You looked at her info and if everything was ok, you could check out the video. Still cool? You filled out a form at the front desk, “selecting” the lady. They contacted her, telling her she had been selected by member 12345. She would come in, check YOU out, and if she liked you she gave them the OK. They then gave her your number, gave you her number and the rest was up to you. A pretty neat system.
After 3 weeks and selecting about 12 ladies with no responses (and not being selected once), I decided to try an experiment. I took down my profile (it was in a loose sheet) and made ONE change.

Three days later I had been selected 5 times.

Any bets as to what change I made? You got it…all they were interested in was the size of my wallet. I quit the club that weekend.

13

I have said in a couple of earlier threads on this subject that I have had a very good experience using on-line dating/match services.

I met 10 or 12 very nice and attractive women, and dated three of them. I dated one lady four or five times, one for about 3 months, and my GF and I have now been together for 10 months.

lorinada is right. If you want feedback, ask for it. I always asked for a reply, if only to let me know that they did receive my message.

14

sigh I think luck plays a major factor as well. I’ve actually done some of the techniquies mentioned at match.com, the shotgun approach as well as asking for feedback but I still got zip for responses. Right now I am extremely cynical about my dating abilities; the few girls I’ve actually dated (not from the site) in my life have been manipulative from the core; it kind of scared me out of dating in a way.

15

What’s wrong with meeting people the old-fashioned way?

I had an ad on Emode personals just for kicks and most of the dudes who responded to my ad were definitely not the type of guy I would date. It was as if they didn’t even bother to read the profile. Good thing I was doing it for laughs or else I would have wanted my $14.95 back.

16

I used match.com (or one like that) years ago. My results?

  1. A psycho 17-year-old who lived with her parents, was recovering from a suicide attempt, had been left at the altar a few weeks earlier by her boyfriend who had just shacked up with the best man. (naturally, I didn’t write back)
  2. A 15-year-old who was friendly until I told her that due to age she wasn’t potential-date material for me, then freaked out on me (naturally, I didn’t write back)
  3. Several other folks ranging from the insipid to the scary (“Yeah, my husband’s in prison, but he won’t be out for another six months, and oooh I’d love to run my hands through your hair!”), until finally
  4. A woman that I actually went on several dates with, even cooked dinner for, made out with one night, and then found out that she wasn’t yet over her previous boyfriend and had decided to try to get together with him again.

Pissed, I gave up on the system, drove up to visit my brother for the weekend, planning to get drunk and play videogames and not think once about romance. While up there, I met a friend of his, fell madly in love, and four years later married her.

I did get a fair number of responses to my ad, though, and I think that it’s because I wrote it weird. No “I like to take long walks on the beach and watch old movies”; instead, I wrote three paragraph-long stories. One was a retelling of a smartass Zen parable that I like; one was a description of a beautiful, kudzu-strangled tree I’d seen a few weeks earlier; and one was a recipe for caffeine cookies.

When I was interested in someone else’s description, I’d send them a brief note complimenting something in their description and asking them to read mine. Most folks I wrote to were the type who’d be intrigued by my unusual self-presentation, so I got responses a majority of the time.

Course, the responses tended to be from psychos, so I’m not sure it was ultimately a good strategy :).

Daniel

17

They have something in New York called DateBait.com, which a couple of friends of mine have used with good results. You get tagged, like in the wild, mingle with a lot of people, and write down the numbers of the people you’d like to meet further. When two people write down each others’ numbers, they are notified. Sounds pretty harmless.

18

I’ve gotten plenty of responses from ladies in Russia and the Pihillipines.

Gosh, that’s so far away.

19

And what is the old-fashioned way? Church socials? Yentas? Picking them up in bars? Drinking a lot of Old-Fashioneds and seeing who you wake up with?
Be specific here.

20

Dogzilla, I don’t know that there’s a bumper crop of us, but if I were single, I think I’d fit the profile of an educated (doctoral candidate) man who lives in Tallahassee but hates NASCAR and FSU football. Maybe there are others around town–I don’t really go out that much, though, so I’m not sure where they might be.

If I were you, though, I wouldn’t stay in Tallahassee to become an “old maid.” This city seems to be focused on either families with kids or college students–doesn’t seem to jive with your interests very well (at least not relationship-wise).

As soon as I finish up here, I’m planning to head on to new pastures.