Yeah, some of that. I guess the old fashioned way is meeting people in real, day-to-day life. I look on the outskirts of my circle of friends to meet new guys. It’s not that difficult if you’re mildly social.
I’ve just heard freaky stories about internet dating. Sure, you have a slight chance of meeting someone for real, but most of the time it seems the stories are like the ones Daniel Withrow told. Personally, I’d like to date someone who is friends with someone I know so I can be pretty sure they aren’t a psycho.
Imagine, if you will, that no matter what you do, no matter how you act, the opposite sex isn’t interested. Imagine being in love with someone who loves you like a sibling. Its one of the reasons I’ve given up on dating.
You can be the most social, congenial person in the world, but that doesn’t mean jack shit when it comes to how other people feel about you. Of course, having two X chromisomes helps a lot in the dating department, in that case its more a matter of screening out all the goobers.
I’ve had several people I know ask me if I had a girlfriend/why I don’t have a girlfriend. They’re not trying to be rude, they see how I am as a person and they are rather surprised that there aren’t women out there that find me attractive. I’ve kind of accepted my fate and I’m not any more miserable being single.
Well, I guess we’ll have to disagree here. I’m thinking there wouldn’t be a thriving business in on-line personal ads if meeting peope was that easy.
I see you live in an urban area where potential significant others are thicker on the ground and that may color your perceptions. Live out in the 'burbs where all your friends are married with kids and it’s not that easy. In my experience, it’s brutally difficult to meet anyone, to say nothing of potential dating partners.
I’m not saying that it’s not preferable to have a strong social circle who will act to bring singles together, but not everyone is that fortunate. So maybe your comment was a tad insensitive for a thread on personal ads where the OP is already feeling a bit insecure?
Yeah, well, that’s my opinion on it, insensitive or not. Besides, he’s sitting here complaining that the online personals aren’t helping anyway. Maybe he should try alternate methods of dating.
Eh, I like it here. A lot. Just bought a house in fact. Really, most of the people I know are either not college students and/or do not have kids. The only problem is none of them are single men who are attracted to me!
Intrest-wise, I’m pretty mellow: I like art, books, movies, music, and gardening (and Indy Cars and the Cleveland Browns – but not a rabid, beer-drinking type of fan). Not exactly easy to find like-minded men… When you take a class or join a club that involves my interests, I find rooms full of blue-haired ladies. I’m not sure any city has a plethora of attractive, single guys who like to putter in the garden and would be willing to sleep with two ugly little snorting, farting dogzillas. For me, Tally is just as good as anyplace else for the dating scene.
Let me tell you MY “freaky stories” about dating “the old fashioned way”. Which ones do you want to hear about - the one I “met through a friend” that obsessed about his ex-wife the whole time he was seeing me? The one that’s serving a life sentence for lying in wait outside their son’s daycare center so he could shoot her and her new boyfriend to death? In front of their son? Or how about the one that was the son of a good friend, the one that wrote to me saying he was not allowed to see me anymore because the I had a young son, and after all, the terms of his probation for child molestation prohibited contact with children? And let’s look at my middle-class, suburban church: Yep, only two single adults between the ages of 25 and 65 - me and Harold, the sweet guy with the 68 IQ. So let’s try that painting class at the civic center - hmmmm, all retired couples or bored housewives.
I don’t know how old you are, but believe it or not, the older you get, the harder it is for you to find single people. Ours is a “pair-up” society and that will never change, so many people marry just for the sake of being married. Furthermore, couples are loathe to socialize with singles, becuase of that same pairing-up mentality - they don’t know what to do with the “fifth wheel.” Couples socialize with couples, and single socialize with singles, with a few exceptions being very large parties or outings. Even then I am usually the only single person at those wingdings, because my married friends generally socialize with their other married friends, not a whole lot of single people in their address books. When I was younger this was not a big deal, but now that I’m in my forties I must admit I am the only single person I know. So, my “circle of friends” is not much help, and so far my endeavors to do it “the old fashioned way” have resulted in disasters worse than the so-called computer dating disasters.
Ditto. I’m constantly having to respond with something like “You seem like a very nice lady but you live too far away. I want someone nearby that I can go out with.” Just once I’d like to be able to respond “Wow, that’s only half a mile from where I work. Let’s have lunch on Tuesday!” Actually, I was able to use that second response once. It started out great and then turned into an unholy mess that I’d rather not discuss.
If it’s not Russians or Filipinos, then it’s spam for porn sites. These REALLY piss me off. Does anyone actually fall for these?
They always add that “LOL”. No matter how they word their spiel it always includes “LOL” somewhere in it. There must be a manual: “How to make money preying on lonely guys on the internet”, and it must say something like “always use ‘LOL’ somewhere in the message to make it sound cutesy and personal”. Am I the only one who gets inundated with these? I think half the women on some of these sites are fakes!
I’d imagine it’s not that hard that they couldn’t do it…but realistically that “delete” button is a whole lot easier.
If you got a lot of responses and you weren’t interested in them, would you honestly tell each person what it was that turned you off? I sure wouldn’t.
I was on match.com for about a month. I didn’t receive one reply from all the e-mails I sent out. A waste of $39 and however many hours. Check out the current GQ thread on the site. Overwhelming opinion: it sucks.
I have been on (another dating site) for three weeks now. Result: I am going on a date TONIGHT! (And probably one with another woman next week.) So, it may not be you…
I, and a couple of friends, have experience with dating sites, back before the internet when these things were done by phone and mail!
My advice, for what it’s worth…I think it applies to both sexes bit will right from a guys point of view.
Do not put any hope in any particular person, no matter how it looks like you match well. She could say she likes skiing, traveling and speaking German. You could speak fluent German and ski in the Alps every year and you will not hear back from her. The ‘shotgun’ approach mentioned above is the way to go. Do not be hurt by any lack of response and ‘rejection’.
Many ads are placed by friends/family of single women without their knowledge. These women are many times very unattractive. They also usually will not talk with you after all the time spent with the ‘friend’.
Many ads are placed by married women looking for excitement and attention. They have no intention of meeting you.
In addition, I think many of the ads are not who they say they are. They could be guys or kids or who knows what. If someone will not talk to you over the phone, ditch them quick. Even if they are legit, why waste time with someone who doesn’t want to talk?
Unlike what other people have said, avoid giving much information. Write something like ‘I saw your ad in blah blah blah and it looks like we have much in common’. Would you like to talk? Enclosed is my phone number and recent picture.’ If you give too much info it can only disqualify you. If it is too long they won’t read it anyway and if you get sappy then it will scare them away. Short and to the point. If she likes your picture then she will call to ask you all sorts of information.
Get the pictures exchanged very quickly. I know it isn’t right and it’s shallow but for 99% of the population, looks are a deal breaker. You could have the witt of Seinfeld, be a genius and all that but women (and men) will dismiss someone as a potential romantic partner within .001 milliseconds of seeing them. Do not try to get her to meet you in order to ‘give you a chance’. Just send her your picture and take your lumps.
Like someone above said, have a professional, good looking picture taken. Not a glamor photo but a picture of you taken by a professional. Groom up for it.
If you do get her to go out with you, make the first date very short, say at a coffee shop for 30-60 min. You want to allow her/yourself a time to be gracious and not look for an excuse to end the date early. Do not ask her out for a second date at that time.
Keep non-face to face chit chat to a minimum. It is easy to fall into the ‘phone/mail/email’ buddy role. If she wants to talk for extended periods of time, she can do it on a date.
Personals ads are not a waste of time. There are actually decent women in them. You just need to use them right. It is a tool for meeting face to face. You just need to cut through the 95% crap to find the real thing much like else in life.
I’ll go through what worked for me, since I’m a guy and managed to have some success.
Different sites have different formats, but generally speaking your ad will include basic information about your appearance, probably some info about things like location and smoking preference and such, and a small blurb.
Be honest with your ad but stretch positive. If you’re overweight at 230, say 215, nobody can tell the difference anyway. Don’t say 170.
Your blurb should include one joke. It should not be negative … don’t say you hate Survivor (no offense, lorinada) because even people who don’t like Survivor are not inclined to answer a person who defines themselves in negative terms. I wouldn’t, and I hate Survivor, too. Define yourself positively. Always mention your one favourite pastime, just in case someone else who shares it is triggered to respond.
Do not be overly specific about what you want. If you knew exactly what you wanted, you’d be married to them right now. Define a BROAD age range - “someone 31-33” is too thin - and if you care about smoking/non-smoking, mention that. That’s about it. Don’t say you only want Democrats or brunettes or any of that crap - you’re a damn fool if you really restrict yourself that way anyway.
Your ad should be IMPECCABLY spelled, constructed, punctuated and written. If your written English is a little poor, get a friend to review it. Hell, send it to me, I’ll do it. Even people who are themselves less than ideally literate are impressed by literate people. Specifically suggest people write you.
Remember, guys, that even a very good ad will likely not be browsed and responded to by a lady without your prompting. Women have enough E-mail to deal with. In all likelihood, most women who see your ad will see it because YOU send them an E-mail, which on all dating sites provides a lickety-split link to your mail. Make sure your mail is not inconsistent with your ad and remember what you wrote.
Here’s a good ad:
Okay, that’s a little lame, but you get the general idea.
Try to avoid making physical demands. (If you’re slim and tall…) I’m not saying, AT ALL, that having physical preferences is bad; it’s not. Physical attraction is a critical part of love. If you don’t like short/bald guys or heavy/uberskinny women, so be it. But people tend to be made nervous by physical requirements; a woman you might think has a sexy figure may interpret your “Athletic physique” requirement as excluding her because she has a Jennifer Lopez-type ass.
In my next installment I will discuss the Ad Selection and Mail process.
HOWEVER, a class at a community college might work, especially if it’s a night class in something that is generally thought of as more for people of the opposite sex. I was the only guy in my Interior Design classes and there was a vast assortment of ladies ranging from “nice!” to “WOW!” Had I been shopping… So think of something guys like that you could find interesting and give it a shot. It can be cheaper than a dating service and you get college credit.
If it’s any consolation, gay men are no better. I must have sent out 50 emails through Yahoo personals and I got 5 replies. Of those I met four, two of whom now ignore me (which is fine with me actually because they were both freaks who drank), one of whom did the “oh, I’m real busy but I’ll call you real soon” thing until I gave up and one I don’t know what his damage is. The rest either didn’t respond at all or responded once and ignored the follow-up. Gay.com is full of guys looking to hook up but apparently no one who’s interested in dating (so why put “relationship/dating” in your profile, guys?) I haven’t tried some of the more common straight-oriented sites to see if there’s a gay section but since I don’t really want to spend lots of money on more wastes of time I probably won’t bother.
Otto, I thought that’s what the Stunning Sodomites thread was for. If it is not (disproving my preconceptions about gay guys being, first and foremost, GUYS and therefore using every opportunity presented them to get laid) at least one gay guy has posted his profile in the dating thread.
I feel better today. I just needed to vent my frustration for a bit. I appreciate the shared stories and the “hang in there” supportive comments. Thanks, folks.
Now it’s time to get productive about this situation, and work on improving my get-a-date skills. Also, hopefully this work on my skills will be useful to some of the other people who’ve posted their struggles in this thread and other threads.
This, as it happens, is probably the rub in the nubbin. Before this year, I was not significantly social and outgoing. I’ve been working HARD on my social & interpersonal skills, and for the last two months I’ve been in a course (which runs another 3 weeks) to strongly change my attitudes about dealing with people and with myself. I’ve had limited opportunity to use these new skills and attitudes in real life, “in the field” if you will, due to a full schedule.
Now my schedule is freeing up. I’ve got these new skills for dealing with people and these new outgoing attitudes, and I’m looking for opportunities to use them. I’m now up to two issues, one old and one new, that Indygrrl noted:
I never developed an understanding of ways to meet people in day-to-day life. Some of this I’ve developed in the last few months and I need to put myself into strengthening this area just like I spent the last few months putting myself into my martial arts competitions. (Which I’ve mentioned in a few other threads at times.)
My interests have changed, and I’m disassociating from my old circle of friends due to a lack of current common interests. The closest thing I have now to a circle of friends is the martial arts team; a major objective for me for the next few months is to develop a new group of friends. Which gets back to point #1: I used to be very not-good at going out and meeting people.
So where do I go from here?
First, I need to find ways of going out and meeting people, to work on my skills at meeting people. At this point, dating is not a primary emphasis, as I need to reinforce and refine my new interpersonal skills.
Second, I need to go over the messages I’ve sent on the dating site, and see where I can improve my written communication skills.
Third, I may want to hunt down TruePisces and arrange for some private tutoring from the Straight Dope Flirt Academy.
Next week I may want to start a MPSIMS thread for the SDMB Singles Support Sircle, as constructive discussion definitely belongs outside the Pit.
My two year stint in Florida was one long dry spell.
I worked about 20 miles west of downtown Orlando. Orlando’s road network is configured in a way that makes accessibility to the western suburbs difficult from the rest of the metro area; to avoid a “commute from hell,” I had to live fairly close to work.
I would be having a great conversation with a woman … that is, until I told them that I lived in Ocoee. A couple of seconds later, it’s “buh bye.”
I discovered that what seems like 80% of the “quality” single women in Orlando live north of downtown, in the I-4 corridor – Altamonte Springs, Winter Park, Longwood, Oviedo and thereabouts. It’s fairly easy to get from the “north side” to just about every part of the metro area – except the “west side,” where I lived. Outside of rush hour, it would take at least a half hour drive for me to reach Altamonte Springs, which seems to be the epicenter of Orlando’s single population.
Singles on the “west side?” Almost nonexistent. Lots of haggard women of a rural Confederate cultural orientation in Winter Garden (I may sound elitist, but what would I have in common with a woman that has a femullet and a big “3” sticker in the back window of her truck?); tons of wealthy families in Windermere, and in Ocoee, I was supposedly one of a very few single folk in a city of 25,000. In Ocoee, the average household size is 3.1, even in apartments.
BTW, I had my profile on match.com when I was living there. I’ll just say that I got more responses to my ad the first week after moving to Kansas than I did in my entire tenure in the Sunshine State. Strange, but true.
