How's this online personals thing supposed to work anyway? (semi-rant)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So at the age of 37, I am single again. I’ll spare the details except to say that I left my ex about 2.5 months ago. I’m still sorting out a few things in my head, but owing to the circumstances of that relationship, I am champing at the bit to meet someone(s) smart and interesting, get out and have some good times.

Unfortunately I don’t know a lot of smart, interesting single people, so I’m hooked up in this online personals thing. (A FastCupid site, if that helps.) I’ve read quite a few profiles that sound very interesting, worth a few email exchanges at any rate. So I’ve sent a few emails out. In some cases, weeks ago.

Haven’t heard a peep back. Not a one.

Now, my beef – and my question – does not concern the failure of these women to find me attractive. I totally understand and can deal. My question is: shouldn’t an email merit at least a “thanks, but not interested”? The site’s email system even includes a bunch of canned responses you can send to someone if you can’t be bothered to write from scratch: Thanks, but I’m looking for someone younger; Thanks, but I don’t think we’d hit it off; or just Thanks, but I’m not interested. With no response to go by, I wonder: is she still thinking about it? Saving it for a rainy day, as it were? Did she, perhaps, forget? (Men tend to outnumber women on these things, so I’m sure the women I’ve contacted have gotten a lot more attention than I have.)

I’m a little peeved – here is the rant part – because the whole point of services like this is to meet new people. It’s not like I’m drunkenly going up to some stranger at a concert and telling her I like her tattoo. We’re all here for basically the same thing, are we not? So let’s be grownups and take care of business.

Anyway, rant over. I’m just wondering if anyone with experience in online-personals etiquette can shed any light on this. Should non-response legitimately be interpreted as non-interest? Or do some people like a display of persistence? Is the whole online personals scene a waste of time? Should I find a book group?

Appreciate your responses. And please note that IRL I am not nearly so peevish as this post would suggest. :slight_smile:

2

Get used to it. People are cowards and they’d rather not have to deal with the unpleasantness of telling someone “No”; or worse yet, “Why” they said “No”. Don’t take it personal, that’s just the way it is.

3

Women on personals sites are deluged with responses. They’re not responding to you because there’s just no expectation they will if they aren’t interested; they’d be sending a LOT of responses. It’s standard etiquette on dating sites.

4

Hmm. Guess they can’t really put that in the FAQs, can they?

5

How do dating sites work? Well first you find an ad from a woman who looks interesting, but is in fact a 14 year old boy, then you send them your pic, which they harvest and share with their friends for the lulz. Simple. :stuck_out_tongue:

6

Not really. Dating sites wouldn’t do well if they told you that the average turn-around for finding a date after putting up your profile is 7 days for women and 6 months for men. (Values given are from my recollection of an older thread on the subject.)

7

To the book group, then. Thanks for the replies.

8

My response was a little tongue in cheek and I shouldn’t pooh pooh it too much - some people have had success with dating sites and they generally emphasize spending a lot of time crafting an interesting profile and initial contact letter. A simple “Hi there! etc etc” is not enough to interest most people. Good luck!

9

This has certainly been my experience. A female friend complained that she was only getting a handful (about half a dozen) unsolicited e-mails a week, and only a few of them meeting her (fairly narrow criteria); I had to refrain from pointing out that I’d received fewer replies in four months from the couple of hundred messages I sent out. I want to have sympathy for her but it’s actually quite frustrating.

I suspect this is even more true than you think it is.

Unfortunately, I don’t know any other effective method to meet women. In all of the outdoor activities I engage in the women come already accompanied by a boyfriend or are so pounced upon by the multitude of other guys that I don’t even have a chance to quote Blake at her. Then again, perhaps most women aren’t into the poetry of William Blake. Ah, fuggit, I have a nice bottle of Jameson 1780 here and a stack of Graham Greene novels here anyway…

Stranger

10

Speaking as a woman that is also new to online personals, I can give you my perspective.

I try to do this, but sometimes I forget and then it’s been a week and there’s a bunch of other messages not to mention the laundry…

You’re not, but some guys are and it can be hard to sort them out in emails. I’ve gotten messages from guys 20 years older or 15 years younger who have nothing in common with me and “casual encounters” or some other euphemism in their profile, which I do not. Once you’ve waded through these, you don’t have time or patience for a guy that might be ok, just not for me.

I’m tabbing between this and the personals site. Got a message from a guy 10 years younger than me with marginal compatibility (50% in this site’s system). I IM’d back that I’m not interested, and he messages back “hehe why not”. Unfortunately, that guy makes it harder for nice guys by providing a negative reinforcement for responding. On the upside, I found the setting to block IM’s by age.

Probably; maybe some but not me; I know plenty of people in relationships who met online; can’t hurt.

I can’t speak for others, but the responses that were likeliest to get a response were ones that mentioned a specific part of my profile. Some messages looked like they could have been pasted into 50 messages to other people. I liked ones that gave me some idea of what they’re interested in, a reason to reply. Also helpful were grammar and the occasional capital letter.

Best of luck.

11

I’m not the only one who sees a potential match here am I?

Nonsuch, I’d like to introduce you to Pigs in Space. You two have a little something in common if I’m not mistaken. You are members of a “club” that advertises a battle against ignorance. Why not talk about the various ways you like to battle ignorance? :wink:

12

I’ll offer you another woman’s perspective. Women often don’t reply to say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” or something similar, because then the rejected men will often reply insisting that the woman give them a chance–repeatedly–or will reply with a torrent of abuse. Tell me, would you want to deal with either of those? I quit sending polite rejection replies after the fourth or fifth “Aw, you’re a fat ugly bitch anyway, I don’t know why I bothered” response to said polite rejection reply.

I’ve been using online dating on and off for about six years (ouch) and have only recently met someone who wasn’t a complete goober, so I am not all that sanguine about the whole thing myself.

13

This is so true. After a few insults by men with bruised egos, you learn it is better to just move on.

Of course it is rude. Blame it on the men who don’t know how to play nice.

I also agree with being specific and referencing some fact in the profile. There are many that are so obviously cut and pasted.

14

All of the people here are correct. After the blizzard of e-mails, and subsequent blizzard of rude e-mails that follow polite rejection, it becomes easier to simply delete messages that don’t interest us.

So here’s what you do. Immediately (and casually) work in your exorbitant financial worth and penis size into all messages you send.

15

I am on (way too many) dating sites as well, and I have never gotten a “Thanks but no thanks” reply from a woman. I have gotten a few “If only I didn’t smoke, we’d be a perfect match” e-mails, which I normally reply to and give them a courtesy “When you quit smoking, look me up!” or something cute response. I always reply if someone sends me a message, even if only to say “Thanks but not thanks” or “Damn, if only you weren’t in Russia!!”

I’ve just resigned myself to being terminally single anyway!

16

I’m a woman and I’ve been using online dating services for over 10 years (yes yes, in those 10 years I have met plenty of guys - it’s not a one-time thing) and it’s not just women who don’t reply. Men don’t reply either. It’s just The Way Things Work.

I used to feel bad if I didn’t reply but then I realized I wasn’t getting replies either, so it’s no big deal.

Plus, I have maybe 5 accounts out there on different sites. Half of them require me to pay to be able to respond. I won’t pay unless there’s someone in my inbox or in search results that I really think is worth the $30 or whatever (plus the time spent making sure I don’t get charged again in a month). And, right now I’m not single. But I’m not going to go through and take down all my ads because they just don’t get that many hits anyway. Easier for me to leave them up and ignore the 2 guys who may say hey this year.

Don’t think of online dating sites as large pools of women waiting for you to contact them, and signing up entitles you to endless dates until you find the one you really like. They’re full of people with lives, with tastes, with peculiarities.

Some people might only be there because they were really lonely 3 weeks ago and thought it’d be fun to see who’s out there, but haven’t had a free moment since.

Or maybe they found 5 nice guys right away and are having enough of a hard time dealing with that, but they’re not quite un-single yet so the profile stays up.

Or maybe they’re just not that into you.

Online dating is not a magic bullet. It’s not for everyone. It’s also not as strange and mysterious and different as meeting people IRL. Sure, it’s much easier to approach a woman via message after reading her profile than it is getting to know her that well in passing at Starbucks…but it’s also much easier for her just to blow you off.

Don’t give up on it right away. It’s not “this or the book club.” It’s just another thing.

17

Find some profiles you really like. When you write them a note, bring your “A” game. Really bring it. Be genuine, honest, sincere and unique…as it relates to their profile. Is a certain pic your favorite? Say it, but tell her why. Don’t be generic. Don’t go overboard, either.

Flattery from the heart that shows a bit of who you are is a good thing. Never use a line and never grovel or seem desperate.

Think about what the girl you’re writing to is getting: Rotten grammar, canned comments like “you’re cute”, except they are written like this: “your cute”.

Also, be honest about your appearance. Most guys try to bat out of their league so to speak, because they are imagining something rather than accepting something.

You can bat out of your league only if your profile grabs her, and she reaches out to you, and then you think, “Damn, her profile rocks and she is hotter than I thought I’d attract.” Then you have permission granted to try and bat out of your league.

18

If I can add some more advice,

  1. Make sure your profile has a flattering picture of you - profiles without pictures are generally ignored, and

  2. Make sure someone else checks your profile.

We’ve had a few people run their profiles by the SDMB and most of them were, if not really terrible, at least full of things that needed fixing.

19

Those are the good ones. Way too many write “ur cute,” “ur kut” or “ur koot.”

20

Multiple pics in different settings, too. Big help.

(BTW, I found the love of my life via Match. We both approached it with dignity and honesty. She is a teacher and now director at a private academy. Without good grammar and some introspective comments, I would not have cut it. I spoke about her profile, and my email meant something to her. She said I stood out, far and above hundreds of contacts she got weekly. I can send you the email I sent her. I am not shy about it. It was easy to write, because it was honest.)