After my recent break up, I decided the best way to mend my broken heart is to get back on that horse and date around a little bit. So I am.
I signed up on match.com not really knowing the first thing to expect out of the whole deal. I figured the guy is the one who will probably do the first contact, so I’ve been sending out some emails, making sure they’re personalized to the profile I’m reading.
Through my limited experiences, it seems like the vast majority of people don’t even bother replying. Is this standard? I get an email back on about 1 out of 3 I send. Am I doing something wrong, or is this just how it works?
Is every replied email basically a guaranteed date, or should there be some volleying of emails back and forth before the date offer?
Give me the basics on this whole deal. I’m completely blind.
My sister signed up for a few of these dating sites also and from what I understand, 1 out of 3 is not so bad. A lot of people who sign up for these sites either:
Forgot they signed up and never follow up with the sign up.
Might not be as interested in you (nothing personal, but some people are selective and not as polite in responding to e-mails).
Are married.
My sister has dated a few guys she met on these sites and has not had much luck (specifically the site you mentioned). She has met some weirdos, a stalker, and a few guys who just wanted sex. The most recent one was married, claimed to work for the associated press and the last thing he told her (when he stood her up) was that he had a last minute interview with Hugo Chavez.
She has more luck with eharmony, believe it or not.
Back when I was still making some attempt to date, the response rate I got was about 1:50 from Match.com and a couple of other services (sample size ~600). I, too, tried to write personal, three paragraph, eqoluent, clever e-mails, but in the end, I pretty much had a standard message that I’d sub in a few personal details and let fly. (This permitted me to get back to my whiskey quicker, as I found composing a coherent response after more than two jiggers of Black Bush to result in too many spelling and grammatical errors, though in retrospect it still would have been more coherent than many received from presumably sober correspondents.)
I wouldn’t set your expectations too high, but then, I’m coloring with my own experience, which has been on the sore side of successful in any dating venue. If you’re getting a response from 1 in 3 I’d say you’re doing pretty damn good.
After wasting about two hours of my life filling out eHarmony’s survey, I got a response telling me that I wasn’t suited or they couldn’t match someone to me. Aside from an utter eschewal of religion I’m pretty vanilla. I can’t figure out what I do that is so offensive in the eyes of Dr. Neil Clark Warren, but in retrospect, I don’t think I’d be well suited to the population of doe-eyed lobotomy victims that eHarmony presents in their ads as satisfied customers.
Well, it worked for me, so now I tell everyone I know who’s single and looking and giving up that they should get their butts online.
Yes, most people will ignore your e-mails. Most of the ones who reply will be strange creepy needy people. But it’s a much quicker way of meeting and weeding out a lot of potential partners. After sending a few emails you can tell whether someone’s worth dating or not. I’d recommend exchanging some e-mail or instant messaging for a while before committing to a date, because sometimes you get to know the person a little better and realize that they’re not quite what you’re looking for. Or, that they’re absolutely perfect for you!
My best experiences were with the site OKCupid. It’s free, and you answer hundreds of questions about your views and values and opinions, and you can also indicate what your ideal match would answer to the same questions. If Match.com is working well for you, though, keep it up!
Not just great, but incredible. I did not get one reply from the 30 or so emails that I sent out. And I was very careful to only send to women with whom had a high interest match. 1 in 3 is amazing.
I’ll agree that a 1-in-3 response rate is very good, bordering on phenomenal. As far as the date:response ratio, IME it’s much lower than 1:1 (I won’t say just how much lower, as it would send me spiraling into depression ), but then I don’t get a 1:3 response ratio either.
Really, just go with the flow. A few e-mails back and forth are the norm, but IMHO the sooner you meet in person the better, so do whatever works and feels comfortable for you.
Others have already said it, on in three from match.com is outstanding for a man. A large number of profiles are from people who are still log on every week or so but whose paid membership has expired. It looks like they’re active but they’re not. They can’t even read your email.
I have had a ton of luck with craigslist plus it’s free. I should ad that by “luck” I mean have met a lot of women in person. Most first dates end right at the first date due to mutual disinterest or whatever. In the last year I have dated four women for a few weeks each and met all of them on craigs.
1 in 3 is sounding better and better, but to be fair I’ve only sent out like 10 emails, so I’ve gotten only gotten 3 responses. Not the best sample for my ratio, I guess.
I’ll give OKCupid and craigslist a shot too… my city just recently got a craigslist, so I probably won’t have as much luck there as an established one. Still worth a shot.
I’ve met a very good female friend through these, but for the most part it is very hard to find
someone with whom you have any sort of chemistry with (on any or all levels-at least it was
for me).
Yeah, congrats on the 1 in 3 rate. Don’t be surprised if some of them just stop answering your emails though. It is rare that someone will write back specifically to reject you.
My usual strategy is to send emails back and forth with the person for at least a couple of weeks until I feel fairly confident they’re not crazy/dangerous before meeting in person.
If all goes well, then set up a low-pressure, brief meeting (coffee or something of that nature). I do think that the online thing makes it a lot easier to screen the true weirdos out beforehand. So far I have had decent results doing that. All of my dates have been at least mediocre, no truly horrible ones yet thankfully.
Oh yeah, and I agree that the chemistry issue is tricky. If someone seems nice on the first date but no sparks fly, personally I would recommend giving them at least 1 or 2 more dates just to see if something develops. Trying to get used to being around someone in person can be awkward even if you hit it off really well online.
I’ve been dating via online channels exclusively for 10 years now. It seems so much easier and more practical to me than having to leave home and be out at specific times of day to meet people
I ususally make myself a nice profile (I’ve used Yahoo pretty much exclusively since 1999 or so), contact as many boys as I find that I might like, and wait. Usually I give out my screen name, too. Yahoo lets you use a pseudonym screen name and let people know when you’re online.
Sometimes I even forego the email contact and chat guys up right on the spot.
For some reason I find it really easy to tell if a guy I’m chatting with will be a good match. We’ll chat for a week or so and if we want, meet. So far I’ve made one lifelong friend, had one intense 3-year relationship, and a couple of under-a-year relationships. Even a one-night stand
Just remember that it’s still pretty early and you had a rocky breakup. Be sure to DATE for a while (a handful of girls you like to go out and have fun with) instead of trying to figure out if each woman you email will be THE ONE.
Absolutely. I’ve never really just dated around, so I’m actually kind of excited to do that now.
Anyway, hajario mentioned that people may log in who actually can’t read my email or reply. I’ve mostly stuck to people whose profile says they’ve logged in within the last week. Does the response rate go down dramatically if they haven’t logged in for a couple weeks?
Also, while the emailing thing is going on before the date, are there phone calls? I absolutely, positively hate having phone conversations, so I hope this isn’t the case.
OKCupid gets a lot of hype on the SDMB, but I found that even in the fairly large city where I live, there’s not that many women older than 30 on the site. Of those that are, almost all of them are obese and/or have a “rural Southern cultural orientation”.
No, it’s not a dating site per se, but if you’re reasonably good-looking and have an interesting profile, women will flock to you. Granted, some of them can be crazy or flaky, but they’re fairly easy to weed out.
Bonus points are incurred if your profile says that you’re single, but you didn’t add “Dating/Serious Relationships” to it. That makes you sound desperate. Just leave it at “Friends.”
I’ve had well over a dozen women (including a recent one that actually seems to like my socially inept self and wants to see me again!) contact me in the last few months.
Aside from people I know IRL, no guy has ever requested a Friend add from me.
People seem to know the deal on MySpace. “Friends” rarely ever means “friends” when it comes to the opposite sex.
Aside from an utter eschewal of religion I’m pretty vanilla. I can’t figure out what I do that is so offensive in the eyes of Dr. Neil Clark Warren, but in retrospect, I don’t think I’d be well suited to the population of doe-eyed lobotomy victims that eHarmony presents in their ads as satisfied customers.
), but then I don’t get a 1:3 response ratio either.