I’ve been trying out OKCupid, and when I send someone a message and get no reply I think, “OK, they’re not interested.” And I’m fine with that - probably better than being told I’m homely or something.
So I got a message from a woman the other day, decided I’m not interested in her, and I didn’t respond. Today she sent me a second message, and I’m wondering if I’m being rude ignoring her.
If I were to respond saying I’m not interested, should I say WHY?
In this case, it’s because she has kids and I don’t do well dating single moms. I’m far too selfish for that. But is that something she would perhaps be better off not hearing from me?
Courtesy is a good thing. If someone writes an actual email – as opposed to a spammy unpersonalized message – I’ll usually write back and say “Thanks for your nice note, but I don’t think we’re a good match. Best of luck in your adventures.” Takes ten seconds and keeps the karma good.
On OkCupid the overwhelming norm is to ignore people you’re not interested in. Every girl (with the exception of one) I’ve messaged that’s responded has seemed interested (even if only at first). When girls message me and I’m not interested I typically ignore them. There have been a few exceptions (for example, recently I’ve gotten a few compliments on my profile- I always say thanks), though. If it were normal to send responses letting people know that you’re not interested then I’d be more than happy to do that. That courtesy hasn’t been extended to me so I don’t think anything of it.
I’ve never been messaged by a girl after having ignored her, though. Not related to your question but I suggest rethinking your attitudes towards single moms. It’s possible to date them without ever meeting their kids.
I’ve heard women (here on the SDMB) say they have better luck with not responding to guys if they’re not interested. Less likely to wind up with an E-stalker if you just leave it alone.
Personally, I just don’t respond either. But then 95% of the emails I get look like their written on a phone. I’ve chosen to not reply to emails (or even look at profiles) that use text message style writing or have really really bad grammar.
Here’s a real world example. I didn’t even look at her profile “ur little girl is a cutie; how old is she? I lke ur profile; u ever been to the [local bar]”
I know I’m being picky, but if you can’t find the time to write words out, check your spelling, add some punctuation and so on and so forth, I’m not interested. You’re making your first impression, put a little effort in to it.
There was actually one website I was on that would tell you if someone read your mail. If she read it, and didn’t respond in, say, 24 hours, you knew not to expect anything. That was nice.
I actually proposed a simple Not interested button at the end of messages that would make it even better. It could even include something like a Wikipedia summary for why you aren’t interested.
Where I do think it is gauche not to respond is if you have actually engaged in conversation before. That’s where it bugs me. Until you respond, I have no illusions that anything is happening. And if you are the one who initiated, it’s even worse.
Match.com will let you know if the person read it for an extra fee, but for regular members you get one VIP email per week that not only lets you know if the person read it, but for 30(?) days it stays at the top of their inbox.
Also at the bottom of each email and wink you receive there’s a link that says “Send a polite ‘No Thank You’” which automatically sends something to the sender telling you they aren’t interested.
All the dating sites that I’ve looked at allow you to send both winks and emails (and save someone as a favorite which IMO is the same as a wink). I’ve always said I’d like to see a site set up in such a way that to initiate contact you MUST send a wink, if the other person winks back then you can send an email. If they don’t wink back, you can’t do anything about it. That would stop a lot of people from sending off multiple emails to the same person. You would, of course, be limited to X amount of winks per day and when you sent a wink to a person it would be good for, say, 30 days. Once it expires you could resend it (maybe there would be a waiting period). This eliminates the whole wink vs email thing and cut down on people sending email after email to someone that doesn’t want it.
Here’s another example of someone I wouldn’t look twice at
"i MY NAME IS LAURA AND I AND I HAVE 3 OLDER SISTERS AND MY PARENTS ARE BOTH TEACHERS AND I A DOG NAMED HURRY MOSTER DOG AND LIZ THE OLDEST IS GETTING MARRIED IN DEC. ON NEW YEARS SHE IS A DOCTOR AND WELL I JUST STAY HOME AND I CAN’T NOT DRIVE AND I WILL TELL YOU LATER WHY I LIKE A MAN WITH CARING AND LOVEING AND HAS MONEY, AND KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS IN A WOMEN TO AND HAS A JOB HAS A FAMILY "
(her headline mentions that she has seizures…which is probably the reason she can’t drive).
I have responded saying I wasn’t interested. Didn’t say why, didn’t apologize or anything, just said “thanks but no thanks.” Most of the guys I’ve done this with have messaged me back saying something along the lines of “wow, thank you for actually responding,” and accepted my rejection gracefully.
So I think it’s a courteous thing to do. You’re not obligated to, but it’s a nice gesture. I suppose there is the possibility of getting a stalker, but I’ve not had a problem with this.
If you’re not interested in kids or having kids, dating a mom is a bad idea, in my opinion. Unless you’re only looking for a relationship that doesn’t go anywhere, sooner or later it will be a deal-breaker.
I used the same criteria when I was doing the online dating thing. I think the way someone writes really does tell you quite a bit about them - people who wrote badly weren’t people I wanted to get to know for a serious relasitonship.
The OP - I think you need to respond in the way that works for your style - if you’d feel right about ignoring her, do so, but if you’d feel better about a quick, “Sorry, not interested,” that would work too.
Of all the people I’ve emailed or winked at only one has sent a “thanks but no thanks” email. About a month later (due to one little thing I changed in my profile) she replied to my email.
I have never been messaged first by a girl. fake, melodramatic sobbing
If I’m not interested in the girl, but I find something interesting in her profile, then I will message her anyway. Sometimes you can meet a friend, and the conversations can be fun anyways. The girl can usually tell when you’re not interested in that way.
Do not respond. What is the other person an idiot. Obviously if someone was interested in you they’d reply. What part of that is so difficult to understand.
I used to try to be polite and all it gets you back is hostility. “Why don’t you like me?” “Oh so I’m not good enough for you.” “You ain’t all that where you can be rejecting others.” And so forth.
If someone likes you they will reply. If they don’t reply, it should be obvious except to the most dense, there’s no interest. It doesn’t matter WHY there is no interest and you are not there as a therapist but as a potential partner.
So what good would it do if the OP told the lady he wasn’t interested in her because of her kids? It would either make her mad, or it would cause her to conceal the fact from that point on so she could get the “foot in the door” then reveal she has kids.
Is it better to do that THEN get rejected?
It may sound rude but in the end it saves a lot of time. If you’re not interested, just ignore them. Save yourself a lot of grief.
