I’ve just entered the wonderful world of online dating (a prize to anyone who can pick out my ad in this week’s Chicago Reader!), and am now faced with a quandry which I should have expected, but somehow didn’t. I’ve gotten some pretty interesting responses to my ad; all but one respondent so far has seemed a) at least mildly interesting, and b) not completely psycho.
So I’m now faced with a small triage project. (Keep in mind that I’ve never been much of a dater in the traditional sense of meeting guys in bars, or other casual pickup-type situations, so I haven’t developed the thick skin that most people my age who have been “on the market” have probably developed. Also, I’ve spent much of my adult life in various long-term relationships of varying degrees of suitability, or lack thereof, so I haven’t had a lot of dating practice per se.)
There is no way in hell I would ever want to date something like 15 guys at once, so I will have to do some phone/e-mail screening. I placed an ad once before about three years ago, and against my first instincts, agreed to go out for coffee with a guy who by the specifics he mentioned in his voice mail response should have been fairly interesting, but when we talked, my gut told me he would be boring as hell, if not creepy. I’m too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, though, so I did go out with him once, and he turned out to be the most excruciatingly boring person I have ever spent 90 minutes with.
After that, I really promised myself to trust my first impressions better this time. However, I still believe that people, even if they are complete strangers and extremely boring, or even borderline creepy, deserve to be treated with respect. So if I call these guys, and they sound perfectly decent but just don’t do anything for me on the phone, how can I politely tell them thanks, but I’m not interested in meeting in person?
I concur, with the minor addendum that the more effort and creativity and individuality this person put into any responses they sent you, the more effort I think you should put into letting them down gently, etc. If a guy saw your ad, thought “eh, seems like there might be something there”, and there isn’t, no biggy. If he saw it, became hugely infatuated and spent three hours crafting a super-personalized letter/email, then the least you can do is spend 20 minutes responding, even if it’s with a turndown
I did personals dating for awhile, and there were a couple of times where either
-I totally unimpressed the woman I was talking with; or
-the woman I was talking with was an uberflake.
At any rate, a couple of times, a woman failed to show up to a date she was supposed to meet me on. I would much rather have been told, “Thanks, but you’re too much of a mouthbreather for my tastes,” or whatever.
Of course, a simple, “thanks, but I don’t think so,” would be fine.
Eva Luna, after I read your line about it being in the Reader, I was hoping like hell you were the Jewish woman looking for “long walks, quiet dinners, coitus” or something to that effect. (I keep telling my Jewish boyfriend he needs to find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with, and peruse the personals in hopes of finding one for him) But that ad’s gone, sadly, so it can’t be yours. Man, that coitus thing cracked me the hell up.
Re: your dilemma, I find it MUCH easier to blow people off via e-mail. Cold hearted as it may be, if I don’t have to hear their voice or look at them, I don’t have to see their disappointment, minor as it may be. So my advice would be to do as much screening, at least initially, by email. At least, that’s what I did during my Reader dating foray.
Plus, I didn’t put the Jewish part in my ad, for fear of people assuming that I would only date Jewish guys, which is not the case. I figure I may have ruled out some nice Jewish guys, but at least one respondent so far is Jewish, but responded anyway. In fact, so far he’s the leading candidate; we have a ridiculous amount of stuff in common.
At the end of the phone conversation, say “I’ve gotta run – it was nice talking to you.” If they ask about seeing you, say “I’m pretty busy right now, let me check my schedule and send you email.” Then, don’t email them. (If they don’t ask, don’t bring it up.)
They’ll get the message. It’s the standard blow-off, and is probably the least hurtful on average, IMO. Some people prefer more honesty, some less, so you’ll never please everyone.
Or, if you prefer, you can email them and tell them that you enjoyed talking to them, but didn’t feel you two were a good match. Thanks, good luck, blah blah blah. I think no email is kinder than a rejection email, no matter how nicely phrased (as one can always cling to the illusion that you are actually just too busy), but that’s just a personal opinion.
Could you just be honest and say you didn’t feel like you really hit it off? If it’s at the email stage, you could just not respond, and he should get the message, but if you want to do the phone call thing, I guess you would need to say something. The only suggestion I have is to avoid continuing contact with someone simply out of fear of being rude. In other words, don’t call or go out with someone just because you are trying to be “polite”. It’s much better to let him know right off the bat if you’re not interested.
Boy - I just re-read my post. I swear I don’t write that poorly normally. “Hell” twice, “as it may be” twice…jeez, no “as possible”…jeez. Sorry 'bout that.
Anyway, Eva Luna, I had no idea that you were Jewish. That’s a funny coincidence. Hey–my boyfriend has a brother! Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
So Gundy, I may be about to give myself away, but my ad starts off with “Enjoy thinking/feeling?” Have a look if you want, and tell me what you think. One never knows!
You are under no obligation to “like” anyone. In fact, I’d go on record as saying that none of us can control who we find attractive. Chemistry is chemistry. It’s either there or it isn’t.
If I’m rejected, it’s not a reflection of my self-worth, only of their personal preference. If you suspect your rejectee has this type of outlook, consider sharing that lil’ nugget of self-esteem with them.
You are under no obligation to “like” anyone. In fact, I’d go on record as saying that none of us can control who we find attractive. Chemistry is chemistry. It’s either there or it isn’t.
If I’m rejected, it’s not a reflection of my self-worth, only of their personal preference. If you suspect your rejectee doesn’t have this type of outlook, consider sharing that lil’ nugget of self-esteem with them.
How about this: I’ve met someone wonderful, and we’re spending the weekend in the Florida Keys!
No rejection/emotional pain there. It’s much easier for some folks to handle. They should be able to take rejection, but in all likelihood, they won’t.
