Online Dating - Your Tips/Experiences please

Alright, so I’m giving some of these online dating sites a whirl, but I was hoping I could gather some of your tips/experiences to help improve my response count (I’m male, btw).

For the guys: What do you usually write as your first message to someone? Do you write something completely unique for each person, or just paste a generic response, or a mixture of both? Do you ask the other person any questions? How much do you say about yourself? And what kind of greeting/salutation do you use? Oh, and what’s your average message to response ratio (I think I’m averaging maybe 1/15).

For the girls: What kind of responses are you looking for? How long should they ideally be? Do you like being asked questions? How much information should the respondee include about themselves?

Any and all tips, suggestions, and anecdotes would be great.

Girl here.
I’d recommend that the first note to a girl be about a paragraph. If you make it shorter than that, you look like you’re not really trying. If you make it longer, it might seem like you’re coming on too strong.
In that paragraph, I’d recommend commenting on one or two things about her profile that you liked or have in common with her (preferably something in the TEXT, not about the photos - you’ll usually score more points with a girl if you seem to be paying attention to what she said than if it seems like you just liked her pics).
Then ask one or two questions as a closing remark. Questions are a good thing. It shows you’re interested in her as a person, AND it gives her something to talk about in the reply in case she doesn’t know what to say.
Good luck!

Thanks for the great suggestions. It’s good to hear what works from the receiving end of an e-mail.

Hmm, I’ve had a few more non-responses (yes, I realize that’s not unusual for online dating, but I’d like to reduce this number if possible).

Does anyone have an example of an initial e-mail? I seem to have some trouble on how to open the email, where to put the questions, when to talk about myself, what jokes to use, etc. I think if I could see some framework of what others have used, it may help my hit ratio.

Any examples, or further advice?

Why don’t you cut and paste a sample of one you’ve sent (with identifying details masked, of course) and we’ll critique it?

I can’t do much better than lavenderviolet. She’s pretty much right on. But it’s going to involve a lot of silence. Girls get a lot of e mail online. They don’t always respond. Hell, they don’t always have a chance. The key here is to show you read her profile and have some specific reason to talk to her. Not just random fishing. And a few not too intense questions based on her profile. And some information about you. Definatly. Just don’t tell them how big your dick is…save that for the second e mail.

anecdote: I met my SO online, basically because he saw my location and said (and I quote) “If I only knew you were so close”. And then mentioned when he was in my town he actually visited my work (bookstore). Went on to 5am IMs and 12 hour phone calls. Of course you can’t rely on coisidences like that but they do come up.

Guy here.

I started the online dating thing maybe 2 months ago, and it’s been working well. I’ve been out with 5 really nice, totally cute girls. My email response ratio is probably about 1 out of 8, which I hear is pretty good.

I basically follow the directions of the ladies who have commented here… I don’t bother with the “winks” or anything and get right to the email. I ask questions and comment on things I read in her profile. I don’t have a standard email to send… every one of them is very different. I really think women can tell the copied/pasted emails versus a personalized one.

Anyway, the face-to-face meetings are where the fun really starts. Good luck… It’s actually a whole lot of fun. I wish I would have done it sooner.

And this is what’s throwing me off…I can’t come up with something unique for each one it seems; a mild case of writer’s block perhaps?

Essentially, I open with a line or two relating to their profile, then I talk about myself in the 2nd paragraph, which is pretty much the same thing across all the e-mails. I mean, how many ways can I write the same thing?

Thanks for the tips so far though! :slight_smile:

(emphasis mine)

Did he write it exactly like that? I ask because it took me forever to parse this. :smack:

It’s tough to do … I figure if I can’t fill a paragraph commenting on whatever was in her profile, then maybe I shouldn’t be emailing them in the first place.

I also spend virtually no time talking about myself in ways that don’t relate to her profile. A girl can step in here and say if that’s a good or bad move… I do almost always say something like “well, if you’re interested in me, look at my profile”, and leave it at that.

For example, the girl I’m currently hitting it off with (going out for a 3rd time tonight!) said she liked VH1 shows in her profile, so I threw out that I watch Hogan Knows Best every time I see it’s on. But I didn’t bring up anything that she could already read about me in my profile. I tend to leave the generic stuff about me in my profile and tell her something a little more personal relating to something about her that I read.

I’d say keep it to a short boilerplate; what you do for a living, where you live, etc. Then take her profile as inspiration. There has to be some reason you are e mailing her and not one of the millions of other women on line. So “I see you like tennis. I play tennis every weekend” Something like that.

I’ve been keeping my first message pretty brief (3-4 lines), because that first message is simply to see if there is any interest.

“Generic” messages are bad in my opinion because women can sniff them out pretty easy and they aren’t too likely to make a person feel special. You could be a “bot” for all they know. That said, I do have a “stock” core to my first message that is mildly humorous, but incorporate something unique to what they’ve shared about themselves in their profile.

Apart from a “what do you think?”-style closer, I don’t ask questions or talk about myself. That’s like diving into a conversation before knowing if someone wants to speak with you. Your profile should be able to tell them about yourself at these early stages. If they like what they see, they’ll reply.

Message to response ratio is about 1:3. I don’t know that I’m much of a looker, but I’m pretty proud of the profile I crafted.

Good luck out there and keep it positive.

I tried online dating a few years ago, and had decent “success” with it I guess. Overall, I found the women I was dating all had some reasons why they were using “online dating” as opposed to “regular dating.” So eventually I decided that for me the traditional way is my preference, but at the time it was helpful to meet new women and go on several dates to learn about dating and women.

Here was my profile, I had good success with it. Feel free to use as much of it as you like. I designed it to appeal to as many women as possible . . . to paint a picture of myself as the really fun/romantic guy they are looking for. I also tried to paint a picture of the girl I’m seeking to match how the majority of women like to view themselves, so that they would read it and say, “Hey, that’s what I want,” and “hey, that’s exactly how I am” so that ultimately they’d say “This guy is perfect!” I’m sure it will get critiqued, but I found that it worked well.

“Hello! A bit about myself . . . I’m 27 and living in Springfield. This part of the country has so much to offer, and I love taking advantage of it. I love trying out new restaurants . . . I often challenge myself to find local cafes with tons of character . . . the perfect lighting, music, atmosphere, and a menu to match the vibe. I think the trick to an amazing relationship is how you mix it up: going out to eat one night, watching an amazing band perform the next, staying in and cooking the perfect breakfast the next morning. Then you throw some outdoor outings in the mix . . . some beach days, some hikes . . . I’m looking for a fun, lively, and honest woman to share all of these things with. A woman who is beautiful both inside and out, who is open-minded and loving. I would love to have that special girl that I can laugh with, spend my time with, and treat like a princess. There’s no bigger turn on to me than an amazing and unique sense of humor! Right now I’m working at a real estate firm (have a Finance degree) and recording music on nights and on weekends. I’m intelligent, articulate, and extremely personable. Laid back yet energetic . . . I love to joke around. As for my photos . . . the long hair was 2 years ago, the short hair 6 months ago . . . I like to mix it up!”

One SDM age TBD, looking for SWF/SAF, age TBD-LMS, for discrete LSF/MFT, and possibly GT (as DBM). Likes SWOB, GD, S, etc. Leave email address if interested-thanks!

I got about 1:30 when I was trying to do this thing. After a while, I found it not to be worth the bother. Except a lot of fade-outs (a woman that seems initially interested, then stops responding like she had her fingers chopped off by an axe-wielding maniac), and a lot of women who are already invovled and just fishing around in case the current relationship takes the death plunge. Also, I suspect that many people (both men and women) aren’t seriously looking but either leave up a profile just in case something interesting gets snagged or because they’ve neglected to disable it. If more than 10% of the profiles you see on line are people actively looking to date I’d be massively surprised. (This obviously doesn’t apply to matching sites like eHarmony, with which I have an entirely different set of beefs.)

As far as messages, betenoir’s advice to make a boilerplate and plug in a couple of personal details is probably the best approach for most. It makes you sound like you actually read her profile but doesn’t require you to waste hours on drafting messages that’ll never get a response. You can always draft a special response when you come across Dream Girl, which she’ll then ignore at her leisure. In all honesty, though, I don’t know how much the actual content matters; as long as it’s reasonably well-written, the prospective woman will probably look at your profile and decide from there whether she wants to respond to you or not.

My basic advice is that it can work, but don’t get your hopes up. Your best bet is to use several different services and be aggressive about contacting new members of interest.

Stranger

Anyone mind mentioning what service you use? Just curious to see if any of them are worth it. Thanks and sorry for the hijack.

match.com seems to have the heaviest usage and traffic.

I did Yahoo Personals

Salon personals tend to have a high percentage of literate, witty people.

He wrote it exactly like that. It is written forever on my heart.

What’s hard to parse? He came (for unrelated reasons) 3000 some miles to my town before we had ever talked. He read my profile, liked it, and realized he had been that close to me without knowing it.

swoon