I kept reading it as a semi-illiterate guy trying to write, “If only I knew you; we’re so close.” :smack: 
Purely my own fault.
I used okcupid because I couldn’t bring myself to pay for an electronic pimp. I went on a bunch of dates, but all with guys who I approached first. Met my SO on there. I messaged him because his profile was purposely written to be outrageous, funny, and actually a little offensive. My message went something like, “Hey, I don’t know that’d we’d be a match or anything, just wanted to drop you a line to say your profile made me laugh. Thanks for that.”
He did the folllow up, since I expected none from that message. He started IMing me, acted interested in me as a person, turned out not to be the maniacal personality he represented in his profile, which was, as I suspected, a spoof.
Maybe having a profile that shows a sense of humor and isn’t the standard stuff would help? I got so tired of seeing the generic profile that Mike’s weird one got a response from me. Good luck to you.
Important thing number 1 - make sure your spelling and punctuation are correct in both your profile and your first response. If you’re in too much of a hurry to be bothered to try to make a good impression, why should anyone be bothered to take an interest in you?
Important thing number 2 - if you mention that you’re “well-endowed” or, better yet, give a specific number of inches or other physical description of Mr. Happy, I will assume you already have a love interest to which you are far more strongly attached than you ever will be to me or any other potential partner, and I will leave the two of you to enjoy yourselves.
Important thing number 3 - show a sense of humor and some intelligence. I’m not into bugs myself, but I would find it fascinating to hear that you had a passion for Japanese beetles and had studied them for years - much more than that you like white wine, walks on the beach, and a cozy evening in front of the fire with a fine lady and some mellow jazz on the stereo.
Important thing number 4 - don’t wait for a week before responding to her response. If you’re that busy (or just don’t care enough to be bothered), you don’t need me in your life. When I’ve been on a dating service (which I have not been for some years), it has been because it was a high priority to me. If it’s not to you, don’t bother. This may not be universal, but I’ll bet you it’s more common than not. Most women who are looking simply to play state that up front, or go to sites or fora where that’s the purpose.
Important thing number 5 - make it clear you’ve read her profile. When I got repeated solicitations from some guy whose user name was Joe4Jesus or some such, and I had specifically stated in my profile that I was an atheist, it was fairly obvious that the guy was pretty much broadcasting to see if he got any bites - he couldn’t be bothered to read the profiles, just the general geographic location and gender. Give an indication to the woman why you responded to HER profile rather than someone else’s.
What it usually came down to for me was whether or not the guy showed any actual interest in ME as opposed to finding someone, anyone, who might be willing to have sex with him. In other words, was this something he was actually putting some effort into? Was I someone he was putting some effort into? If not, why would I be bothered to put any effort into him?
YMMV
My best advice is to go to patheticpersonals.com and see what not to do. Be prepared to laugh…
craigslist.com. I cannot emphasize this enough. It’s free. It’s easy. It works for me.
That’s actually been the website I’ve been exclusively using, and it’s not going too well (as explained above).
Hmm, I was thinking the problem might have been with the site, but nope, it’s probably purely me 
It may not be your fault. Some cities on Craigslist are far more active than others. My hometown is practically dead, while a nearby city that has more “hippie/artsy” types (a demographic that seems to enjoy Craigslist) is very active.
I personally would recommend giving OKCupid.com a shot. I have met far more intelligent and interesting people there than on any other site. A lot of other dating sites just end up depressing me because so many of the ads on there sound desperate or wacko.
'course, for all I know, I may sound that way to others myself.
1.) Find a site with people similar to you. I met my husband on nerve.com before it was taken over by okcupid. Several sites (Esquire, Onion, Nerve, Actforlove, etc.) all feed into the same pool. However, they all seem to add witty, intelligent people. I also tried match.com and eharmony. Hated it them both. I just couldn’t relate to the folks I was finding.
2.) Opening emails should be short. I wouldn’t respond to anything I took to be a generic email (which are especially prevalent on match). One paragraph saying what you think we have in common, why we would have fun together is all you need. Don’t repeat your ad. You wouldn’t introduce yourself in person with, “I’m a warm, generous, outgoing guy…”, so why do it by email?
3.) Try the IM functions. My husband just happened to find me online one night and he IMed me. Obviously, it worked quite well for him. 
OKCupid is next to worthless if you are over 30 or at least it was when I last checked it out several months ago.
I take it being 21, it might be more ideal for me then?
I’m 35, my boyfriend is 33. Several other friends of mine over 30, including one gay couple, found each other on OKcupid. But of course, hooking up in general is easier if you’re under 30. Why should the internet be different?
OK. Change that to over 40 then. The last time I checked there were less than five women in my age range in my area. On the other hand, I have met more women than I ever imagined possible on craigslist.
It should be noted that different sites are more active in different areas.
Slight Update + Bonus Q
First, I just wanted to thank everyone for the great advice. I signed up for MyCupid, created a semi-interesting profile, and fired off my first message, which apparently made her “laugh [her] ass off.”
Anyway’s we’ve bounced back and forth a couple times now (2 messages each), and I’m wondering about a couple things…
First off, how long should I wait before firing off replies? The first time, I waited til’ the next morning; as I don’t think I want to give the impression I’m doing nothing but refreshing the main page 
Secondly, how long should I wait to ask her out? Along those lines, how should I go about that?
I had the same exact questions in my (very similar) thread a couple months ago.
Like you, I’d always wait at least a couple of hours before replying, but never more than a day.
As for when to ask them out, it always varies with me. Sometimes if we’re really hitting it off via email, I’ll ask on like the 3rd or 4th. Another girl I emailed back and forth for over a month, just as we were feeling each other out.
My first couple dates from Match, I basically just said “listen, I’m new to this online dating thing, but I’d like to meet you in person. I don’t know when the right time to ask that would be.” That gives her the out to say “I think it’s too soon”, or “Great, let’s do it!” I always got “Great!”, so don’t worry too much about it.
Good Og! The horror, the horror.
Perhaps if you increased the tangential velocity of your response relative to her mood-indicative musings and added a catalyzing agent in the form of several hearty, well-calculated and phrased speculative assertions - you might get laid?
In other words, love & sex isn’t an exact science mate.
I’m coming into this conversation way late, but I did the online dating thing (lavalife) and I had a strict filtration system:
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If his profile is full of spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, forget it. He’s marketing himself online, and if he can’t put enough care into the one thing he has to sell himself with, he likely isn’t for me. (Furthermore, a well-written profile was a sign of intelligence, so that was a bonus.)
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If his name has anything in it like “69”, “sexy” “sex” “hot” or anything like that, he’s out. Sorry, but if the main thing you want to get across in your SCREEN NAME is your sexuality, we aren’t going to get along well.
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If he had a profile in the “Intimate Encounters” part of the site as well, he was immediately nixed. I’m not interested in you if you’re open to casual sex with complete strangers. That’s okay for some, but I’m not the type who would date your type.
Finally, the kicker, which most people won’t agree with:
I didn’t post pictures online. I know, that’s a huge no-no. But I was working in a bar at the time, and I was tired of getting dates with people who had no interest in my personality. I wanted to find someone who was attracted to my personality first. So I only had “backstage” photos, which I would only make available after an e-mail or two.
I knew this would cut out a lot of suitors, because for obvious reasons many people don’t want to show interest if they have no idea what you look like, and I completely understand that. But that was how I was doing things.
If a guy contacted me and said “Let me see your pics”, and had nothing to say but that, I would politely respond, “Look, I’m an attractive woman, but I want to wait until we exchange an email or two before I show you my pictures”. If he said “Well I want to see your pics first” I would say, “I completely understand. But unfortunately, the way I’m doing this is that I exchange at least one email first. I totally understand if this isn’t cool for you, and if so, I wish you all the best.”
Often, the guy would curse at me and sign off. But there were several times where the guy would be okay with that. And one of those guys I ended up in a long-term relationship with.
So that’s how things went for me. Good luck!
I know this runs counter to some people’s experiences with on-line dating, but I really liked eHarmony.
It’s a lot of work, and it begins to feel like homework after a while, but I think there really is something to the personality-matching that eHarmony does. It helps if you’re willing to meet people outside your immediate neighborhood. It also helps if you’re open-minded about the professions, backgrounds, etc. of your matches, and if you use only the genuinely good first stage screening questions. (You get to send multiple-choice questions to your matches. Some of those questions work to tell you substantive things about the people who answer them, and some of the questions are fluff.)
eHarmony’s for people who are looking for long term relationships. If you have any doubts about looking for an LTR, or if you feel a little weird about being so overt about looking for an LTR, then eHarmony isn’t for you. It’s also not for you if you’re not willing to be patient when there are no new matches for you for a while.
If you’re upset about the cost, take the personality test (it takes a while) and then wait. The eHarmony guys will send you a promo offer. In my case, I got three months for the price of one. I took that offer.
I really liked this service for two reasons: 1) You can use lots of steps in screening someone, and 2) You can ask people the tough and important questions–ones that usually don’t come up until you already feel committed–directly without any loss of face. For example, you can ask your match whether or not they want to have kids one day, and what their notion of appropriate gender roles is. The answers to these questions help let you know whether someone might be compatible with you in the long run.
I’m not dating someone from eHarmony right now, but I ended up dating two guys from that service (not at the same time, for those of you who are wondering.) They were both good people, and we had a lot in common, mostly in ways I wouldn’t have expected. I also went on a few first dates with people who were definitely not for me, but that’s to be expected with almost any dating service.
I’d recommend using OKCupid.com, since it seems to offer the best matching system, IMO. I met Seren there a year ago today and we’ve been happy ever since.
Don’t wait longer than a day, two at most. Girls who are actively looking on these sites often get lots of dates. Once I met Mike, I stopped several active correspondences that could have led to something.
Have you IM’ed with her? If not, I recommend it. It really moves things along and that’s how we made our date. Actually, we had one set for two weeks, and we hit it off so much on IM that he canceled other plans he had so we could go out sooner. It was a good decision.