Very hateful, especially if you were adopted after the 1970s when there were considerably more would-be adoptive parents than adoptable children.
On the other hand, maybe her mom doesn’t realize how sore the subject is. I personally was a bit shocked that Hilarity N. Suze views adoption as a universal rejection because that is so out of sync with how most of the birthmothers I’ve met feel about their kids who have been placed for adoption.
If your birthmother left you for dead in a dumpster or something and you just happened to be rescued by some passerbys, then, yeah, I could see taking that as a pretty big clue your bio parents really didn’t like you very much. However, of course that’s not the way most adoptions come about. By far the majority of birthmothers I have met choose adoption because they want their kids to have a better life, not because they didn’t like the kid.
I’m not adopted, but I can easily imagine being an adopted child and feeling a sense of rejection and not-belonging due to my status. My brother is adopted and I know that he’s struggled with various identity issues all his life. I would not be surprised if the “Why did they give me away?” question was among those issues. Economic and quality of life considerations aren’t obvious to kids.
I also can imagine that it would depends on when you’re put up for adoption. A newborn baby is one thing. A toddler or older is something else.
Simply put, I would not need my child to tell me that being adopted is a sore subject for me to know not to say something foul like that.
I’m not adopted, haven’t adopted, don’t have kids. I think it’s way out of line for her to say that.
Maybe it’s a dumb example, but I adopted a dog. Loved that dog. Came home one day and the dog had destroyed some of my things. I didn’t stop loving that dog. I didn’t think, ‘If it had been “my” dog all along, this never would have happened.’ Most of the time she’d jump all over me, licking my face and loving me with abandon…once in awhile she’d crap on the floor. She was way more than worth the trouble.
Parenting should be about taking the good with the bad. They’re kids, not appliances. If your mom thought you’d never present any problems or have any setbacks, she shouldn’t have adopted you because of HER shortcoming, not yours.
I would probably tell her to let you know, next time she climbs down off her cross, so that you can pin the Congressional Medal of Honor on her. :mad:
As for you needing therapy, my WAG is that you do. Note, I’m not saying it’s your fault but rather your reaction to her bad behavior and any weirdness you’ve internalized from it over the years. I figure if she says that, it’s the tip of the iceberg. You’ve probably encountered other resistance from her resentment that went unsaid, not given yourself enough credit because unconditional love wasn’t forthcoming, and so on.
Maybe so, but I just had dinner with somebody who squeezed me out of her vagina. That is seriously nasty and if I were adopted it wouldn’t be the case. 
That’s a very wrong and horrible thing to say. I hope she made a better mother than that one quote would lead you to believe.
But bio kids are very different. I give my bio daughter crap about causing my stretch marks and inability to jog without a pad. But there are two differences - my bio daughter came into the house the “normal” way. And I’m not doing it in anger or disappointment.
I don’t give my adopted son crap about the expense or the personal questions we had to answer as part of the home study. For a lot of kids, adoption can be a touchy subject - they do often feel that first rejection, or identity issues, or that they don’t really belong in their family (I think bio kids often feel this way, but they don’t get the convenient explanation handed to them about why they don’t fit in.)
I wouldn’t give either kids crap about how they arrived into the family when I am angry or disappointed with them. There are far more important sacrifices I’ve made for my kids than pregnancy and labor or adoption if I’m going to play the guilt card. And frankly, its easier to say “I thought I raised you better than that.”
Anyway, I think its a hurtful thing to say. The OP has written it off as being “her mom” and its possible that their relationship is fine and strong and that this is just “her mom” - and these are things the OP is willing to put up with. I personally think Mom is very lucky to have a daughter that isn’t easily bruised by such hurtful comments - because that sort of thing is the sort of thing that causes a lot of kids (bio and adopted) into therapy - or to simply stop associating with their parents.
By the way, the agency we worked with had very few criteria for denying parents a child. A past history of child abuse. Drug abuse or alcohol abuse. Lying during your homestudy. Felony convictions. AND - giving the social worker the perception that this was a charitable act. The agency we worked with (the same one Shodan worked with ten years before us) has had such poor luck with children (they do extensive post adoption counseling for children and adults) who were adopted by adults looking to “save” a child or get some sort of bonus points redeemable at the pearly gates that they are only interested in working with the parents who acknowledge that they selfishly want a child in their lives.
The proper response is “Yo, did I fill out a permission form for this shit? Was any of this my idea? You took me off the market and I might well have done better with the next family, which might have dispensed with the guilt trips!”
Your mom’s comments strike me as inappropriate and not something I would feel comfortable overhearing a parent say to a child, but I think it was silly of your friends to “flip”. Like, your mom’s comments weren’t bothering you before, but because of your friend’s reactions you now harbour some doubt about whether her comments were emotionally abusive or not. On the other hand, maybe you’ve always been uncomfortable about these comments and you brought it up to your friends in an attempt to see what they thought, without having to really ask. shrugs
I really hope that your mom made you feel loved and cherished-all kids deserve and need that.
Ha. I love this response.
Just wait til he’s driving your car…
I was adopted at 4 days and not every adoptee feels “abandoned” by their birth parents. I’ve certainly considered that feeling as I was growing up but every time it came up, the opinion that my birth parents were not in a position to care for me either emotionally and/or financially won out every time. I didn’t take it as a personal affront.
My parents loved me every single day. They never made a comment even close to that. What I heard was how they struggled and applied to numerous agencies and waited almost 5 years for me to come into their lives.
I’ve never found my bio parents but if I ever do, it will be to simply say “thank you”. I was blessed to have strong bio parents who knew their limitations and probably made one of the hardest decisions of their lives.
Not knowing the context of your mother’s statements, it’s hard to judge if she said it to be mean, or manipulative, or its just her way of expressing herself. I certainly wouldn’t let it bother me now just because my friends were weirded out. Your overall relationship with your mother should tell you if you need to sit down with her to talk or get counseling or whatever.
Oh, my son has given me trying times already. I adore him, but I don’t (always) idealize him. Years ago, long before I had any idea I’d ever be an adoptive parent, I heard humorist Art Buchwald (an adoptive Dad himself) telling a group of prospective adoptive parents, “A lot of you probably wonder if the baby you get will ever REALLY feel like yours. I’m here to tell you, the first time you find yourself thinking THIS KID IS A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS, you’ll know he’s really yours.”
Thing is, once you have a baby to care for, you’re way too busy to think about the nuances and implications of adoption. You have to change the kid., You have to feed him. You have to clean him up. You have to get him to the pediatrician. It’s always something!
But NEVER, for even a second, have I thought of him as some kind of charity case. Look, I was 43 when I finally got to be a Dad. I was thrilled to get my son! I know I was lucky to get him.
Was he lucky to get me? Well… ask him when he’s 30 or so.
This requires a snappy and rude comeback: “Gramma told me the judge sentenced you to adopt me as punishment for giving her all those gray hairs. So don’t give me that goodness of the heart crap or I’ll have Gramma’s hairdresser come tell you what you really deserve.”
To the actual question- yes, it is basically a hurtful thing to say. Was it intended as such? I don’t know.
To you personally- you seem not to take it that hurtfully. You know the larger context of your relationship with your Mom, and in that context, you interpreted it as reasonable, or at least, as something not to take offense over.
You probably don’t need therapy. You’re probably fine, because you have perspective that your friends don’t have. Don’t let them or us tell you how you should feel.
My mom actually agreed with me when I said I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t say it in anger, just that I didn’t have a say in it and by having me they were choosing a responsibility. She didn’t argue with that.
First, it’s definitly a nasty, mean thing to say.
Secondly people who talk in that way about the “goodness of their hearts” aren’t good. If you are doing good deeds for the reward in heaven or the admiration of society or the worship of the children later, then it’s not a good deed, but a selfish deed. Goodness is related to unselfishness- what is good for the other person, not what is ** convenient** for me.
Third, please please don’t let this get to you. You are a special human being. You deserve love and respect like every human being. You deserve love and respect and support from your parents like every child, without any condition attached, because that is what children need, without conditions.
If your parents are as selfish and mean as that phrase makes them sound, then ignore what they say as much as you can, get away as soon as you can, and get some therapy to deal with your issues, before you look for a partner.
Parents who say this are mostly (not always, of course) the kind of jerkish people who finely grade their own respect and politeness to the standing of a person in society. In other words, they don’t show their own kids the common courtesy and politness of knocking on the door of the private room before entering, or of asking if they are busy before giving them a chore, or of asking what they would like to eat for dinner… because in their world-view, kids aren’t important.
It’s very bad parenting style, and they reap what they sow, or rather, failed to sow: kids learn politness and respect not by being told to say “Good day” and kiss auntie, but by being ** treated** with the respect that every human person deserves at the most basic level. Respect of their opinion, even if un-informed, respect of their tastes, even if they can’t be accomodated all the time, respect of their privacy, their own clothing style, even if the parents don’t like it.
Parents who do show that kind of respect towards everybody, even children, will be treated with respect by their children, once the children have reached the stage where they start thinking about other people at all (that is, in puberty, after age 10-12).
Parents who disrespect their children’s worth by demeaning them (like yours do), and then turn around and demand to be worshipped as being “good” when they are selfish, and to be respected, deserve only the most basic level of common politness and nothing else. They should not, but probably will, be surprised if you leave the house at 18 years without coming back. They will probably try to manipulate further with guilt, but ignore that.
Mother who give natural birth to their children don’t get to use the strain of pregnancy and the pain of birth as manipulation to demand respect, either. (Especially today, with anti-pain medication). Respect is earned, or given freely to every person, but can not be demanded. People who don’t understand how respect works in the first place can be ignored and treated with cold politeness.
I hope you feel happier afterwards and avoid other people who use similar mechanisms.
This is not the correct way or the only way of treating people. There are other people out there who treat people correctly, with respect and love and without getting into a contest of putting down or guilt-tripping or whatever, and I hope you will find good friends and partners.
:snicker:
I disremember the woman’s name but she wrote a book about being an adoptive parent. She had two kids.
When people asked, “Are they ‘really’ brother and sister?”, her response was always, “Well, they fight in the back seat.”
Regards,
Shodan
I wanted to agree about the pain of being rejected. When you already know for a fact that your dad rejected you because you’re female, and your mom rejected you just because, it hurts 20x more to hear your adopted parents talking about your duty to them just because they were so gracious to take you in. Like others have said, hey, I didn’t ask to be born.
I think it depends on what they’re mad about. Holding your adoption (or birth) over your head should be reserved for extreme fuckuppage.