Is this a nuance personality trait of some people?

Factual Questions
1

Hi there,

Most, if not all humans have certain “quirks” about them that relate to behaving in an “odd” way in some kind of situation.

For example, you know when you’re walking along, and you spot someone who you kind of used to know, but haven’t seen them in a while, so you continue moving along pretending that you haven’t seen them? I’m not sure what you’d call his type of thing, I’m calling it a personality “quirk” that a lot of people have. Of course, not all people have this particular quirk (I think). Ever been in the opposing situation, and the person spots you, and comes running up to you and says hello?

Well today I wondered if I uncovered another type of “quirk” that some people have, but I never knew existed, because I don’t share in it.

Here’s the situation:

Let’s say you’re having a conversation with someone, and they tell you about something that, say, they are excitedly looking forward to. Something they are quite emotive about. Something that, if it didn’t come through for them, they might be a bit embarrassed to talk about it later on. Some time later, you are talking to this person, and you vaguely remember the thing they were telling you about, saying things like “it had something to do with xyz… you were so excited about, I can’t remember exactly… how did that turn out in the end?”, and the other person flatly denies having any idea what you are talking about?

Let me give two in-real-life situations where this has happened with me.

Situation 1:
A friend was telling me about a tertiary application at a particular school. He went and dropped his application in, and was blown away by the facilities, its location, its proximity to all these other things that he enjoys… the guy was really excited about it. Ages later, when the offers came out, I asked him if he got in to “that place you were all excited about”. But the guy denied knowing what I was talking about. I was like “you know, remember the one that had the really good facilities, you had to go and hand in the application in person… I can’t remember the name or where it was but… you know, remember? You kept going on about how much you’d love to go there. Is that the one you got in to?”… “I don’t remember the conversation”, came the reply. I was flabbergasted. How could this guy not remember? He was very excited when he was telling me all about it initially.

Situation 2:
A friend once told me about how, when he quit his job after a few weeks, he got a call from the recruitment agency that got him the job. My friend was telling me that the guy on the phone was telling him off for leaving the job so quickly. My friend was quite angry about the phone call, telling me “what the hell is it his business?”. I explained to my friend that many recruitment companies lose their commission if their recruit doesn’t stay in the job for a fixed amount of time. My friend’s expression turned a bit sombre… “oh… I see”. I think he felt a bit embarrassed. Anyways, fast forward about 2 years, and he’s telling me about a new job he’s got through a recruitment company. I asked… “Was that the same company that told you off the last time?”… “What company”, was his reply. “You know, when you got that job a couple of years back and quit it soon after, the recruitment company called you and told you off for quitting”… “Which job?”. The guy was denying any memory of the first incident.

It got me wondering.

Do some people deliberately pretend not to remember something that you are asking them about, because the situation did not turn out favourably, and they’re a bit embarrassed or something, so they deny remembering it?

I hope I have explained this all clearly enough.

2

I think it’s more a matter of some people not having very good memories. I know such people. Their memories are just organized differently than mine. I remember details of events that they told me about that when they happened a few months or years ago that they just don’t remember at all, even though the events happened to them, while I know about the events only from their descriptions.

3

And there are people who have short term memory problems like the Ellen DeGeneres fish in Finding Nemo. They can’t remember things they’ve already said previously to you in the same phone call. It’s not intentional and it’s not just a lack of concentration. They don’t have the ability to concentrate enough to remember. Yet the same person may recall something said months or years ago.

I can remember when I was 25 months old. But I have no recollection of how I found the Straight Dope or why I chose the User Name Zoe.

There is a least one person who remembers nothing that happened more than a few seconds ago.

4

Or they compartmentalize - going for a new job? Only remember successful job applications and absolutely refuse to consider that you’ve ever been unsuccessful in this kind of situation. Like affirmations. Some people are better at this than others. Very annoying people to deal with, unless it’s me, then I’m taking the only reasonable course of action.

Wanders off humming;* Accen-tuate the positive, e-liminate the negative and don’t mess with Mr in-between.*

5

I third the bad memory, because it happens to me very often - friends will tell me “remember, you told me …” and I go “Huh? I have no memory whatsoever - interesting story you’re telling me.” I have a very bad memory.

6

Here’s a related example: When I was a kid in the '50s we were one of the few Jewish families in a mostly-Christian neighborhood. My parents didn’t want us to feel left out at Christmas time, so we always had a Christmas tree. In fact, we celebrated both Christmas and Hanukkah. I remember the ornaments we had, and where they were stored off-season. I remember hanging ornaments that I had made in school. I remember the old-fashioned lights that got extremely hot. I remember stringing popcorn and cranberries. I remember making gingerbread men one year, and when the dog ate all the lower ones. I remember going with my father to pick out the tree, and shlepping it out to the curb after the holidays.

The only other family member who is still alive is my brother. He flatly denies that we ever had a Christmas tree. I’ve described everything to him, and he has no recollection of it whatsoever. Since he’s three years older than I am, he should have even stronger memories than mine. But he remembers nothing.

I think the explanation is that I was the kind of kid who would have been very much excited by a lot of things, while my brother was very indifferent to most things; I don’t remember one time when he was excited by anything. So while I was fascinated by the trees, he pretty much ignored them.

7

I have this kind of bad memory too. People will say very important things to me, I’ll say important things to people, incidents will happen and I’ll have no memory of them a year later.

In conversation with several people a friend will bring up a funny story, and ask me to finish the tale. I’ll beg off and say, no, you tell it better. And I’ll have no memory of it until about half way through the story. Then it will slowly come back to me.

It’s a real pain in the ass.

On the other hand, I can remember where things are. When I worked in a book store in the 90’s I could tell you with precision where a specific book was. Down to the fact that it was the third book from the left on the fifth self of the Self Help section.

It’s just the way my brain works.

8

Some people do have legitimately sketchy memories and simply do not remember certain things, others subconciously block or compartmentalize memories they don’t like and forget them that way (although they can remember with enough prodding), and others are simply liars who remember certain incidents full well yet insist they don’t for some (usually) selfish reason.

In my experience, most forgetful people fall into the latter two categories. At my HS reunion I was looking at old photos and recalling names, stories, trips, classes, and other details involving people who used to be friends with each other. At first they looked at me strangely because they didn’t remember any of it… but after a few minutes they began to recall; I got a lot of “ooooooh yeahs…” Without my details and persistence they’d have no recolection of a lot of memories you’d think they should. As to the liars, well every prison is full of them. Watch any TV show where people are being interrogated and you’ll see the most genuine sounding cases of bad memories you’ll find anywhere. Former friends constantly forget the money you loaned them and they never paid back, child molesters forget ever having babysat their niece, ex-spouses completely forget cheating on their partners (the divorce must have been for some other reason), etc. You can usually pick out the liars by how much their forgetfulness helps them out of a situation or to save face.