This is just something that is happening to someone I know at present and I was wondering what fellow posters’ opinion was.
My friend ‘Jane’ has this other friend ‘Mary’. Jane introduced Mary to her other group of friends that she has known for a long time. Mary was very friendly with Janes other friends and was soon mailing them and calling to the house and going on nights out them even if Jane wasn’t there.
This was fine but then in that group was Janes ex (John). They haven’t been together in a few months but any friend of Janes knows that she still likes him. Mary then starts mailing ‘John’ and they go out together but nothing has happened between them as Mary has been seeing someone else from the new group that Jane introduced her to - ‘Pete’. It turned out that Pete didn’t want a relationship as he is only out of one, Mary was upset as she did like him. So what does she do? She takes things further with John and is now going out with him. She never told Jane that she liked him and Jane found out from someone else that they were together.
Jane rings me and is very upset that Mary has betrayed her like this and is mad that no-one understands why she is pissed off.
I understand why she is pissed off and agree with her but quite a few of our friends don’t understand and thinks she should get over it.
All I want to know is am I the only person (besides Jane) who thinks that what Mary has done is wrong?
Aren’t friends supposed to respect each other more than that?
Ignoring, for the moment, that this feels like a drama straight out of 9th grade, two people are free to date whom they will, it doesn’t sound like there’s any betrayal here - John and Jane weren’t dating.
Now, for Janes anger: If John wanted to date Jane, he would do so and wouldn’t date Mary. If she has to be mad at someone (which I don’t understand - why pine for some one who doesn’t want to date you?), it sounds like Jane has her targets crossed to me. Be angry at John for dating some one other than yourself, not at who he’s dating.
Eh, gray area. The way I see it, the problem is that Mary didn’t tell Jane that she and John were starting to see each other. Going after a friend’s ex-boyfriend is a no-no with out permission–or at least disclosure.
In my experience, when a new person joins an established group and starts doing “socially complicated” things within that group, she is not long for that group. Mary will be out of Jane’s hair soon enough.
Pete breaks up with Mary, and Mary starts to date John.
I don’t think the “you can’t date my ex” rule is forever. You don’t give a timeline here, but it sounds like Pete came in somewhere between Jane introducing Mary to the group, and Mary and John starting to date. In that case, my ruling is that Mary was not dating “Jane’s ex” – she was dating “someone in the group.”
As Beelzebubba says Mary and John have every right to be dating and Jane has every right to think Mary is a **two-faced, double-crossing, sneaky little twit. **
As Beelzebubba says Mary and John have every right to be dating and Jane has every right to think Mary is a **two-faced, double-crossing, sneaky little twit. **
The entire scenario has an implicit assumption that there is some obligation owed to anyone you ever dated. They somehow own you, and that person’s wishes limit your subsequent choices in relationships. This was someone you didn’t wish to have a relationship with.
Jane, honey, he doesn’t want you. If you actually cared about him, you wouldn’t be trying to cling to that fantasy you have, where he will come back. Now you are going to loose another friend over that same lost feeling. If he wouldn’t be yours without Jane, what makes you think that getting rid of her now would do anything other than make him dislike you more?
This problem is not Mary’s problem, or John’s problem. If both were not interested in being friends with Jane, they could go away and find other friends. This is a problem of Jane’s. The two might wish to make her feelings less hurt, but if they are feeling that very familiar first blush of interest, they might not even notice. You don’t have to dislike John, or Mary, in order to understand that Jane is hurt, and needs other friends.
This sounds very familiar to me. I think there’s more to the story than we know. For example: How long did Jane and John date? Who broke up with whom? Stuff like that. Things can work out if all parties really want it to.
About a year and a half ago I was dating this guy, Brett. We were only together for 3 months, but he was my first, and therefore very important to me. I had a hard time when he broke up with me. However, Brett was in Louisiana where I go to school, and about a week after the break-up I went home to NY for the summer.
While in NY, I still communicated with Brett online, and he said he was talking to one of his good friends, Paul, about the whole thing. He said it might be a good idea if I talked with Paul online cause he’s really good at understanding this situation. Well, it got to the point where Paul and I stayed up till 6AM every day talking online. It wasn’t till about 4 months later (longer than Brett and I had even been together) that we got romantically interested in each other, but we always kept Brett’s feelings in mind.
When I got back to Louisiana, Paul and I started seeing each other. When we noticed things were working out well, we took a trip to Brett’s to tell him - we didn’t want him to hear from anyone but us. It was definately a bit weird at first. However, a year later, Paul and I are still together, and Brett’s my best friend. We talk every day and hang out a few times a week at school. Things couldn’t have worked out better. Brett said it was hard for a while, but he’s just glad that I’m happy.
I think that’s really what Jane needs to see - that Mary and John aren’t trying to hurt her. They fell in love. As has already been pointed out, Jane and John weren’t dating. It seems like they had been split up for a while. Jane needs to find someone who’s right for her, and who wants to be with her.
Aren’t college dramas more fun? Girls A and B are friends and dormmates for a long while. Then they meet Guy A. Girl A likes him and tells girl B all about it, so of course, even if Girl B was interested in Guy A, which she isn’t because she thinks he’s a tool, she wouldn’t act on it. However Guy A likes Girl B and doesn’t take any of her hints to #$%& off, so he doesn’t notice Girl A at all. Finally Girl B tells Guy A to take a flying leap when he suggests they sleep together, and starts avoiding him at all costs. Sadly, sort of, Girl A doesn’t get the guy, either. A few months later Girl B meets Guy B who she thinks is great, until Girl A throws herself at him and sleeps with him, and breaks up with him a week later. Girl B eventually wises up to the fact that Girl A knew she was interested in Guy B, even though she’d been keeping that to herself, which is why she threw herself at him. Three years after college Girl A and Girl B no longer keep in touch for some reason…
I dislike “owning” people you suposedly are fond of while you are involved and I downright despise the consept that you own them after you are no longer involved. Exs are fair game. For the feelings of all involved, I suggest avoiding them for a mourning period right after the break up, but if everybody is seeing new people even that can’t be used as an excuse.
Best of luck to the lovebirds, and to sour oats Jane who I hope can learn to love herself, her exs, her friends, and discover the wonlderful world of only controlling one person’s life.
Sorry to be snarky but the whole ex’s are undateable thing is just really, really stupid in my eyes.
I have friends, who have fallen in love & married their best friends ex, and life is 100% peachy for all involved, and they are happy for one another, because they were true friends.
While it may be difficult for “Jane” to come to terms with,
If these 2 were genuinely “friends” little miss Jane would
do her best to move on, And try to be happy for her friends luck in finding someone she fancied. (As long as this person wasnt Janes Husband)
Jane & John broke up for some reason or another -
So expecting that this guy be locked in a cage alone, forever, just because “Jane” still had feelings for him, where he didn’t - is absolutely rediculous.
Jealousy is an ugly monster.
Real friends don’t fight over dick.
It’s not so much as Mary really likes John. It’s like she is with John to make Pete jealous and Jane thinks that is unfair as John is the one that is going to get hurt in all of this. She is playing John off against Pete. Jane would be happy for them if she genuinely thought Mary liked John and wasn’t playing them and is hurt about the fact that she is willing to do this with an ex of hers and knows that it could put a strain on their friendship.
She is not trying to control who her friends go out with.
And also Mary knows that John is the only guy in Marys life that she ever felt so strongly about, therefore resents her if she is just trying to play the 2 guys off each other.
Anyway, thanks for yer opinions, just wondering what other people would think.
The motivations really don’t matter. The bottom line is does Jane have any right to veto John’s love live? The answer is no, she doesn’t, end of story. Everything else is window dressing.
