I heard he pulled the rock from the chest of an abortionist right before class.
The rock is a piece of America that he’d carried with him on patrol.
It absolutely is true, and the SEAL was sitting right next to me when it happened. But the quote from your uncle doesn’t even give the whole story.
You see, most of us had already gotten out of our chairs to kneel before Marx, because we didn’t know any better. But then when the SEAL got up and said his AMAZING line, not only did the professor get visibly shaken and storm out of the classroom; he actually pooped in his pants on the way out. We all then got up and cheered, and lifted the SEAL up on our shoulders and carried him around campus. And when we got back, it wasn’t just one eagle in the classroom, it was fifty eagles! All the non-Christians converted that night and took communion before we registered Republican. There was one girl who was thinking about getting an abortion, but the events of that afternoon changed her mind, and the baby grew up to be Ronald Regan. The day after the incident, the professor obviously lost his tenure as you said, but also, he shaved his head and joined a monastery in South America where they whip themselves with chains and have to eat broken glass. When he died, his last words were “I have lived a terrible and pointless life.”
So as you can see, you really can’t believe everything your uncle sends you because a lot of important details are going to be left out.
Well, that clarifies everything.
Ya rly. I had a good chuckle. The part about the bald eagle was over-the-top in a way that actually worked. Edit: And I mean more so than the rest of it. The whole thing was absurdly absurd.
Yeah, but is it art?
Aha! I knew it was fake! Everyone knows Republicans are Baptists and rarely take communion.
I don’t know. Would you stomp on it if I left it on your porch?
Sure, for just over four and a half minutes.
It might not be the truth, but it sure as hell is the truthiness.
This could only be a result of Douglas Adams’s Improbability Drive set to the highest setting.
Some of the other postings say it was “A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor.” That must be the director’s cut version.
Truly a Renaissance man.
I liked the OP’s version better.
Ditto. Few things are less subtle than the OP’s version, but Raven’s version manages to accomplish this. I like this part though:
Heh.
Yes, the other version is cluttered up with too many details. But I did like the idea that this guy has so many jobs. Maybe he fell apart in class because he’s badly overscheduled- he’s got two or three full time jobs and has to pray to Mecca five times a day and go to Party meetings.
The other version is too busy, and tries too hard. The OP’s version has a simple elegance to it.
A liberal ACLU lawyer professor was teaching a class on Karl Marx
*A lib-rul member of the Secular Humanist ™ Church was teaching a class on Charles Darwin. *
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known!”
“Before the class begins, you must make three prostrations and worship Darwin, Wallace, and Huxley and accept that they were the most highly-evolved beings the world had ever known!”
*I say “had” instead of “has” because I mean – UNTIL ME! You must follow with nine prostrations to me alone! *
At this moment, a brave Navy Seal who had served 15 tours of duty stood up and held up a rock.
*At this moment, a brave-acting Chicken Hawk who had faked 15 tours of duty stood up and held up an extended index finger. *
“How old is this rock?”
“How old is this gesture?”
The professor smirked arrogantly and replied “4.6 billion years. Idiot”
*The professor smiled indulgently and replied "Do you take me for an idiot? I know better than to give a definitive answer from such a question far outside of my field. * I could guess that it goes back at least 20,000 years, but again, that is a subject for quite a different kind of scholar. *
“Wrong. It’s 5,000 years old. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now.”
*The student replied, (ignoring the disclaimer) “Wrong. It’s 5,000 years old at the most. If it was 20,000 years old and monkey-to man evil-you-chin, as you say, is real… then it should be an airplane by now!” *
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk. He stormed out of the room.
*The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk. It didn’t break because it fell into one of his pant cuffs. – No, wait, that’s quite a different cock-and-bull story. – He excused himself to go to that bathroom and puke his guts out. *
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day. An eagle flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk.
*The students were stunned and all said, “Wow! I really do have a soul! The Eastern Lib’rul Establishment has been feeding us the Big Lie!” ** A bat flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and all of the students vowed to spend the rest of their lives fighting crime in silly outfits. *** *
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day.
*The professor was awarded combat pay and a sizeable raise, but was hired two months later by a respectable university well outside of the Bible Belt. *
- Need I point out that no Secular Humanist AthiEST Evil-you-chin-ist would ever say anything so humble? Only true Christian scholars are ever that humble.
** From the Chick tract, Big Daddy.
*** 
(I trust that no reference is necessary here!)
This is, of course, based on (segmented) quotes from the original OP. Some slight changes to the original quoted segments have been made, but only for punctuation, unless I made a mistake or two going back and forth from here and a Word document. I think I caught all of those, though. 
The way things are going, pretty soon we’re going to need a new forum: FQIMP - Facetious Questions I Must Pose.