OK. I took you to be assuming in the post I was quoting that there is such a thing as “touch that is in general considered culturally appropriate”. Maybe I misunderstood you.
You missed my point; though that may well be my fault for not making it clear.
What I was trying to say was that even among agemates in the same social circle at the same time, it was nowhere near as simple as either “people can touch each other’s hair, it’s generally culturally appropriate” or “people shouldn’t touch each other’s hair.” It was really “some people can touch each other’s hair in some situations. Nobody should touch somebody else’s hair in other situations. Even in situations in which some people can touch other people’s hair, not everybody can touch everybody else’s hair. And even in situations in which a particular person can touch another particular person’s hair, they should only do so in certain ways.”
kunilou’s got it, or at least part of it:
I had to learn them from the outside, so to speak. Cues which appeared to come so utterly naturally to most of my schoolmates were utterly invisible to me. (I once asked to be taught. I got a batch of blank unbelieving stares. You weren’t supposed to need to be taught, you were just supposed to know.) I had to learn those cues the hard way, bit by bit, over years.
I think that having had to do so, however, means that sometimes (not always, sometimes I’m still clueless), I can see them better than the people who are using them instinctively. And one of the things that I see is that many people who think they are good at this aren’t as good as they think; and are missing a lot more clues than they think.
I remember trying, and failing, to explain to Friend A that the fact that Friend B had smiled while telling Friend A something A didn’t want to hear didn’t mean that B was happy about it; but that B had dreaded telling A this and was afraid of A’s reaction (both of which I knew from B). A refused to believe that there’s such a thing as a nervous grin. There is, though. Some cats purr when they’re scared. Some people smile when they’re scared, or when they’re nervous.
Do people smile when you touch them? That might mean they’re happy about it. But it might not. It’s not quite the same smile; but not everybody can tell the difference, especially if they’re not looking for it.
Are some people good enough about reading non-verbal cues that they can easily tell whether others – even others of different cultures, genders, and life history – are willing to be touched? That’s certainly possible. But a whole lot of others aren’t.
– kunilou, I think your link is broken. Doesn’t work for me, anyway.
