I hate fancy resurants. Maybe this is because I like my food plain and for less than $30.00.
You see, fancy resurants can’t just cook a piece of meat. They have to drown it in sauces and alcoholic concauctions of various sorts, and bury it under vegetables I’ve never heard of. The result is a congealed mass of mushy crap with a little bit of actual food still intact.
So a few days ago, when the rest of my family decided to go to Le Cafe de Snott, I decided I would put up with it.
Perusing the menu, I find one item that sounds mighty appetizing: Roast turkey sandwich.
Anticipating at my food, and wincing at the fecal odor eminating from the meat-like substances accross from me. I see it. Plain rye bread with turkey, and, oh, this is fancy, it has a couple slices of tomato and some lettuce!
It wasn’t until I sunk my teeth into it that I realized what a vile, disgusting, sandwich this was. The bread was drenched in what tasted like 100% vinegar. I could not even taste the turkey or the tomato underneath. And there was no saving it, the vinegar had corroded all the way through the vegetables and the turkey.
To all you snotty stupid-ass fancy-pants chefs out there: this is a turkey fucking sandwich. It is not hard. Bread. Turkey. Mayo. Maybe a little tomato if you’re really fancy.
This was an insult to fat, fast-food eating slobs everywhere on the globe.
May all you bastards who would dare ruin the Holy Sanctity of the Sandwich rot in an eternal clam sauce while you are basted in boiling vinegrette! May you be saute’d in wine sauce from 1769!