It's 4:30am - do you know where your cock-a-roach is?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This morning, at about 4:30am, I was woken up by a sharp pain near my left shoulder blade. I jerk awake immediately and I’m pretty sure something just bit me. I can barely see anything, but I’m keeping my eyes open for whatever might have bitten me while I feel my back for welts, bumps, etc.

That’s when I see it. It’s a cock-a-roach!

It runs from under the sheet to the pillow next to mine. It’s a fairly big one - an inch and a half long or so. I let out an loud “UUUUUHHHH!!!” followed quickly by “FUCK MEEEE!!” Heh… In my defense, I’m not usually quite so dramatic when it comes to creepy-crawlies, but it’s 4:30am, I’m barely awake, and a cock-a-roach - which quite possiblty just bit me - is inches from my face.

After the initial shock my brain kicks in and I quickly devise a plan:

  1. Turn on the light. I need to be able to see my enemy.
  2. Get the cock-a-roach out of my bed so I can…
  3. Spray it with roach killin’ stuff.

I get the light turned on and the little bastard just sits there on the pillow like he owns it or something. I try to brush him off the bed - he’s quick, but I eventually knock him onto the floor. I run out of the room (did I mention that I’m naked at this point? Yeah, I’m bare-ass naked), grab the bug spray, and return to find him right in the middle of the floor where I left him. I’m a little surprised, but I waste no time - I give him a shot of Roach Death in a Can. Of course, he immediately starts haulin’ roach ass across the floor, under the bed, out the other side and heads for the door. It’s like he thinks he can outrun the Grim Reaper or something, but oh, no! He’s goin’ down! It’s just a matter of time now. I decide I can’t even live with his corpse on the floor until morning, so I go out to the garage (still naked - good thing I live alone, eh?) to get the hose for the central vac. I return to the bedroom but the roach is nowhere to be found! After a brief search, his twitching body is located next to one of the dressers. I vacuum him up and he’s gone.

So now I’m standing naked in my bedroom with a vacuum hose in my hand. I’m really glad I habitually keep the blinds closed. I put the hose back in the garage, check the sheet and comforter for any more roaches (there weren’t any, thankfully), get back into bed and try to convince myself that it’s OK to go to sleep again. My nerves are just a bit frazzled by this point and despite the logical part of my brain thinking, “OK, roach is gone, you can go to sleep again,” the not-so-logical part is screaming, “NO!!!” So I read for a bit until I can’t keep my eyes open and finally fall back to sleep around 6:00am. The next thing I know, it’s time to get up for work.

So that’s my cock-a-roach story. Laugh if you like, but be glad it wasn’t you.

Incidentally, I live in Florida, where cock-a-roaches abound. They’re not the nasty, dirty German cockroaches that breed like crazy and are impossible to get rid of. This was most likely an American cockroach, sometimes known to locals as a “palmetto bug,” basically a big cockroach that can fly. They’re everywhere in Florida and impossible to keep out of the house. I usually find 1 or 2 a month, usually dead.

And if you’re wondering why I keep typing “cock-a-roach,” it’s because, for reasons I can’t even begin to explain, it amuses me to no end. For proper effect, though, it should be said with a Bronx accent.

2

You’re in Florida and you think an inch and a half long cockroach is big?

You’ve been lucky. Hell, when I lived along the Texas Gulf Coast, we had roaches that were legally required to get plates and windshield tags.

3

That’s no palmetto bug. This is a palmetto bug. Also known as the Florida Klingon Battlecruiser, this bug is utterly repulsive in life and in death. If crushed, it emits a powerful gas capable of burning the hair out of your nose. If poisoned, its guts explode (no shit), leaving a noxious black tarry substance that can stain linoleum.

Ew.

4

We live in Florida and often find solo cock-a-roaches in our house, despite keeping it clean, throwing garbage out as we make it, not leaving food laying around, and so on. There’s nothing you can do about 'em, but I hate them just the same. The largest one I’ve seen in this house had to be at least 3 inches long. They’re fast as hell once they realize you’ve discovered them, and they tend to fly when the air is the most moist and humid, before or during rain. Did I mention I hate them?

And I also call them cock-a-roaches, in the angry voice of Al Pacino from Scarface.

5

Well, they seem bigger when they’re that close to my head…

6

You know, I never thought it would work, but ever since we signed up with a pest control service we haven’t seen hardly a cock-a-roach. And I’ve never seen one in my bed. How did you go back to sleep without washing the sheets and Lysoling the mattress? :eek:

7

It was in his bed, people, right next to his head. Who cares how big it was?

And Dweller of the Forest, you really need to put a TMI warning on pics like that. runs away screaming

8

I just shook off my visible German cock-a-roach problem that had hung on for the better part of a year. I think a good bit of it happened when the guy next door moved out - we share a kitchen wall.

Unfortunately, someone just moved into that apartment. God, I hope she’s clean.

9

The flying ones! Nightmare fuel more than anything else in the world. And if they fly into your hair…I kept myself from shaving my head by the thinnest possible margin.

10

Good, now you can concentrate on the bigger probelm, cause the invisible bugs are even harder to kill.

11

Damn, that sounded like a joke once it posted and I read it.

What I meant was, if you HAD a VISIBLE problem but don’t anymore, you may STILL have roach problem unseen to to your eye that will make a comeback in due time. Those fuckers are like Steven Seagal. Hard To Kill.

12

Heh - I thought you were referring to Robert Downey Jr Cockroaches - you know the ones that crawl under your skin?

13

You think a Florida cockroach is big when it’s next to your head? <pfft>

You should feel how big they are when one of them crawls into your ear and latches onto something.

Tallahassee, FL 1992. 4:00am. Took 3 doctors offices and 2 hospitals to remove it.

I swear to all the gods that roach felt like I had [Rulon Gardner]( www.cnnsi.com/.../ lg_rulon_ap.html) clenched around my cochlea. I have been through a lot of physical injuries, endured a lot of pain, but that one ranks up there with my liver injury and the time my knee bent sideways (kind of like Joe Thiesmann had happen).

14

You know, I’ve never actually seen one of these little buggers take to the air. I know they’re capable of it, but I have yet to see it happen.

Wow! That had to be quite some experience. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, who managed to swat a bee into her ear a couple weeks ago. It got lodged in there and just kept stinging her ear canal. Apparently it was flying around her head, she freaked out and started flailing her arms around, and sent it flying right into her ear. Heh… She jammed part of her sunglasses in there to try to kill it and/or remove it, but ended up having to go to the hospital to have it removed.

15

They bite?!? :eek:

16

Bees can only sting once. But getting stung once inside your ear is twice too much. :eek:

17

They love to eat food, so they definitely have mouths. Cock-a-roaches don’t bite in the sense that spiders or ants do, as a defense or a predatory attack, but they’ve been known to nibble. In the old days, sailors on ships would wake up to find roaches had taken tiny bites out of their fingernails or even eyelashes.

18

they fly. believe me.

Dweller of the Forest and i were leaving his parents’ house one night shortly after i had moved to Florida. i was still trying to get used to roaches as i’d never seen one until i moved down here (i grew up in colorado).

as we were loading laundry into my car, there was this CLOUD of flying roaches that went by. they were in my car, in the clothes, in my hair…it was awful. i’m amazed i didn’t drive off the road when the stragglers in my car found me (specifically, my toes).

and as for roach control - we bomb the everlovin’ hell out of our house once a year, and it keeps them pretty well under our thumb. er, bad choice of words, but i’ll keep it.

pestie - it’s a crappy way to wake up, isn’t it? that goes double for spiders, and triple for wolf spiders who have set up camp in my sheets. :eek:

and one of my favorite things to do is yell “AAAAAAAAAHRRRANGE!” instead of my native “orange”. i generally do it when making fun of snowbirds. so yeah, i dig you on the “cock-a-roach”.

19

I just wanted to acknowledge that the OP has the perfect username for starting this thread.

That’s all.

20

I knew someone would call me on that. I’m just repeating the story as it was told to me - I don’t know if it was a honeybee or a wasp/hornet (which I think can sting multiple times), or if it just felt like multiple stings. But yeah, once is twice too often.

Heh… Yeah, maybe it’s time to change my username…