A playboy in Las Vegas was expecting a young lady for the evening and turned on his porch light, forgetting it was Halloween. The bell rang and he opened the door. Standing there was a young costumed Trick-or-Treater. The playboy didn’t have any candy, so he reached in his pocket for a handful of silver dollars and dropped them into the kid’s bag. The kid looked into his bag and immediately began bawling, and the playboy asked, “Hey kid, what’s the matter?” “You bastard, you broke my cookies!”
Good on you, passing out the full size candy bar. We always do that too. There’s nothing fun about a 0.95 ounce candy bar. We go through around 200 full size bars a year, it’s pick one, take your choice.
Snickers, Mars Bars, Butterfingers, Starbursts, Skittles and the like. We usually pick up a box of those cheese and crackers for mom’s with nutritional bugs up there asses. You know what’s gotten surprisingly popular these days? The fruit flavored candy. The Starbursts and Skittles probably make up better than half the demand. When I was a kid, chocolate was king.
I hope none of you are passing out Nestle Chunky bars this year. Those trapezoidal chocolate bars with nuts and raisins. Yeah, that’s what kids want in their candy…fruit.
That’s what the guy across the street does, passes out penny candy wrapped in a bible verse. His kids aren’t allowed to trick or treat, but if I bring some candy over to their house he’ll let them take it.
Like the mother who goes through her kids’ Halloween candy looking for the good stuff, I go through my son’s bag looking for Chick tracts. Throwing myself at the bullet of lunacy is worth more to me than skimming off the caramels. Better for my waistline, too!
Okay, I feel a bit better. Maybe the kid and his parents made a nice pizza. (I liked anchovies as a kid!)
This year I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of candy, just like the last two years, and watch, no kids of course! I’ll end up taking the leftover chocolate to work like I always do. They love me and hate me at the same time, heh, heh.
When my wife was going to wound therapy the doc gave her Fentanyl suckers to cope with the pain of the procedures. She said they killed the pain, made you drowsy and tasted great (raspberry flavor). We wondered if we should throw some in the treat bowl at Halloween. No sugar rush for those lucky kids!
A guy I knew said that when he was a teen he passed out beef bullion cubes. They looked like caramel.
I loved giving out the full size candy bars, too. This year, however, my wife has prohibited me from buying the Halloween candy. Her reasons are “the big bars cost too much” and “parents don’t want their kids eating that much candy.”
I tried to explain to her that I spent maybe $25 on about a hundred candy bars, which is pretty darn good in my book; the bags of miniatures go for what, $10 for a big bag? And you’d need about four of them to get as much candy as I had. Plus, when you hand 'em out, you’ll have to give at least three minis to each kid, and three minis is more candy than one big bar! sigh.
I enjoyed being the Coolest Guy in the Neighborhood for a few years, at least. Last year I actually heard kids calling out to each other that we were giving out full-size bars. When you’re a kid, something like that makes your night. So this year we get to spend more, give each kid more candy than usual, and not stand out from the crowd at all. sigh. I may just make a secret trip to Sam’s anyway.
We went to the outlet store for World’s Finest Chocolate in Chicago and picked up full sized bars for a quarter each. We will be royalty in our subdivision and I guarantee we won’t get egged or TP’d.
Healthier? Do you know what the sodium content of anchovies is? Those kids were basically exchanging tooth decay and increased risk of diabetes for hypertension.
Ever come across any? I would think finding a Chick tract in a trick-or-treat bag would actually be rather useful in determining who in your neighborhood is a fundy fanatic. Still, handing out Chick tracts is a preferable and less obnoxious way of proselytizing to kids than the method I heard proposed by some easily outraged TV evangelist who suggested Christians should confront trick-or-treaters who come to their door by dressing as the prophet Jeremiah and denouncing them for celebrating an “evil” pagan holiday like Halloween.
Won’t they send you like thousands of chick tracks for free if you want? I feel like I could make a really fun arts and crafts projects with them, my x-acto knife and my modpodge.
