I’m glad to see you here, too, jsgoddess. I was thinking about you too when I read Brynda’s OP, since I recall that you lost your husband around the same time she did, and wondering how you are doing.
Well grief is normal and the fact the holiday are coming up, you should expect to see a resurgence of this grief.
Grief is normal, however it shouldn’t be paralyzing. You should feel sad, but you should also be able to carry on your normal every day functions, liking eating, cleaning, working, and such.
The way to look at it is like this, “so what?”
So you’re not happy, there’s no law that says you have to be happy. Allow yourself to be sad, once the pressures off you’ll find it easier to deal with everything.
As long as your functioning at a basic level, (in otherwords you can go to work, your eating OK, bathing, cleaning the flat etc), what you feel is normal.
So stop fighting it, accept it for what it is and once the pressure is off you’ll do fine.
Meantime keep yourself busy. Too many people get caught up in a grief mode. Start by getting a second job. Or volunteering. Or start a project. If need be, wash the walls of your flat. Walls always need a good scrubbing.
As odd as this sounds, by living through grief one learns to cope with it, and it does get better.
I too, have been thinking of you Brynda and wondering how you were holding up. I’m sorry to hear that the holidays are reopening the wound that is loss.
Harsh experience has taught me that sometimes the only way through, the hardest challenges in life, is Through!
You can’t stop, you can’t refuse to go, you can’t stall along the way, you can’t grasp onto the loss. No matter how small, the baby steps be, a new normal will arrive, resistance is futile. And, against extremely long odds, somehow, sooner or later, it will be sort of, kind of, maybe, almost, on the ragged fringes of okay.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers throughout this season, I wish for you Peace my friend.
Brynda, I won’t tell you that Christmas won’t be a royal pile of suck. All I can tell you is that you and Rick had something very special, and I think there are women out there in 40-year marriages who would gladly trade places to have what you have.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts this holiday, and do what you need to do.
I’m doing well. I had a couple of months head start on Brynda and, of course, we all work through things at a different pace.
One advantage I had, if it can be called an advantage, is that I knew Steve was ill when we married, so I had many years to accustom myself to the reality of it. I married knowing that I was going to be widowed, and my marriage in reality lasted longer than we were all expecting.
I’m so sorry for you, Brynda. And jsgoddess and FloatyGimpy and BiblioCat and everyone else who’s lost a loved one. Jan, my sister, died almost twenty years ago and it still hurts. Just… not as often.
Can’t even fathom what you all are going through; not even gonna try.
Just going to say your strength inspires me. And I know you don’t feel strong. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t.
Brynda, I know it’s really, really hard to cope with the loneliness and grief. I can only offer up my friendship and wish you the best of luck getting through the holidays. The downside of love is the feeling of loss when it’s gone. But you wouldn’t have chosen another path, even if you could have, because your life is so much better and richer for having known, and loved, Rick.
I’m so sorry Brynda.
Hey Brynda,
All I can really add is that no one gets out of life unscathed. There’s enough pain in life to go around.
There’s joy too. Maybe it evens out for one person, maybe not… It’s not for me to determine.
When everything is going great, something comes along to ruin it. When everything seems to be horrific, something unexpectedly good comes along. There’s no right or wrong way to handle any of it because we don’t know the whole story while we are going through it. If we are lucky, we get some clarity along the way.
If I don’t know what the heck I’m saying it’s because I’m going through something difficult right now as well. Not so final as what you are going through but difficult just the same. One step in front of the other is the only way I can handle it. I’ll come out the other side ok. I hope you do too!
take care,
xxxooo
Note to self: Don’t write posts late at night. Just don’t.
Thanks, everyone. It is, as ivylass so eloquently put it, a royal pile of suck. But I am making it day to day; I am working, I eat, I sleep. I even found some new friends who know what it is like to have loved and lost. It still hurts, though. I met Rick when I was 40. I had never been loved before, and then he came along and didn’t just love me, he adored me. At my age, I would have bet everything I owned that I would never, ever be married, much less be the happiest married person I knew. I hit the jackpot and I knew it.
So I try to hold on to the fact that I was loved, that against all odds, I found the man (to quote my vows) “who looked past my flaws to see the good heart within.” I was part of a wonderful love story, and I have been changed by that.
luv2draw, I think you are right–life is a series of good moments and bad. We just have to hold on through the bad and enjoy the good. I just wish this bad wasn’t quite so bad.
Some people don’t get this, but you are not electrons to me, and I appreciate the support I knew I would get here. As jsgoddess said, being a widow is lonely. So thank you for making me cry (like I needed to cry more) with your kindness. Having others acknowledge how wonderful our marriage was is one of the things that is reliably comforting, so I appreciate that more than you can know.
I was listening to a Joan Baez album, and this song made me think of you. Is that weird? I hope you don’t find it depressing. I like it though.
Sweet Sir Galahad
Tears are part of the healing and even part of the loving that will remain when the mourning is over.
And yes, we are part of “real life” too.
I’m sorry that you are hurting so much.
jsgoddess, I have always admired people who show great courage. I don’t know how you did it.
I cried (they were big, strong, manly tears, tho) reading your announcement 9 months ago (and your’s too jsgoddess) even tho I don’t know you or Rick at all. I got teared up reading this OP. The love you and Rick shared was obviously transcendent, and I’m happy for both of you that y’all got to experience it.
I don’t know what to say here, except to echo the sorrow expressed by so many others for your situation.
As always, keep on keepin’ on. As Poysyn said, those times between the bad times will get longer, and the bad feelings will eventually give way to memories of good feelings. Life is a rollercoaster, eh.
Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts on your wonderful marriage. It reminds me that there is such a thing as true love. Blessings to you this Christmas, and know that you’ll never be without people who care about you as long as you are a member of the Dope.
A friend of ours suddenly lost her husband last week (a sudden heart attack), they also have a 7 year old daughter (a few weeks younger than our own daughter, they are best friends), so I can picture what you are going through, especially during the holidays.
Don’t really know what to say to you (combined with the fact that I usually say the wrong thing in these situations) but know that someone here is thinking of you.
As I prepare to get married in a month, it’s stories like this that help me really believe in the bonds of marriage. I know there will be a day when one of us will have to continue living without the other, but I don’t want to think about it.
But it’s good to have that perspective. It’ll help remind all of us married people to cherish every moment.
Thank you for your inspiration. It will not fill the void, but hopefully knowing that you – and your husband – inspired a total stranger, will lift your spirits, if only momentarily.
You are in my thoughts.
Ok, one more: A female friend of Rick’s from work broke up with her longterm boyfriend because she realized that they would never have a marriage like ours, or a husband like Rick, and that is what she wanted. In the marriage vows I wrote, I said that everyone should be loved like Rick loved me. I know that not everyone is, and that I was lucky.
Thanks, everyone. It helps.
Brynda,
I lost my wife 4 months ago, so I know what you’re going through. You have my sympathy, my thoughts & prayers, for what it’s worth.
I am so sorry, jsc1953. Hurts like hell, doesn’t it?