It's been 9 months since my husband died

I wish I had written this a month ago, but I love symmetry too much. So I waited until it was 9 months, to fit with my other threads. I was doing better then. I went days without crying, and I had times that were good. I was going to write this and be proud of myself Now I am back to crying and feeling like shit for at least part of every evening. Most days I keep it at bay until I turn out the lights, then I start crying. Tonight I started early, so I thought I would write this and be completely miserable.

Rick was diagnosed on New Year’s Day, so all of 2009 has been pretty damn horrible. Even though it is 9 months since he died, it feels like it will be a year anniversary on January 1st. It has been a year since this nightmare started. I didn’t expect this Christmas to hit me so hard, but of course it has. It was our last happy time. By New Year’s Eve, he was feeling puny, although we didn’t know why. I look back on Christmas last year and think about how naive and innocent we were. This huge tumor was growing in him, but we didn’t know. We didn’t know. I recently met with Rick’s oncologist, and he told me he had never seen a case of kidney cancer where the cancer was as aggressive as his was. The damn thing was determined to kill him. The oncologist also said that he thinks Rick was biologically fated to die young–that it was a time bomb. Somehow that is comforting, when I can think that he was lucky to have lived as long as he did, and to die without much pain, and to have had as much time with me as he did.

I asked him once if he thought of us as a family and he looked at me like I was nuts. Oh course we are, he said. Now my family is gone. Just like that. He was my family, my whole family.

I miss him so much. He was so good to me, and so funny, and so kind. We were ridiculously in love with each other. I had no idea how wonderful it would be to be loved like that. I didn’t know it was possible to be so happy with someone until it happened to me. Now the same thing is true about grief–I didn’t know what it was like until it happened to me. Now it feels like I can’t escape it.

This is the kind of husband I had: When he was asked by his boss what he was proudest of, he said it was his marriage. He thought I was the most wonderful person on earth. Rick loved football, but he would forgo it to be with me. He told me the best part of his day was cuddling up to me at night. We kissed all the time, and said how lucky we were to be so happy together. We never doubted how much love we shared.

I know this should comfort me, and in good moments, it does. But the flip side is that I can’t help but see all the selfish husbands I know and wonder why they get to live and Rick died. I know the world doesn’t work that way, but damn it, it should.

I’m so sorry. I understand some of what you’re going though, Brynda. As you know, I lost my SO this summer.
There’s not much I can say, other than hold on to the good memories.
Hugs.

I don’t know you, but I’m so sorry for your loss :frowning: He sounds like he was a great guy. I’m still crying almost every day over my guinea pig who died a couple months ago, so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

I’m glad you come back and share things like this with us, Brynda. I wish there was more we could do than just tell you how sorry we are that you’re feeling so bad, but we’re here. I think grief is about the hole people leave in our lives when they’re gone, and it sounds like Rick has left your life hollow - it makes sense that it’s going to take you a long time to fill that in again, somehow.

{{{{Brynda}}}} - I’m sorry the holidays are so hard. I thought they might be. Is there anything I can do to help? And do you want to see the new George Clooney movie when it comes out?

StG

Brynda, I’ve read this post over and over, in hopes of being able to say the best thing, and, well, there really is no best thing.

The world should work for the best good, but, it doesn’t very often. There is a lot of hurt in the world. From what I have seen, Rick wasn’t a part of that. He loved you completely, and though his time with you was short, it was heartfelt and beautiful.

And , go ahead and be angry when you need to, you have a good right to that. It’s not fair at all, at all, at all, ever. Remember that Love, though: beyond all the appropriate pissed off anger, Rick loved you so totally in a way not many get to see.

So sad, but wishing the best for you, Brynda…

Brynda, I want you to know I think of you often. I’ve wanted to send you messages asking how you are doing but you wouldn’t have clue who I am so I thought it might seem weird. We’ve gone through a similar experience. My husband didn’t die though. He was my entire world but it wasn’t meant to be, the car drove off and I’ve never heard from him or seen him since. Please forgive me if it’s offensive to compare the two. I’m just meaning that they’re similar in that it was a loss.

Take care and if you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message.

Many people die young, few get to meet their soulmate. Rick was fortunate to have you at his side.

You’re entitled to mourn but you are also entitled to live the life Rick intended you to have. The written words of this board cannot convey what people feel nor are we skilled in the art of healing. When you’re ready, you should seek the help needed to focus your love of Rick toward your own life. You have to learn to love yourself again.

I’ve never loved like you. I’ve never felt a loss like yours. I wish I could take a piece of the pain and make it mine, so that you’d hurt a little less.

Lost my Mom 3 years ago, come February.

We’re here for you.

I am so sorry for your loss, I wish there was some way I could bring you comfort, but I realize nothing I could say or do, would bring him back. I hope that in time the happy memories will help you some. A friend of mine said talking about her husband helped some.

I am so, so sorry. I do think of you and wonder how you are doing but am never quite sure what to say to you. I cannot imagine the pain of the “first holidays” since Rick died.

You are in our thoughts and please come to the boards or email or do whatever you need to do to reach out, especially during this time.

Again, I am just so sorry that all this had happened to you. I do hope you find peace.

I know that there are no words that can truly help you feel any better, but I wanted you to know that there are probably many of us here who see your name and think about the loss you have suffered and feel very sad on your behalf. I am one of those.

Your words here were very moving, and have certainly made me look at what I have in my life, appreciate the love that I have, and, most importantly, realise that I should at no time take it for granted. Thank you for this reminder, and you have my sincerest hopes that you will eventually be able to think about your darling Rick without as much pain clouding your memories.

My mother still cries over and misses the husband she lost almost ten years ago. She describes it as “It still hurts just as much as it did the first moment, but the time between those flashes of agony gets longer…”

I was just thinking of you yesterday, before you posted, and wondering how you were holding up during the holidays.

Then I went to a party last night were I was laughing with some relatives. Relatives who have lost so many - no parents surviving, two brothers gone young - another lost to addiction, a child. People on the other side of the pain - or, perhaps, who’s “flashes of agony” are much farther apart.

Wishing you a holiday of good memories and as much peace as the sympathy of “internet friends” can help bring.

Brynda, you already know that you will be very much on my mind during this holiday season, and if there is anything I can do to make your life a little easier, please let me know.

And as painful as I imagine it is for you to talk about, and as deeply as I wish you didn’t hurt, it is still hard not to smile when you describe the wonderful love that you and Rick shared. It was and is such a tremendously beautiful gift that you two had – one that many would envy – and it is so unfair that it was taken from you.

As someone who is going through the same thing as Brynda, I’m going to go ahead and speak for her and say if you ever think of sending messages, go ahead and do it. It doesn’t matter if we know you. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how incredibly lonely it is to be widowed, how desperate you become to find compassion and companionship.

To me, your loss is very similar, and you have the added burden that it’s uncertain. Death is hopeless, but it at least doesn’t leave you hanging. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. My PM box has an “open” sign on it for anyone who needs someone to talk to. I think a couple people in this thread would warn you that conversations with me may do more harm than good, though! :smiley:

Brynda I don;t know what to say except that you are very much in my thoughts. I only met Rick a couple of times but he immediately impressed me as a truly kind person.

Life can be pretty f*cking unfair.

I’m so sorry Brynda. I can’t fathom what you are going though, but I can feel the pain in your words.

{{{{{Brynda}}}}}

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with all this.