It’s been a month. I feel like shit almost all of the time. I cry a couple of times a day. I am miserable to be around, I hate to be alone, but I have a hard time asking to be with anyone. I think everyone hates to talk to me (although they say that isn’t true). I have no appetite, but my body screams for food and I feel worse when I don’t eat. Today I told our neighbors about Rick’s death, and then I went to McDonalds. I was afraid if they saw me, they would think badly of me–great, I feel guilty eating. I need that on top of just feeling like shit. And then tonight my mother guilted me about not spending time with her, because she wants to help me. The only thing is, she makes me feel worse.
Sweetie, please know that everything you are feeling is NORMAL. Let your neighbors and mother and other people in your life help you, even if it means they watch TV while you take a nap. No one expects you to be the life of the party, but they do want to be there for you.
And do try to eat. I know it seems hopeless now, but I promise you, one day, you will laugh again.
They are right. If you were my personal friend, I would WANT you to call me if you needed to talk/hang out/cry on a shoulder/whatever.
CALL THEM. (Well, OK, maybe not your mom if she really bothers you . . . but the ones who’ve been your good buds through thick and thin. Times like this is what they are for.)
And please, hie thee to a grief counselor if you haven’t already. They can help.
ivylass is right. It will get better. Slowly, perhaps, but it will.
I want to echo what ivylass and Scarlett67 said, especially the hugs.
You know it’s safe to vent here, right? Do so as necessary - in the pit if need be. When my sister’s husband died at age 40 there was a lot of stuff to Pit, if I only had known about the SDMB at the time. There was also a lot of amazing support, some of it from unexpected places.
This is all still new for you, give it time and respect the process you’re going through. What you’re going through sounds perfectly normal for someone who has had a loss like yours. Please don’t sweat it, and let us know how we can help. Let your IRL friends and family help you - real hugs are better than Internet hugs.
I wish I had words of wisdom that would make this easier on you. But nothing that I can say will lessen the pain. So the only thing I can say is that you are in my thoughts - sending supporting thoughts your way.
I am so sorry for your loss- I lost my wife some years ago and I know how painful it is. Life **will **get better with time. As others have said avail yourself of grief counseling. Talk to your family and friends they want to be there for you! If you need to talk with some one who has been there my e mail is in my profile
After my mother died, my father told me that was the loneliest year of his life, and that my grandfather had said the same thing to him when my grandmother died.
I’ve found that something about English-speaking, North American culture is not very helpful to those who have just lost loved ones. The people who are grieving are supposed to get over it and get on with life. Yeah, okay, but why does it then feel socially awkward to mention that someone close to you has died?
One of the things I’ve found hardest is that fact that I need to tell stories about friends and relations in order to keep those precious memories alive. Anything you want to share with us, please, feel free.
It’s hard to eat when you’ve got no appetite - I call it “eating to be clever”; vaguely related to ‘kissing to be clever’. It’s just a piece of family slang we came up with to describe the feeling when food is completely un-interesting, and yet, if you get out of the habit of eating 3 square a day, well, that’s not supposed to be very healthy.
Grief counsellors, friends, family - we all want to help, but we don’t know how, and some of us are afraid our attempts at helping may make things worse, so we stay away. But believe me when I say that everybody means well, even when they accidentally tick you off.
my wife died three years ago… I still miss her terribly.
I can’t say that it gets better. I can say it gets easier to bear.
Everything you are describing is Totally Normal, especially wanting to hide from everyone until you feel like you can be good company.
Look after yourself. Let others look after you, too. Your friends want to help you.
Also: if someone’s *not *helping, feel free to give yourself a break from them.
I am so sick of myself that I assume everyone is sick of me. I am just so miserable. Over the top, full on, snot-nosed miserable. I can’t think of anyone but myself miserable. I hate the way I am miserable.
I see a therapist at the oncologist’s office. My next appt is Tuesday. She is wonderful and I am glad I have her.
I wish I could move in with someone and have them take care of me. I can’t believe how pitiful I am. This can’t be me.
I prefer to crawl into my cave and lick my wounds, too. I don’t know if it’s healthy, but I find that most people deal very poorly with offering condolence.
Could you find a new place to frequent where people did not know your husband? So you could be around people, but not have to deal with the emotional tension?
Do you feel guilty for eating at McDonalds (not eating in general)?
Well, it isn’t good for you, and you really need to keep your immune system up. Could you try to stock up on frozen dinners? Or find some nice rich whole grain nutty bread? Or keep bananas and/or avocados (about the closest things to uncooked vegetable comfort food there is) in the house?
You are not pitiful, you are in the hardest place right now. Of course you’re miserable - you love Rick. The pitiful person is the one who doesn’t care. You do care, and so you hurt. It’s normal under the circumstances. At this point you’re lucky if you can even think of yourself.
When you hurt is when people want to help. Don’t assume people don’t want to help, or are sick of you. They do want to help, and they aren’t sick of you.
Do you have friends or relatives who can stay with you for a while - keep you company, trade Rick stories, get you kleenex, make sure you eat, etc.? Just suggesting. I tend to go into “Let me help you whether you want it or not” mode, so please tell me to bleep off before I get annoying.
As a friend of mourners when we say “Let me know if there is anything to do” we are often grateful when you say “I have something for you to do.” And we understand if that thing is sit in your house not bothering you (but making sure you have food and clean laundry) so that you aren’t alone. If you were close I’d be more than happy to show up, bring a book and sit and read, just so that you didn’t have to be alone in the house right now.
You might want to be selective in who you ask - someone who tries to cheer you up might not be great for the present.
I totally understand not wanting to ask for help. What can anyone do, really? Nothing. Other than be here to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, be supportive, whatever that means that particular moment.
I’m not a therapist and keep in mind, this advice is worth as much as you paid for it…
One of the things that helps me get through difficult times in life like death, divorce, and military deployment was that I believe that we HAVE to walk the journey of grief in order to get to the other side. We HAVE to feel that pain, embrace it, and then we can move on.
I’m not suggesting to wallow in self-pity. I am suggesting that on an intellectual and emotional level, you can give yourself permission to be miserable. It’s not only OK, it’s necessary. If you try to skip this part, it will rear it’s ugly head when you least expect it.
Be gentle with yourself. I will almost guarantee that none of your friends or family are thinking, “Damn that Brynda sure is a needy beyotch”.
My head knows that you guys are right–I need to cry, I need to ask for help, etc. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard. I am definitely not denying my feelings; I don’t seem to have that option in me.
As for the eating thing, it is eating in general that I seem to feel guilty about. I got some frozen dinners, cheese, apples, etc, so don’t worry, the McDs was just this morning.
I just had a long talk with my sister and that helped.
You need to give yourself a break. You not only feel terrible, you feel terrible about feeling terrible. You are entitled to your feelings. You have suffered a loss, and you don’t have to justify the fact that you are in mourning to anyone, including yourself. Be easy on yourself. Try to stop worrying about whether you’re miserable to be around. Those who care about you, if they have any sense, won’t expect you to be a lot of laughs right now.
Both my parents died within a month (nearly two years ago) and I went into grief, mourning and depression.
Fortunately I had help from friends, family and co-workers.
It is perfectly natural to feel terrible when a loved one dies.
I found it extremely helpful to speak to a grief counsellor (I got one through a charity named CRUSE). It was an enormous help. Talking to a trained person means you can say what you want and they understand. Also you realise you are not alone and that people do understand what you are going through.
One friend phoned me every day for a month. We didn’t say anything serious (he’d been to both funerals), but just talking about mundane stuff helped.
The pain will go away slowly. The memories will always be there - even now I have tears in my eyes when my Dad’s favourite music comes on - but you realise that your loved ones live on in your memory.
Sounds like you have plenty of people who want to help – bite the bullet and let them. (Spoken as someone who is ridiculously hard to help, herself).
Vent here as necessary, and definitely see if you can find a grief counselor. It will get better (slowly, it will get “less horrific” and then it will get to “bearable,” and it will stay stuck there for a godawful long time), but it’s going to take time.
Hugs, sweetie.
And thanks for checking in – we’ve all been wondering how you are.
Brynda, you’re in mourning. Your feelings are normal, even if they are uncomfortable and unpleasant. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist, but understand this will take time. Six to 12 months is not unusual, although everyone recovers in their own time.
Are you maintaining your weight? Are the bills getting paid? Do you get dressed and make yourself presentable every day? Then you’re doing OK in my book.