It's been a month since my husband died

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I never lost anyone I was living with at the time, so I can’t imagine how to survive those holes in your day.

But I’ve lost some very dear people. How did I deal?

Well, in some ways, I never did.
And at some point “Life isn’t fair” hit with the force of celestial enlightenment.
And at another point, I was truly relieved that the deceased was spared something horrible, like the second Gulf War.

I also refused to use euphemism, such as ‘lost’. I didn’t ‘loose’ them, like they were my damned car keys - they died. (That helped.)

He died, and you lived, and eventually you will start to find some joy again, and at first you will feel guilty about that, but you will either get over the guilt or die young yourself from some type of self abuse.

I recommend finding joy. You might be ready next Spring. It will start slowly.

And don’t worry, you will never stop hurting. You will just hurt less often. You will even be able to remember him some day.

Really. This is important.

I know practical advice isn’t appropriate at this time, but may I add ‘Exercise’?

I’m a depressive and honestly, it helps; just … walk somewhere; or, do they still have recorded exercise programs? I can’t imagine anything less likely to have an unexpected emotional trigger.

If you’re miserable anyhow, what better time to eat brussel sprouts and do sit ups?

42

My only thought on reading Brynda’s feelings here is to think of when my sister died. For the first week after I had only two goals for each day:

  1. Get out of bed
  2. Get dressed

I always managed #1 but not always #2. I was so overcome with emotion that I would sometimes spend hours sitting, just numb and half paralyzed with it all, then get up and stagger around the apartment some more.

I’ve had other relatives die, but nothing hit me like that (not even my mother’s recent death knocked me down so hard). Why did that one hurt so much? I’m not really sure, and I have no interest in speculating. It just did. It hurt. It hurt SO BAD. Eventually the pain didn’t bother me as much and I got back to living my life. Eventually I had happy days again.

You are not the first to struggle with this. If you need help it is out there. But mostly what you need is time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s how you cross the street, that’s how you climb Mt. Everest, that’s how you find the way out of the dark, dank cave of grief.

Those of us who have walked that road before don’t have a problem listening to you, whether weeping or wailing or incoherently searching for words inadequate to express what you are feeling. We don’t have a problem sitting silently with you when you don’t want to be alone yet don’t want to talk, either. We don’t mind handing you yet another box of tissues for yet more tears. We don’t mind hearing the stories over and over. We don’t mind helping you put one foot in front of the other, for as long as it takes until you can smile in the sunshine again.

{{{hugs}}}

43

I am sorry for your loss.