I put “PISS ON YOU ALL, IT’S A HELL OF NIGHT!” in google and found this:
Myron’s missing lines are there, too.
From MAD magazine, I forget when:
*I’m screaming at some wild chipmunks
that ate up half my tulip bed;
Tho’ I paid most dearly to guys who clearly
have failed to zap them 'til they’re dead.
I’m up to here in wild chipmunks
Each day a brand new batch is born;
So I think It’s fair that I warn
You’l get gift-wrapped chipmunks Christmas morn.[/i
]
This one has been going around for years:
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist… you’re just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What’s with you and those birds??? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there’s ten ladies dancing - I don’t know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
(From the law offices Badger, Bender & Cajole)
The Four Skins did a version of “syphilis” and other medical parodies:[ul][li]Tuber the Red Bacillus (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)[]Gonno the Coccus (Frosty the Snowman)[]Isn’t Oral Contraception Grand (Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland)[/ul]Some non-Xmas parodies of theirs:[ul][]Red Cells in Your Urine (Red Sails in the Sunset)[]It Had To Be Sprue (It Had To Be You)[]Blame Arteriosclerosis (Blame It On The Bossa Nova)[]How Do You Solve A Case Of Diarrhea? (How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?)[/ul][/li][QUOTE]
Originally posted by epolo
Good King Sauerkraut
Good King Sauerkraut did look out
On his feets uneven…
[/QUOTE]
I think this is closer.
Or maybe that was “Wenceslaw”.
I’d love to have a complete verse of that, but I think that’s all he wrote.
Thanks for the googling John Olson. That looks similar to the one I remember, but with some variation. Either my memory is going or it got mutated into that version either before or after I saw it.
Does anyone else have a urge to go caroling with parody songs? I printed off a copy of “The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen” and “Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear” and my wife and I did a little mini-concert for the kids last night. I’m just wondering if we should take our act on the road. Our neighborhood is safe and friendly enough to go caroling in. In fact carolers came by the house last night. Hmmmm…
Enjoy,
Steven
I’ll answer to pretty much anything.
Heavens, people, you can’t forget the immortal Tom Lehrer! Here’s the lyrics to his Christmas Carol:
Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly.
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don’t say when.
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas Day you can’t get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore.
There’s time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.
Relations, sparing no expense, I’ll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
(“Just the thing I need, how nice!”)
It doesn’t matter how sincere it is,
Nor how heart felt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What’s important is the price.
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high,
Tell us to go out and buy!
So let the raucous sleighbells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kriss Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don’t stand underneath when they fly by.
Actually, I did rather well myself this past Christmas.
The nicest present I received was a gift certificate
good at any hospital for a lobotomy… rather thoughtful.
When I was in high school, we sang this in choir one year:
The Twelve Days After Christmas
A friend and I both had crushes on a cute percussionist from the band. So we gave each other suggestive looks during the “Well, actually I kept one of the drummers” line.
We wish you were never with us,
We wish you were never with us,
We wish you were never with us,
You’re a pain in the arse,
You drive everybody crazy,
You’re stupid and fat and lazy,
We wish you were never with us,
You’re a pain in the arse
Angels we have heard on high
Telling us ‘go out and buy’
Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge it
Visa, AmEx, MasterCard
I also like the Bloom County strip from Xmas '84. Milo, Binkley and Oliver are going door to door, singing their own carols.
“We wish you a Reagan Christmas
We wish you a Reagan Christmas
We wish you a Reagan Christmas
Higher taxes next year!”
:::SLAM!:::
“Jingle Helms, jingle Helms!
Jingle with Jesse!
Oh what fun it is to ride
On a tobacco subsidy!”
:::SLAM!:::
“Deck the halls with Tip O’Nei—”
:::SLAM!:::
Milo: “Y’know, I think these sounded better last night at the Young Republicans Club, after ten cups of eggnog.”
i saw it on letterman’s top ten list and thought it was funny as hell:
“We wish we were on Jay Leno
we wish we were on Jay Leno
we wish we were on Jay Leno
but our agent’s no good!”
I haven’t heard that one in years. God what a funny song.
You better watch out
Now don’t you be lax
Or you’ll be appearing in his next fax
Freddy Phelps is coming to town.
He’s making a list
Or so he will tell
For each one in heaven there’s a billion in Hell
Freddy Phelps is coming to town.
He knows you read the Advocate
He hears your taste is fine
He’s got a personality that’s strictly borderline.
He bosses all his children
They’re scared to leave his homes
He’d serve them all some Kool-Aid
That was bottled by Jim Jones.
So you’d better get straight
Your soul you could lose
If Fred’s gospel of hate you right now don’t choose
Freddy Phelps is coming to town!
You better watch out
Now don’t you be lax
Or you’ll be appearing in his next fax
Freddy Phelps is coming to town.
He’s making a list
Or so he will tell
For each one in heaven there’s a billion in Hell
Freddy Phelps is coming to town.
He knows you read the Advocate
He hears your taste is fine
He’s got a personality that’s strictly borderline.
He bosses all his children
They’re scared to leave his homes
He’d serve them all some Kool-Aid
That was bottled by Jim Jones.
So you’d better get straight
Your soul you could lose
If Fred’s gospel of hate you right now don’t choose
Freddy Phelps is coming to town!
I mentioned this in the Christmas Song Parody thread last year, and I still don’t know the source, but…
*(to the tune of the “Jingle Bell Rock”)
Stroke-a-my, lick-a-my, suck-a-my c*ck
It’s the first time for you
So here’s what you do:
Unzip me, and strip me
And show me you care
Don’t go rippin’ out my pubic hair
Reach for my, grab for my, pull on my cck
You can do it with ease
Just get on your knees
Start lickin’, and slurpin’
My dck will get firm
Soon you’ll be tastin’ sperm!
Do it right now
And don’t bite, now
Drag your tongue across my meat
If you give me head
You won’t have to spread
By now you should know a BJ can’t be beat…*
I have no idea if it’s copyrighted, so I’ll stop now.
Fromthe same guy who did “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” (c. 1998):
*You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not cheat
And you better not lie
Kenneth Starr is coming to town
He’s makin’ a list
Of every affair
Especially those
Involving big hair
Kenneth Starr is coming to town
He knows where you’ve been sleeping
And if your morals slip
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
With the help of Linda Tripp
So, you better come clean
You better confess
Or he’s gonna find
DNA on your dress…*